


and in this mess, i think i've dug a thousand graves

by playthetyrants



Category: The Creatures | Cow Chop RPF, fake chop - Fandom
Genre: Fake Chop, M/M, MY BRAND, Takes place over several years, also blood/gore but nothing too severe, and is in Aleks' POV, and really that's the theme for this story, angst angst angst, but I'm not gonna lie, but remember that these two boys love each other more than life itself, honestly this is just a really ornate love story, please read the author's note or else it wont make much sense, there's also a scene with a car crash, there's the usual crime violence, they're criminals what can i say, things get...sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-10-31 09:50:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 46,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17847143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/playthetyrants/pseuds/playthetyrants
Summary: Aleks wrestled with his thoughts for a moment, knowing that each passing second was probably making James feel worse and worse about his lack of reply but what James didn’t know is that he had this hold on Aleks, such a strong fucking grip that shouldn’t exist, shouldn’t be there in the first place and never should’ve happened.James was just some random guy he’d found on the street, one with a gun and a stupid beanie and nothing else to offer but his name. A guy with a voice that sounded like velvet, especially when he said Aleks’ name and a guy with beautiful tattoos and long eyelashes and eyes that make Aleks want to drown himself in the best and worst possible ways.What the fuck was he going to do?Aleks managed to steady his voice, inhaling a quick breath before responding in the most calm voice he could muster up.“Goodnight, James.”or, the story of immortal and nova; aleks and james.





	and in this mess, i think i've dug a thousand graves

**Author's Note:**

> i honestly have no excuses for myself and the fact that it's been literal months since i've posted says a lot but HELLO, I AM BACK. i say the same thing every single time but it's true; work and school come first and they are really kicking my ass. i will spend the rest of my life apologizing for my lack of content.
> 
> that being said...i really truly am so excited to show y'all this. it has been MONTHS in the making, and really tested me and allowed me to creatively explore and push boundaries i wouldn't normally try. this entire thing is told over the span of 5/6 years, and in a somewhat frame narrative form. the dates before each "scene" tell you when exactly this is taking place, and it switches back and forth from the past to the present day. basically, i'm telling you the story of how our two favorite boys fell in love whilst also telling a story that is taking place here and now, at the same time. i tried my hardest to make this as structured and less confusing as possible, but if you do take the time to read (which i would GREATLY appreciate) it'll make more sense as you go along. 
> 
> and...yes, you read that right. this is tagged with a major character death, something i have never written before. while i know that is a deal breaker for some people, i want people to know that this was something i had been plotting for months on end, and this just made the story make so much more sense to me. it's entirely understandable if that's something you don't want to read, but just know it's been handled (hopefully) in a tasteful manner. 
> 
> i'm also super excited to have created my own original character for this particular fic, another first for me! he's a pretty crucial part to the story, so let me know what you think of him at the end! 
> 
> as always, thank you so much for taking the time to read. i do this for fun, and for therapy, and for a million other reasons but i hope you can find as much joy out of it as i do. any spelling/grammar mistakes are all on me and i'm just gonna say right now there's probably a few and i'm SORRY.
> 
> title is lyrics from Talia by King Princess, a song that really truly encompasses what i feel about this story.

  


**_march 23rd, 2014_ **

  
  


It started with a gun.

 

Los Santos was wet that night, the air thick and muggy with an uncomfortable amount of moisture in the air as Aleks trudged through the streets, his hood half pulled up over his hair. It wasn’t working; the rain was still soaking his face, somehow getting beneath his clothes and dripping down his neck. He felt his pistol rubbing against his waist, the metal wet and cold as it moved with his steps, keeping his hands shoved into his pockets to keep them somewhat warm.

 

He remembers bits and pieces leading up their encounter; it was fucking freezing, for one. The stupid purple hoodie he always had on was completely soaked and he remembered thinking how he was gonna have to wring it out as soon as he got back to his apartment, and how he prayed to whoever the hell would listen to him that he still had some hot water to use for a shower when he had the wind suddenly knocked out of him, colliding with a brick wall to his left as he nearly tripped over his own feet on the sidewalk.

 

“What the fuck?!” Aleks reached a hand out and tried to find something to grab onto for traction before he heard the faint clicking of a gun being cocked near his ear and felt cold metal being pressed against his head.

 

“Get up.” Aleks swallowed down a sigh, knowing damn well that any noise he made could be taken as a threat in this hellhole of a city. He managed to press his palm down onto the wet concrete, slipping a foot beneath him before he managed to stand, muttering darkly beneath his breath.

 

“Exactly what I was trying to do, asshole…” He felt the gun go deeper into the edge of his hairline and he flinched a bit, listening as the perpetrator, a man, snapped back just as sarcastically.

 

“Weren’t doing a very good job of it, asshole,” he spat back mockingly,  and Aleks blinked in surprise as the bite in his voice, falling silent and turning his body slightly so he was facing him head on.

 

“My apologies,” he murmured, and the man pulled his gun down slightly, his eyes narrowing a bit as he scanned Aleks up and down and Aleks did the same to him.

 

He was about his height, with dark brown eyes and a furrowed brow that made him look slightly intimidating. He had dark curly hair that was stuffed beneath a grey beanie, sticking out in all directions despite being soaked from the rain they were both standing in. He had a beard, dark and scruffy and in need of desperate upkeep, even Aleks could tell of that. He had on jeans and red sneakers as well as a black jacket that was zipped up, long fingers poking out from his oversized sleeves as he kept a firm grip on the gun he was holding, a silver pistol.

 

“You look lost,” the man said slowly, and Aleks couldn’t help but snort at that, shaking his head a bit at the statement.

 

“I live 3 blocks away, genius. I was on my way home when you fucking ran into me, actually,” he retorted, and the other man didn’t seem fazed, lowering his gun again slightly and Aleks swore he saw something flicker in his eyes for a split second before it was gone again, quick as it had come.

 

“It’s a bit late to be going home, isn’t it?” Aleks raised an eyebrow at him, tilting his head to the side slightly.

 

“I could say the same for you,” he pointed out questioningly, and the man seemed to falter slightly for a moment and the gun slipped down once more. Aleks inhaled slowly, standing up a bit straighter as he ran his fingers through his sopping wet hair and huffed indignantly.

 

“Look, I don’t know if you want something from me, or just decided to stop me for no fucking reason, but it’s cold and I’d really like to go home so I don’t catch pneumonia and die,” he stated in irritation, and Aleks watched as the gun was finally lowered entirely, the man’s face still scrunched up in what seemed like confusion as Aleks lifted his hands at his sides, shrugging animatedly. “You want money? You’re shit out of luck, I don’t have any to give.”

 

There was a beat of silence then, only filled by the sound of pouring rain and a faint clap of thunder from miles away as they stood there and stared each other down, halfway in the alley next to an abandoned warehouse and halfway onto the sidewalk where it was beginning to flood and Aleks felt his socks being soaked through.

 

The man shifted slightly in his spot, tilting his head down to look at his hand before tucking his gun away in the pocket of his jeans, his face a mess of emotions before Aleks watched him look back up, his big eyes meeting Aleks’ own.

 

“You just...you got a little too close to my home, that’s all,” he said sharply, but the bite he’d probably been striving for wasn’t there. Aleks frowned a bit, his eyes flickering towards the wall behind the man’s frame, making out a rusty metal door that was slightly propped open. It was covered in faded foreclosure and eviction notices, and Aleks tried to remember a time where he’d ever seen it open or even occupied in his few years of living here.

 

He turned his gaze back to this man, who seemed to be visibly struggling with maintaining his intimidating facade as he stepped carefully in front of the door, one red sneaker slipping its way into the small crack that was open as Aleks awkwardly reached up and scratched lightly at a spot on his head.

 

“Well...I’m sorry about that, I didn’t mean to,” he murmured, and Aleks wondered why the fuck he was apologizing to a man that had had a loaded gun pressed to his temple only minutes beforehand. He let his eyes wander back down to his pocket, glancing at the grip that was poking up just slightly over the fabric of his jacket. He lifted his hand lazily, pointing towards the gun with one finger before lifting his gaze back up.

“You got bullets in there?” he asked simply, and the man’s hesitant silence before he barked out an “of course there is!” was enough of an answer for him. He relaxed indefinitely after that, knowing that any sort of threat that came from this man was going to be physical, and Aleks could handle himself just fine around that.

 

“Look dude, I don’t know what you were trying to accomplish today, but you did a pretty shitty job at whatever it was.” The man’s expression turned sour at that and he scowled darkly, Aleks not being able to hide his slight smirk at the response. “Just work on your technique, maybe? You’re not all that intimidating.”

 

The rain began to cease slightly and Aleks glanced up quickly, sighing in quiet relief as it faltered entirely, leaving the air around them humid and heavy. The man in front of him followed suit, looking up for a few seconds before meeting eye level again, waiting until Aleks did the same before speaking again.

 

“Whatever, dude. Just don’t come over here again, alright? I don’t like people poking around,” he said coldly, and Aleks watched as he turned his head back towards the door, pushing it open slightly with his foot so he could return inside.

 

He still doesn’t know why he did it. He had this weird feeling, one deep in the pit of his stomach that wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good, either, and he couldn’t shake it. It had been there since the beginning of this entire fucking ordeal and Aleks wanted to blame it on how he’d almost been murdered, but he knew he couldn’t. This man with the big eyes and curly hair and messy beard wasn’t a threat, at least not in the way he’d thought him to be.

 

The rain had stopped and he kept repeating that, in his head like some sort of mantra, trying to convince himself that he didn’t need to do what he was thinking.

 

_He doesn’t want to talk to you. Just leave. Get out of here. He was fucking threatening you not even five minutes ago, this is so stupid. Why do you even care so much? He’s no one, a nobody._

 

Aleks inhaled a deep breath and cleared his throat, letting the words tumble out before he could stop them.

 

“You don’t have to stay here tonight...you could come stay with me.”

 

_What the fuck?_

 

The man’s eyebrows immediately flew up to his hairline, eyes widening in shock at the statement as Aleks stood there uneasily, his stomach tying itself into knots.

 

_You’re such an idiot, are you kidding me with this shit? You barely know him, you actually don’t know him at all and you invited this homeless man WITH A GUN into your apartment? Are we fucking suicidal again?_

 

Aleks watched the man stand there blankly for a few seconds more before he was speaking again, more word vomit that made him hate himself a little bit more with each passing moment.

 

“Yeah, I don’t fucking know you and you kinda tried to kill me, but it’s really cold and wet and I don’t know, I think I’d feel kind of bad if I left without offering and you like, died or something overnight…”

 

He’d never felt so fucking stupid in his life.

 

Aleks didn’t even want to look him in the eye and he averted his gaze, staring pointedly at a spot on the concrete as he ran his fingers through his soaked hair once more and shook his head quickly.

 

“Forget it, okay? Don’t even know why I said th-”

 

“That would be...amazing.”

 

His voice was soft, a complete 180 from the one he’d used before. Aleks was almost positive he’d never heard a softer reply in his life.

 

He blinked slowly in response, watching as the man bounced slightly back and forth on his feet, looking a bit anxious as he fidgeted with the sleeves of his jacket for a moment, pulling them over his knuckles.

 

_Oh._

 

“Oh,” Aleks breathed in response, the two of them holding eye contact for a few seconds more before he was nodding quickly, clearing his throat again hastily. “I mean, yeah. Yeah, I…”

 

_Oh my God, please just shut up, you sound like an idiot-_

 

The man cleared his throat a bit awkwardly, tilting his head up towards the sky again as Aleks struggled to remember how to form proper sentences before he spoke again, his voice a bit clearer now.

 

“My name is James,” he said carefully, like he was weighing the impact of his words as they fell out of his mouth. Aleks seemed to zone back in at that, blinking slowly as he processed this.

 

_Fuck. He hadn’t even known his fucking name, and he’d invited him into his home._

 

_What the fuck was going on?_

 

Aleks watched as he lowered his gaze again, meeting his eyes with such a soft look in them that he almost felt assaulted. Another beat, and then Aleks mumbled out a reply.

 

“I’m Aleks.” James, James with the soft eyes and curly hair and smile lines and deep dimples and pretty lips just nodded in response, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jacket before he spoke again, this time his voice sounding more normal and deep again.

 

“Well Aleks, I’d really like to see this apartment you were so eager to offer up to me, if you don’t mind.” _Oh, so THIS was how he really was._

 

The slight sarcasm and gentle smile was definitely something he hadn’t been expecting out of James, but after a moment of thinking it seemed to make sense. James stood there in silence, watching with quiet amusement as Aleks tried to process this new revelation of character before he decided on rolling his eyes in response, turning his head slightly towards the street.

 

“Calm down, you’ve gotta be one of the worst “criminals” I’ve run into in this city, and that’s saying a lot. I wouldn’t act all high and mighty,” he retorted, and Aleks relished in silent delight as James reacted to that, his face twisting up into another angry grimace before he he huffed loudly, nodding his head towards the road.

 

“Lead the way, dickhead,” he muttered, and Aleks smirked in response before he turned on his heel, his shoes shuffling through the puddle of water that had begun to collect around their feet.

 

“You got anything you need to grab before we go?” he asked nonchalantly, standing with his back turned as he waited for the noise of the door opening behind him to go inside.

 

Instead he was greeted with silence, the air heavy for a few seconds before Aleks turned questioningly back to face James, watching as he stood there awkwardly, his fingertips tapping lightly against his jeans.

 

“Nah, not really.” The confession was short and brisk and Aleks knew not to press on the subject any further. He chewed on his bottom lip for a second before giving a small nod in response before he turned his head again and began to walk, eager to get as far away from this warehouse as possible.

 

James followed him, a few feet away but he still followed. His footsteps were heavy and Aleks felt water being splashed onto the back of his legs as he dragged them slightly against the concrete and through the puddles. They stayed like that for a few minutes, silent and almost solemn before they reached a busier part of town, stopping at a crosswalk as drunk people spilling out of the various bars lining the street took their turn and began to walk. Aleks stared at the bright orange hand on the other side for a moment before turning his head slightly back to face James.

 

“What made you decide to trust me?” he asked lightly, his tone bordering on slightly curious but mostly nonchalant, not wanting to make anything awkward.

 

James hummed in response to that, not meeting his eyes and instead just staring forward at the road, and Aleks tried not to think about the way the traffic lights reflected so nicely in those big brown eyes of his before James was speaking again.

 

“I’m tired of...staying in the same place, I guess,” he began carefully, and Aleks blinked at that, staring at him questioningly before he continued.

 

“I don’t mean physically. I mean yeah, the place where I live fucking sucks, and it’s not a home or anything, but that’s not what I mean when I say that. I mean...in life. I’ve been doing the same thing for so long and look where it’s gotten me. I don’t take chances, I just settle for the bare minimum...and it’s shit, you know?”

 

Aleks was absolutely silent now, eyebrows slightly raised as he took in his words; it seemed more like a confession than anything, and for some reason James’ voice weighed heavy on his heart.

 

“I haven’t had the opportunity to take a chance, or turn down one, in so long.” James finally turned his head slightly to meet Aleks’ steady gaze, his face seeming to contort into something slightly painful before he finished.

 

“So I finally took it. I said yes, and I don’t know why, and if you decide to kill me in my sleep tonight, then so be it. At least I learned not to play it safe any longer.”

 

The signal across the street turned white, and Aleks saw the small sign with the walking man light up from the corner of his eye but he couldn’t make himself move, staring at James almost blankly as James’ eyes darted from him and towards the street behind him, raising an eyebrow questioningly.

 

“Don’t we need to cross here?” he asked after a couple seconds, and Aleks’ senses seemed to turn back on, the loud beeping of the crosswalk signal filling his ears as he suddenly remembered where he was, blinking rapidly a few times before turning his head again.

 

“Oh fuck, yeah…” He glanced at the flashing orange hand across the way telling them to stay put before he began to jog across the street, ignoring the loud honking he got in response. James was right on his heels, both of them splashing each other with the water from their shoes before they reached the other side and the cars impatiently began to drive across, the two of them standing in the middle of the sidewalk amongst the loud noises of more drunk people struggling to walk around them.

 

“Hey sugar, wanna buy me another drink?” Aleks impatiently shouldered his way past a particularly drunk older woman who tried to reach out towards his arm and kept walking, eager to get away from the massive crowds.

 

“James? You still with me?” He turned his head as he walked and spotted James’ grey beanie a few feet away, stuck amongst a crowd of young teenage girls, probably college students barely legal enough to drink. Uncomfortable was an understatement, Aleks frowning deeply as he saw him tuck his head down in an effort to shield himself away from the girls’ curious hands.

 

“Oh my God, I LOVE beards!” Aleks clenched his jaw as he saw one drunk girl reach out and make contact with James’ face, her fingers dragging lazily against his skin before he was storming over, thrusting his hand towards him and gripping tightly around some part of his arm.

 

“Enough!” he snapped sharply, watching as all the girls flinched at his loud voice. He quickly shoved the girl’s hand off of his face and pulled James forward, releasing him from the gaggle of girls before pushing him ahead of his body, turning and glaring darkly at them.

 

“Get a fucking Uber and go home,” he said darkly, and he turned his head away just as the girl who’d been harassing James scoffed loudly, drunkenly flipping him off as they hurried away.

 

“No one likes a clingy boyfriend!” she yelled loudly, getting a high pitched chorus of giggles erupting around her as her friends reacted to her comment.

 

Aleks felt his cheeks flush as he hurried down the sidewalk, eager to put as much distance between them and the bar district as possible. He finally stopped once they were out of earshot, his hand still wrapped around the middle of his forearm.

 

James was silent, keeping up with Aleks’ quick pace and stopped as he did, his eyes flickering down as Aleks released his grip, shoving his hand awkwardly back into his jacket pocket before turning slightly.

 

“It’s always ridiculous there,” he rushed out almost apologetically, as if somehow it were his fault that James had been assaulted. James merely blinked at him slowly in response, still looking a bit flustered as Aleks shrugged a bit, running a hand through his now damp hair. “I’m sure you know how it is, Los Santos is a hellhole.”

 

James shook his head, reaching up and scratching absently at the spot of his beard where the girl’s fingers had been.

 

“No, not really…” he murmured, looking a bit sheepish. “Only been here a week or so.”

 

Aleks raised an eyebrow at that, scanning his face again quickly as if he’d just taken on a new identity entirely. James blinked expectantly at him, squinting his eyes a bit and giving him an accusatory look.

 

“What? I’m just...passing through. Needed somewhere to stay for a bit, that’s all.”

 

“Yeah, and you chose here  of all places?” James rolled his eyes at that, taking another step forward and closing up the distance between them.

 

“Wasn’t my idea, but things happen. The city sucks, but...the beach isn’t bad.” He nodded his head towards the sidewalk they’d been walking down, eyes flickering to meet Aleks’ own again. “We gonna keep going or are we gonna get attacked by drunk girls again?”

 

Aleks narrowed his eyes slightly, and James gave him a sly smirk in return before he was turning on his heel and walking again, leading the way once more as they got closer to his apartment.   


His place was in one of the shittier parts of the city, but definitely not the worst. He lived on the fifth floor, and Aleks pushed the front door of the lobby open and waved a hand absentmindedly towards the elevator to their left, walking straight past it.

 

“Don’t even bother, stupid thing hasn’t been working in months,” he explained halfway over his shoulder, making a beeline for a door towards the back that led to a flight of stairs. The door creaked loudly and echoed amongst the stairwell, along with their heavy footsteps as they made their way up the five flights, neither of them saying much as they did.

 

Aleks’ apartment was one of the first in the hall, and he quickly began searching through his pockets for his keys before his fingers made contact with the familiar metal, pulling them up and singling the right one out before pressing it into the lock, fighting with it for a second before turning it and pushing the door inside.

 

_Oh, fuck. He’d forgotten about the mess._

 

The place wasn’t entirely destroyed but was well on its way, his living room furniture draped with various items of clothing that had been neglected to be put away, as well as pillows and blankets strewn across the floor everywhere they looked. Beer bottles littered the floor along with half empty cartons of takeout food, making a sort of line that led directly to his kitchen, which very well could’ve been mistaken for a war scene. Dishes piled nearly a foot high in the sink, the counters lined with solo cups and trash he’d been too lazy to get rid of, and his kitchen table was buried alive beneath old pieces of mail and random other objects that should’ve been in his bedroom.

 

Embarrassed was an understatement.

 

Aleks didn’t even know how to react at first, merely opening and closing his mouth as if he thought words would just start magically falling out of it. He let his eyes dart around the room once more, seeming to find more things wrong with it than he had just seconds ago before he was turning on his feel to face James.

 

“I’m sorry,” he rushed out quickly, holding his hands up slightly for no other reason than his body told him to. He met his face with flushed cheeks and saw that James was smiling, smirking actually, moving his head slightly as he took in the chaos of the place around him.

 

“Jesus, did you have a party or something?” he asked teasingly, those dimples popping back up that he had seen a little while ago back at the warehouse. He met Aleks’ stunned gaze and clicked his tongue at him, shaking his head. “Rule number one; always make them stay and clean up.”

 

Aleks blinked at that, wondering for what felt like the millionth time in the last hour how the fuck he’d gotten himself into this situation. He heard James close the door behind him that he hadn’t even realized had been left open before the man stooped down and began picking up beer bottles, lining them up against one arm held to his chest before he moved past Aleks, following the line that was leading towards the kitchen.

 

Aleks spluttered loudly at that, still trying his hardest to make words and James stood back up, raising a confused eyebrow at him before his mouth finally began to work again, holding up an accusatory finger towards him.

 

“What are you doing?!” he demanded loudly, and now it was James’ turn to blink, still cradling the bottles to his chest as he let his eyes dart slowly around the room again, that stupid smirk still on his mouth.

 

“Cleaning your trashed apartment?” he offered, and Aleks huffed a loud breath out of his nose at that, hurrying over and taking away all of them from James’ arms with one swift movement.

 

“That’s not your job,” he continued almost agitatedly, pushing past him to get into the kitchen. He groaned audibly at the sight of it all, walking to the already full trashcan and letting the bottles fall into the bag before taking it out and tying it up quickly, turning back on his heel to cross the place once more and set it by the front door. “I’ll clean really quick and then I’ll figure out stuff for tonight, okay?”

 

James merely stared at him in response, still standing in the doorway of the kitchen with a new look of disbelief on his face, his arms crossed over his chest.

 

“You’re seriously not gonna let me help? It’s a dirty apartment, not a dead body,” he retorted, and Aleks felt his cheeks grow even hotter, sighing in annoyance.

 

“It’s not your job,” he repeated, and James rolled his eyes so far back Aleks thought they’d get stuck like that. He knelt down once more and began gathering up more trash, ignoring the way Aleks was raising his voice at him again.

 

“Save it, dude! The faster we get this done, the faster I can dry off, so I’m gonna fucking help,” he said with his back turned, making his way into the living room as Aleks swore under his breath before stomping back into the kitchen, grumbling the entire time.

 

It definitely took longer than he’d expected; when they finished there were 3 trashbags full and ready to be taken out. The pillows were back on the couch, blankets somewhat folded, and Aleks could see his kitchen table again. James had snuck behind him while he hadn’t been looking and managed to do half of the dishes in the sink before Aleks caught him and slapped his hand away, reprimanding him before yelling at him to go sit on the couch while James smirked the entire time.

 

It was nearly 2 am when everything was finished and Aleks finally let himself fall into his reclining chair, chin resting on his chest as he slumped down and yawned, rubbing his eyes tiredly as James smiled at him from across the coffee table, still sitting on the edge of his couch.

 

“No sleeping, you haven’t told me where to go yet,” he reminded him gently, and Aleks nodded quickly, pushing himself up to sit again.

 

“Yeah, hang on,” he breathed, looking around the room and pondering for a moment.

 

Well...he was here now, there was no changing that. There was a random, homeless stranger sitting on his couch that was still in wet clothes, probably starving and absolutely exhausted and Aleks felt guilty for making him wait, standing up quickly and holding a finger up.

 

“Wait here, I’ll be right back,” he said quickly, making a beeline down the hallway before opening his door a little too fast, remembering too late what was waiting for him on the other side.

 

“Mishka, NO!” The grey blob of fur darted between his legs and right past him down the hall before he could stop her, nearly knocking him over in the process. He heard a surprised yell from the living room and sprinted towards the noise, rounding the corner to see Mishka knock James over onto his side and sit on his chest, covering his face with sloppy, wet kisses.

 

“Mishka!” he repeated loudly, snapping his fingers but she ignored him, still licking away at James. He was giggling beneath her, which came as sort of a relief to Aleks but he still felt embarrassed, rushing over and wrapping his arms around her waist to pull her off.

 

“That’s enough!” he snapped, and Mishka merely wagged her tail in response, wiggling her entire body anxiously as she kept her eyes fixated on James, tongue hanging out of her mouth as she panted loudly.

 

James sat up after a moment, still beaming happily as he wiped the back of his hand over his face, his eyes illuminated with a new kind of light to them that Aleks hadn’t seen.

 

“She’s beautiful,” he said, still eyeing her from her spot in Aleks’ arms and she barked loudly in response, still trying to wiggle her way from his grip. Aleks tightened his hold on her, shaking his head a bit.

 

“She’s annoying, is what she is,” he responded, and James laughed at that, the first full laugh Aleks had heard from him. It was loud and slightly high in pitch but it made perfect sense, fit him like a glove. His eyes scrunched up as he did, revealing his straight teeth and round cheeks and Aleks fell silent, trying to fight off his own smile as James reached a hand out, cupping her face with his palm.

 

“Oh, she’s fine,” he retorted, grinning as Mishka turned her head and began to lick at his hand. “Leave her out here, I’ve got her. I had a dog for a long time, I can handle her.” Aleks shot him a thoughtful glance, slowly leaning forward and setting Mishka down before she was jumping back up onto the couch, tail wagging in the air as she excitedly sat by his side, loving all of the attention she was getting.

 

“Yeah? What kind?” James smiled fondly, lifting his other hand and pressing it to her other cheek before beginning to scratch, not meeting Aleks’ eyes.

 

“A corgi, sweet girl. Her name was Ein...had to give her up once I got here, actually.” Aleks frowned immediately at that, watching James’ face fall slightly, really only visible in his eyes. “Took her to the shelter, I couldn’t take care of her anymore. I figured she’d be able to find someone else who could do a better job than me.”

 

The confession was something Aleks hadn’t been expecting, and he took a moment to process it. James was silent, still petting Mishka but the light that had been in his eyes was no longer there, and Aleks couldn’t help but feel bad for how uncomfortable he’d made things.

 

“I’m sorry…” he murmured, and James shrugged a bit at that, dropping his hands as Mishka began pawing at his leg impatiently.

 

“It’s fine. It had been a long time coming, really. I never had enough food for her, she didn’t have a permanent home...not a situation fit for a dog like her,” he responded simply.

 

_And it’s not a situation fit for a person like you._

 

Aleks let out a slow breath through his nose, watching as James slowly moved his hand back up to rest on Mishka’s head before he remembered what he’d been doing before and he cleared his throat, gesturing towards Mishka.

 

“Okay, for real, I’ll be right back. Are you sure you’re okay with her?” James smiled softly down at her, getting another bark in return before he nodded, scratching behind her ears.

 

“We’re all good here,” he replied, and Aleks let his gaze linger for only a moment before he was turning again, going back to his bedroom.

 

Thankfully, it wasn’t as messy as the rest of his place had been, and he easily kicked some clothes to the side as he made a beeline for his closet and began to dig through old piles of blankets he hadn’t used in a few months, grabbing as many as he could and stacking them at his feet.

 

He then dug through his drawers, searching around for clothes he could lend to James for the night and put those into a separate stack, stepping carefully around them before going into his bathroom and grabbing some towels, holding them to his chest.

 

When he returned with everything, James was laying on his back on the couch, Mishka sitting on his chest and licking at his face again, the room filled with more loud laughter. Aleks smiled to himself, setting everything down on the coffee table before Mishka had realized he’d returned and leapt down from the couch, jumping up happily at his feet to stand against his legs, panting for attention.

 

James sat up slowly, still giggling to himself before he spotted the clothes and the towels on the table, his face immediately softening.

 

“You didn’t have to do that…” he said slowly, and Aleks rolled his eyes, gently pushing Mishka back down.

 

“I’m not gonna make you sleep in wet clothes. There’s a guest bathroom down the hall, hopefully it’s clean but honestly who knows at this point.” James cracked a smile at that, still looking at the table before Aleks shooed Mishka off, kneeling back down to scoop up his blankets. “Go and get cleaned off and changed and leave the clothes on the floor, I’ll wash them. I’ll make a bed for you while you’re doing that, deal?”

 

James looked almost troubled at that, his hands resting in his lap as he fidgeted nervously with his fingers, finally tilting his gaze up so that his eyes were finally upon Aleks’.

 

“Thank you,” he breathed out slowly, and Aleks was taken aback at how soft his voice had suddenly gotten.He took a moment to just look at him again, taking in the way his hair had dried and how it was curling up beneath his ears, not quite yet reaching his shoulders. His beanie was a bit lopsided on top of his head, and he stared up at Aleks through those long, dark eyelashes that Aleks wasn’t sure intimidated him or not. He look vulnerable, sitting in front of Aleks on his couch, his jacket big and threatening to swallow him up, his feet turned slightly in on themselves as they rested on the floor and for the first time all evening, Aleks was relieved that he’d asked James to come stay with him.

 

Why that was, he still wasn’t quite sure, but at least it wasn’t regret.

 

Aleks waved an awkward hand towards him, tearing his gaze away before he was petting Mishka again, just for the sake of having something else to do.

 

“Don’t mention it. Take your time in there, should be soap and shampoo and all that on the shelf.” James nodded slightly at that, shooting Aleks another warm smile that Aleks only saw for a split second before he was looking at literally anything else in the room, hoping the flush in his cheeks was just a remnant of earlier. James scooped up his things from the table and left without a word, Aleks listening as he made his way down the hallway and heard the door of the bathroom shut behind him.

 

Aleks sighed audibly as soon as he was gone, shoulders slumping forward slightly as he glanced back down at Mishka, the grey dog sitting at his feet and wagging her tail happily at him. He reached down and smoothed down some of the hair by her ears, scratching lightly.

 

“What do you think, girl? Do you like him?” Mishka barked in response, getting up and bounding quickly out of the living room and towards the kitchen, and Aleks could hear her collide her food bowl on accident as she skidded across the floor in excitement. He smiled fondly, shaking his head before following her.

 

Despite it being 2 in the morning, Aleks was starving and he knew that James had to be as well, so he ordered in from the only place he knew was open at this hour. When James came out over half an hour later, he’d managed to make his bed on the couch and had just finished lining the coffee table with the array of Chinese food that had been delivered, containers filled with random items that Aleks had thought sounded good, and hoped James liked.

 

“This is the only place open right now, so...hope you like it,” Aleks said, finishing by dumping the rest of the bag’s contents, sweet and sour sauce packets, silverware and chopsticks, onto the middle of the table amongst the chaos. James was absolutely silent, still standing in the end of the hallway and Aleks looked up to take in his presence.

 

His hair was wet again, but no longer tucked beneath a cap. It dripped lightly against the dark grey shirt Aleks had lent him, falling past his ears and getting his neck wet. His arms were uncovered now, and Aleks could see a huge array of colored tattoos along his surprisingly tanned skin, dancing all the way up his left arm and halfway up his right. Aleks’ sweatpants fit him perfectly, and he had on a pair of warm socks he’d managed to dig out of one of his drawers. His towel was folded over his left shoulder, and Aleks watched as he slowly pulled it down and lifted it to the ends of his hair, squeezing the rest of the water from it, his eyes never leaving the table as he began to shake his head.

 

“Aleks,” he began delicately, and Aleks felt his stomach lurch at the way his name sounded coming from his lips. “...you really, you didn’t have to do this…”

 

Aleks rolled his eyes in response again, eager to get the weird feeling that had settled in the pit of his stomach out of his head as soon as possible as he crumpled up the bag in his hands.

 

“Dude, relax. I haven’t eaten all day either. This is for both of us, yeah?” He didn’t wait for a response and instead sat down on the edge of the couch, reaching for a particularly large box of fried rice before settling onto the cushions behind him, making himself busy as he began to eat.

 

He watched James from the corner of his eye, taking in the way he finally decided to walk over, his movements slow. He sat down about a foot away from Aleks, setting his towel over his legs before he took a moment to look at everything before grabbing a container of orange chicken, Aleks humming through a mouthful of food.

 

“Good choice,” he said after he’d finished swallowing, and James smiled before opening it, stirring his fork around in it for a few seconds.

 

“It’s my favorite, I used to eat this all the time,” he replied, and Aleks turned his head in time to see James spear a large piece before putting it in his mouth, chewing slowly before swallowing.

 

“How long has it been since you’ve had some?” he asked carefully, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible and definitely not wanting to cross any boundaries. James paused for a moment, mid chew as he seemed to ponder this before shrugging.

 

“Probably a year or so,” he said, moving his fork around once more before taking another bite. “It’s been that long since I’ve had a hot meal in general, I think.”

 

Aleks tried not to react to that, steadying his face and masking his reaction as a cough, shoveling a spoonful of rice into his mouth instead. James didn’t seem to notice, or if he did  he didn’t seem to mind, instead focusing on eating again and Aleks left it at that, not wanting to pry any further.

 

They fell into a comfortable silence, and Aleks was relieved when James began to relax at his side, his back making contact with the cushions after a few minutes. Mishka was sitting at Aleks’ feet, watching him closely in case he managed to drop any food.

 

It should’ve been awkward, but it wasn’t. Aleks should’ve been nervous, but he wasn’t.

 

And James shouldn’t have had such a hold on him already, but he did.

 

He really, truly, did.

 

They ate their way through a lot of the food, though not all of it. James giggled softly when Aleks decided to tease Mishka with a bit of broccoli beef before giving it to her, watching her bounce around on the floor with excitement.

 

When 3 finally hit, Aleks began gathering up the leftovers and impatiently hushed James when he began to offer to help. He managed to clean everything up fairly quickly, shoving the containers wherever they would fit in his fridge before he returned back to the living room, his gaze being met with James scratching behind Mishka’s ears once more, her furry body sat down at his feet.

 

“Do you need anything else? I brought a bunch of blankets and pillows, but I can get more if you want.” James looked up and shook his head, smiling gently and Aleks felt that feeling in his stomach return, silently willing it to go away as James raised a tattooed arm and ran his fingers through his damp hair, and Aleks resisted the urge to close his eyes.

 

“I’m great, actually,” he replied, and Aleks nodded probably a little too quickly in response.

 

“Good, yeah. Uh, I’ll wash your clothes overnight, so...we can dry them in the morning and then we can...talk.” He didn’t really know how to continue his sentence, silently cursing himself for being so awkward about this.

 

_I don’t know what it is about you, but I like having you around. Please be here in the morning when I wake up._

 

“So...don’t bounce, okay? Or else I’ll have your shitty clothes forever, and I really don’t want them.” James cracked a smile at that, laughing softly and Aleks felt some sort of relief at that, although what for, he wasn’t sure.

 

“Okay, I won’t,” he agreed, and Aleks nodded once, relaxing a bit.

 

“Alright, we’ll get out of your hair. Mishka, let’s go.” He patted his thigh and whistled lightly and Mishka perked up instantly, jogging over towards him as he began to walk back towards the hallway.

 

He got about halfway to his bedroom before James was speaking again, calling out loudly.

 

“Hey, Aleks?” His voice sounded calm and not particularly imperative, so Aleks stopped in his tracks, taking a moment to inhale a slow breath before replying.

 

“Yeah?” he replied, matching James’ volume. He stood there and waited for a response, Mishka sitting impatiently at his side.

 

“Goodnight,” was what he heard in return, and Aleks had to remind his lungs how to fucking work again when all the breath left his body at once.

 

_Oh, no. This was bad. This was very, very bad._

 

Aleks wrestled with his thoughts for a moment, knowing that each passing second was probably making James feel worse and worse about his lack of reply but what James didn’t know is that he had this hold on Aleks, such a strong fucking grip that shouldn’t exist, shouldn’t be there in the first place and never should’ve happened.

 

James was just some random guy he’d found on the street, one with a gun and a stupid beanie and nothing else to offer but his name. A guy with a voice that sounded like velvet, especially when he said Aleks’ name and a guy with beautiful tattoos and long eyelashes and eyes that make Aleks want to drown himself in the best and worst possible ways.

 

_What the fuck was he going to do?_

 

Aleks managed to steady his voice, inhaling a quick breath before responding in the most calm voice he could muster up.

 

“Goodnight, James.” He hoped that the few second gap hadn’t made James uncomfortable but he was never going to know. He turned on his heel and bolted into his room, barely giving Mishka enough time to get inside before he’d closed the door, letting his back make contact with it as he leaned back, eyes widening in shock.

 

_Goddammit. You’ve really done it now, haven’t you?_

  
  


**_february 12th, 2019_ **

  
  
  


“Baby? What’s wrong?”

 

Aleks blinked slowly, feeling the familiar touch of a hand on his lower back. James’ fingers are warm, soft, gentle. His thumb runs lightly along the thin fabric of his shirt and makes contact with his hip, the movement causing him to shiver slightly in his spot on the bed.

 

He glanced silently at the clock on the table; nearly 4 in the morning. Aleks swallowed a deep sigh, shifting around in his spot as he swung a leg around and down towards the floor, forcing himself to sit up straight instead of leaning sideways.

 

“Nothing, I’m okay…” Aleks raised a hand to his eye, digging his palm restlessly into it until stars were dancing in his vision, tipping his head down slightly. “Just woke up and can’t fall back asleep…”

 

James’ voice was thick with whatever he’d been dreaming about before Aleks had woken him on accident, dripped like molasses from his lips and made Aleks feel warm. He hummed softly at that, and Aleks could hear him yawn behind him before his hand was moving again, snaking its way back to his lower spine, slipping his fingertips beneath his shirt.

 

“Are you nervous about tomorrow?” _No fucking shit,_ Aleks thought bitterly, shoulders sinking a bit as James began to rub circles with his thumb against his skin, running his fingers through his messy hair.

 

“Yeah, a little,” he admitted slowly, figuring it wasn’t going to do him any good if he didn’t just confess it. James didn’t respond, still massaging his back with gentle motions, taking a few seconds as if to think.

 

“I am too,” he finally said, and Aleks couldn’t say he was surprised at the confession. James had been visibly agitated and anxious the last couple of days, didn’t take a genius to realize that. Everyone else saw it too, kept shooting Aleks questioning looks as if he knew all that went on in James’ head. He didn’t, as hard as that was for him to admit.

 

It wasn’t like them to get nervous. They’d been at this for...what, 3 years now? And this job wasn’t even that difficult; just a bank, an old one at that. Less security, less tech to work through...it was one of the easiest things they could’ve gotten with such a huge profit.

 

So why did Aleks feel like he was set up to fail as soon as they tried to pull it off?

 

He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t realize James had begun to move, the bed beneath him shifting slightly as he rolled into his side. Aleks turned his head just in time to see James’ arm collide with his rib cage, snaking his way around Aleks’ torso and getting a surprised little yell from his lips.

 

“Come here, you little shit…” Aleks fought weakly against his grip, an amused smile appearing on his lips before he could fight it off. He made eye contact with James, taking in his sleepy face in the dim lighting of their bedroom.

 

Aleks still couldn’t get over how beautiful James was; it had been nearly 6 years, and every morning he woke up to this man at his side and he wondered how the fuck he’d managed to get that to happen.

 

The smile lines by his eyes had only gotten deeper with time, and Aleks thought the age suited him. He didn’t look old; older, yes, but it was in a mature kind of way. The roundness of his face that Aleks had first seen all those years ago in a rainstorm in Los Santos had disappeared, structure taking its place instead. His cheekbones were higher and sharper now, his beard a bit shorter and just the right length so that it tickled and didn’t scratch his face when they kissed.

 

His smile was still the same as ever, big and wide and complete with deep dimples that made Aleks’ chest warm whenever he saw it. His hair had grown, was always tied up in a bun on the top of his head that was prone to flyaways and stray curls that hung next to his ears, dangling against his cheek with childlike air to it. He was both youthful and grown; innocent and dangerous all wrapped up into one person and Aleks loved the contradiction that was James Wilson. Always had, always would.

 

Aleks eventually gave in and let James do what he wanted, allowing himself to be pulled gently towards his body so that his back made contact with his chest. Aleks felt his smile grow fonder as James looped his arms around his lower chest, lips making contact with the skin in between his shoulder blades as he pushed down the fabric of his shirt with his nose.

 

“It’s normal to be nervous sometimes,” he murmured lightly, and Aleks felt his toes curl up at the way James’ breath felt on his body. He lowered his hand down so that it was resting on top of James’ arm, running his fingers lightly against his tattooed skin.

 

“Yeah, I know…” he mumbled, resting the side of his face against his pillow as James pressed his forehead against his back, the two of them falling into silence for a few moments.

 

_This is a weird kind of nervous, James. It’s different. I don’t know what it means and I totally could be full of shit but...it’s scary. I have a bad feeling that something might happen, but I can’t explain why. Maybe I’m just going insane, finally. It’s long overdue._

 

But, of course, none of these things he said out loud.

 

Instead, he focused on the way James felt, enjoyed the way he ran his thumbs along the sides of his ribcage and the scratchiness of his beard on his back. He closed his eyes after a few seconds, his body going weaker with every kiss James pressed to his vertebrae, one by one as he worked his way down his spine.

 

When he reached the end Aleks let out a soft sigh, turning slightly in James’ arms so that he was on his back and facing up, glancing wearily at his still sleepy face.

 

“Tell me you’re gonna be okay.”

 

James seemed confused at that, furrowing his eyebrows slightly as he scanned Aleks’ face with those big eyes, blinking slowly.

 

“What?” he questioned carefully, the edge of a laugh catching at the end of his voice. “Aleks, we’ve been doing this for years now-“

 

“Just say it.” James was startled at the way Aleks cut him off, blinking again as his face fell into a frown that matched Aleks’ own, the two of them staring each other down for a few seconds in the tense silence that had fallen.

 

The bed shifted beneath him as James pushed himself up to rest on his side, propping himself up on his shoulder. Aleks watched in silence, eyes wandering as the comforter fell off his chest and Aleks took in his body, baggy shirt hanging off his collarbone, tattooed arms clashing with the white sheets. He was so perfectly James and the entire scene made him want to cry and he had no idea why, tearing his eyes away to rub at them with his palm, only stopping when he felt long fingers wrap around his wrist.

 

“I’m gonna be okay.” Aleks inhaled a slow breath at that, feeling his own hand being pulled away from his face and he reluctantly looked back up, meeting James’ concerned eyes instantly. His thumb trailed slowly against his cheek, making contact with the corner of his mouth before moving to his lips. “I don’t know why you’re thinking like this, but you’ve gotta stop. It’s not gonna do you any good.”

 

His voice was gentle, not harsh like he probably should’ve been. Aleks knew he was being irrational but that didn’t stop anything, he’d been fighting with his own brain on this for days now. He couldn’t shake it off, and that’s what scared him the most.

 

Still, James was right. They’d been doing this for years, and nothing horrible had ever happened. Sure, they’d gotten hurt on occasion but never anything that serious. Everything was planned to a tee and they’d actually spent longer than they should’ve double and triple checking.

 

So why did Aleks feel like he’d burst into tears if James let go of his face right now?

 

It must’ve shown, either in his eyes or his features because James immediately closed up the space between them, cupping his other cheek with his left hand and pulling him into a kiss, soft and gentle and sweet and in only a way that James could.

 

And for a moment, it worked. Aleks’ mind shut down, like it always did when he was kissing James, and he let his eyes flutter shut when James tilted his head slightly and opened his mouth, deepening the kiss with his movements.

 

It was so easy to drown in his mouth, to focus on the way his lips danced on his skin and shiver at the trailing of his fingers on his face, but another pang of fear hit Aleks in the stomach like a truck out of nowhere and even James’ taste wasn’t enough to ease the pain.

 

Aleks pulled away quickly, his lips reluctant to leave James’ own but his body was instinctive, flinching away as the nauseating feeling came back, his chest aching slightly as he saw the hurt look in James’ face, quickly being replaced with concern.

 

“You’re really torn up about this, aren’t you?” James’ voice was full of realization, as if finally piecing together how serious this was and Aleks averted his eyes again, unable to stare into the brown warmth because it hurt too much to do so.

 

He heard James sigh slowly, could almost hear the gears in his head turning as he fought to figure out what to say, and Aleks didn’t blame him. He had every right to be frustrated, to be annoyed with him. He’d never done this before and he didn’t know why it was happening now, during some random little job that Aleks had begged them to keep checking, double and then triple right after, something that was never done unless it was a massive heist.

 

At this point, everyone was just ready to get it done, and Aleks couldn’t even bring himself to think about it.

 

Guilt washed over him then, cold and uncomfortable and it made him feel almost slimy, like he was dirty and he felt himself sidling away slowly out of James’ grasp, still refusing to meet his gaze.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said miserably, shaking his head quickly. “Jesus, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve just been, like...worried sick since the start of this whole thing, and I have no idea why. It’s really stupid, just forget about it.”

 

Aleks lifted his head a bit, staring fixedly at the ceiling for a moment before he was turning on his side, bringing up a hand so he could dig his thumb and index fingertips into his eyes, rubbing harshly to try and eliminate the weariness from them. He was exhausted, and he knew they only had a few hours left to sleep before they had to be awake again, alert and sharp and ready to go and he was just fucking everything up even further by keeping them up.

 

There was a long silence then, one filled with nothing but the sound of the air conditioner and Aleks was convinced James had fallen asleep again, had had enough of Aleks’ bullshit and decided to just let him talk himself out. Aleks deserved that; he deserved a lot of things, and none of them were good; James was definitely not on that list.

 

Aleks swallowed back down a sigh and tucked his hand beneath his face, pulling his knees up a bit as he curled further into himself and tried to focus on clearing his mind enough for him to fall asleep at least for a little bit; no sleep combined with his nerves would be a disaster waiting to happen tomorrow morning.

 

A police siren interrupted his thoughts, very faint and very far away, nowhere near where they were and Aleks closed this eyes, feeling them stinging with tears that had absolutely no place being there. He raised the hand beneath his face up to his mouth and nose, covering them carefully to try and fight the urge to cry, swallowing back down the whimper that was fighting to escape his mouth.

 

_You’re in no fucking state to work tomorrow, get ahold of yourself. At this rate, you’re the reason that something bad’s gonna happen._

 

Aleks was in the middle of figuring out how to breathe without his entire body trembling and giving himself away when he felt James’ fingertips make contact with his scalp, long fingers slipping through his dirty blonde hair with ease. Aleks stiffened, not in a bad way but in surprise at the intimacy, feeling as James began to slide his hand over towards the side of his face, his inner palm coming to rest on the side of his temple before he began to scratch his head gently.

 

Aleks closed his eyes once more, not helping the way he sniffled now; he let out a shaky sigh as James let his fingertips dance through his hair and trail down the side of his neck, his thumb caressing the dip of his collarbone as it transcended into his shoulder, pulling back the fabric of his shirt as he did.

 

“I don’t have to go tomorrow,” he said softly, his breath warm against Aleks’ neck. “We don’t have to go.”

 

Aleks shook his head quickly, sniffling again and hating himself as he raised an arm up to wipe his nose.

 

“No, we do. We’ve been planning this for weeks and it’s all got to go to plan, I’m not going to fuck this up for everyone-“ James cut him off with an abrupt kiss to the neck, right in the hollow of his throat and Aleks’ voice faltered before he could stop it, sucking in a breath through his tears as James gently slipped his arms back around his waist.

 

“We really don’t, Aleks. We don’t have to do anything; we’re free to do whatever, go wherever. Rules don’t bind us, remember?” Aleks sighed again, this time more frustrated than anything and he shifted around in James’ arms, his tone bitter.

 

“Don’t do that,” he said shortly, and he felt James still a bit behind him.

 

“Do what?” he asked slowly, and Aleks turned quickly to lay on his back once more, looking up at him through swollen, slightly blurry eyes.

 

“Don’t pull the whole ‘I’m the boss, we can do whatever I want’ shit just because I’m having a fucking meltdown over nothing.” Even in the dim lighting Aleks could see the annoyance on James’ face, and he huffed out a groan at that, pulling his arms away.

 

“Well, what do you want me to do? I’m not gonna just sit here and ignore your gut feeling-“

 

“That’s exactly what you’re going to do,” Aleks interrupted quickly, and James furrowed his brow at that, frowning deeply at him before Aleks was sitting up, pulling his legs towards his body and looking down at James with painful eyes.

 

“Look,” he said slowly, fingers already fidgeting with the bedspread. “Yes, it’s a bad feeling. But what are we supposed to do, just live in fear of it? People get these feelings everyday and nothing happens, it’s stupid.” James didn’t look convinced, raising an eyebrow up at him as he glanced at Aleks from the mattress.

 

“You never get bad feelings,” he stated shortly, and Aleks stared him down for a moment, eyes never leaving James’ own.

 

“Yeah, well…” he murmured, tilting his head down slowly. “Doesn’t matter, okay? I’m not putting the entire team in jeopardy just because I have butterflies in my stomach.”

 

James let out a defeated sigh then, Aleks’ matter of fact tone seeming to be enough to get him to shut up. He flopped down onto his back and stared at the ceiling, running his fingers agitatedly through his long curls as Aleks kept still in his spot, staring at the way he ran his finger along the comforter slowly. He raised his sleeve up quickly to his cheeks and wiped his face before James could see, sitting up a bit.

 

“I’m gonna go downstairs, get a drink or something…” James didn’t say anything, silent as Aleks climbed out of bed. “Get your rest. I’ll see you in the morning.”

 

Aleks’ socked feet met the padded carpet floor for only a moment before James was grabbing onto his arm to stop him, his grip firm but not painful. Aleks sighed heavily, closing his eyes and letting his head hand sullenly over his lap as James spoke.

 

“Aleks...do you want us to do this? Be honest, baby.” His tone was gentle, the annoyance that had been present in his before completely gone. Aleks felt slightly sick, feeling James’ warm hand holding tightly onto his wrist as he waited patiently for an answer that he wasn’t even sure he had.

 

_No, I don’t. I really don’t. I want to stay here, in this bed with you, for the rest of my life and never have to worry about things ever again. I’m tired, James._

 

“Yeah, I do.” He lied through his teeth and felt disgusting as he did it. It wasn’t right, and Aleks knew that but in the grand scheme of things it didn’t really matter anymore. The heist was in a few hours, a simple takedown of a weapons warehouse that had been causing trouble not only for them but the rest of the crews in Los Santos. Geoff had asked James personally to take care of it, and of course he’d taken it without hesitation. It wasn’t anything difficult; sneak up, surrounded them, tie them up and beat them if they ran their mouth, take the weapons and go. Simple as clockwork.

 

There wasn’t any reason for them NOT to do it, except the nauseous feeling in the pit of Aleks’ stomach. And really...that was something he could live with.

 

“It’ll be fine…” he murmured uneasily, his voice an unconvincing as could be and he sighed softly, staring down at his lap and falling into silence once more.

 

James still looked tired, his eyes half open as he listened to Aleks’ answer and gave a sleepy sort of grunt in response, slowly releasing his grip on his wrist. The finality in Aleks’ voice that he’d somehow managed to muster up seemed to be enough for James, and Aleks looked up and watched as the older man yawned and relaxed back down against the mattress, rubbing at his eyes for a moment before turning on his side.

 

“That’s right, we’re gonna be just fine, baby…” he murmured, face already half pressed against his pillow. Aleks watched him miserably, the muscles in his back moving beneath his tanned skin as he got himself comfortable again, pulling his side of the comforter back up. “I love you, I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”

 

 _Morning,_ Aleks thought glumly to himself. _I hope morning never comes._

 

James didn’t even wait for a response back before he was snoring again, and Aleks couldn’t help but feel annoyed by the entire thing. Sighing softly, he turned his head back around so that he was facing forwards again, still sitting on the edge of the bed.

 

The house was quiet, everyone else asleep and peaceful and calm and Aleks wanted to destroy that, wanted to run through the house screaming at the top of his lungs and banging on the walls as he did. He could feel his heartbeat deep in his chest, rapid and loud and almost painful and he slipped his hands back into his lap, squeezing them together as tightly as he could and closed his eyes.

 

And Aleks sat there for hours, until the first few slivers of morning light began to shine through their bedroom window like rays of gold upon his face.

  


**_may 3rd, 2014_ **

  
  
  


“Aleks, I hate not knowing shit.”

 

James’ voice was disgruntled and slightly angry but mostly just annoyed, his large hands holding tightly onto Aleks’ upper forearm for support as his heavy footsteps fell unevenly against the floorboards of the kitchen. Aleks turned and smirked slightly at the man on his left, despite the fact that he was blindfolded and couldn’t even see.

 

“Yeah, I’m well aware,” he replied, and James gave another aggravated groan in response, grip tightening on his arm and Aleks buried down the weird feeling he got in his stomach then, James’ touch almost unnerving to him before he stopped their walking, James swaying slightly on his feet before Aleks stepped around to his front and grabbed into his elbows gently, streadying him quickly.

 

“Okay, do you trust me?” James let out an exasperated sigh at Aleks’ question, reaching up and tucking one of his loose curls behind his own ear before shrugging in response.

 

“I don’t really have a choice in the matter, do I?” he retorted stoically, and Aleks smiled fondly for a moment before letting go.

 

“Wait here, and DON’T touch the blindfold, alright?” Aleks turned on his heel before James could bite back with a snarky comment and immediately made a beeline for his bedroom, opening the door to slip in and then shut it immediately behind him. “Girls? Are you getting along?”

 

Aleks was instantly greeted by Mishka’s happy whining, jumping up on him as soon as he was in the doorway and nearly knocking him over in the process. He grunted loudly, barely managing to shut the door before he was falling against it, grinning from ear to ear as the fluffy animal tried to lick at his face, hopping down when she couldn’t reach before turning around and running back towards the bathroom, barking loudly.

 

Aleks smiled softly, walking over and opening the door slowly as he attempted to stop the fluffy corgi that was bouncing around inside from running between his legs, but to no avail. Ein nearly tripped him in her effort to leap from the bathroom, barking loudly and happily as she bounded over to Mishka, the two of them jumping at each other in a sort of pattern, back and forth, eager to play. Aleks managed to catch himself on the doorknob and stood back up with some effort, brushing hair off of his pants as Mishka playfully bounded towards her, Ein barking in eager reciprocation.

 

“Hey, quiet down! He’s gonna hear you!” Aleks retorted in a loud whisper, reaching down and patting Ein’s head. “Look, when I open the door, just run-“

 

The sound of Aleks’ bedroom door being flung open cut off his words, looking up to see an opened mouthed, wide eyed James standing there, his blindfold clenched in his right hand that was held out beside him.

 

“Ein?!” The corgi immediately began bolting towards the door, leaving Aleks disheveled in her wake as James knelt down just in time to catch her, falling onto his back with her on his chest.

 

“Baby girl, it’s you! Oh my God, I never thought I’d see you again!” Ein was barking loudly, licking at his face and panting like she’d just run a mile but even over the chaos, and Mishka barking just to make her excited self heard, Aleks could tell James was crying.

 

Great big sobs; happy ones, but still loud, overtook him as he sat up and held Ein in his arms, cradling her to his chest and pressing kisses on her head as the dog wiggled incessantly in his grip. Aleks fell into silence, sitting down on the edge of the bed as Mishka bounded around James and Ein, as if checking to make sure her new friend was okay.

 

James just sat there and cried for a moment, his face buried in her soft orangey fur before he lifted his head up and Aleks could see his red eyes, puffy and swollen and shiny cheeks as he sniffled, shaking his head.

 

“You went and got her,” he managed out, his voice thick with unshed tears and all Aleks could do was nod in response, hands resting in his lap.

 

“Didn’t seem fair that you had to give up your best friend like that,” he said simply, and James sniffled again at that, shaking his head and looking back down at Ein. She was still bouncing excitedly in his lap, looking around the room with evident curiosity while James’ tanned arms gripped her from the front, keeping her close.

 

Aleks was waiting for James’ typical remark; smart, sarcastic, funny. A comment about how Aleks was shit at giving surprises, something about Ein taking over Aleks’ side of the bed now, or a joking comment about how Mishka was getting replaced. None of it came.

 

Instead, James just continued scratching behind Ein’s ears, rubbing the soft fur on her chest with his large hand for a few moments, before he finally tilted his head up towards Aleks, more tears spilling down his cheeks.

 

“Thank you,” he said softly, and Aleks flashed a gentle smile, saying nothing and instead watching the way James tilted his head back down, pressing one more kiss to Ein’s head as silence fell once more.

  


**_february 13th, 2019_ **

  
  
  


When James awoke beside him the next morning, it was like any other day. Aleks has eventually laid back down in his usual spot and faced towards the window, staring at the sun as it rose into the sky, changing the colors of the world as it did so. His back was facing James, and he heard the soft little groan that came as he stirred from his slumber, feeling a sick sort of feeling begin in the pit of his stomach once more.

 

James was oblivious, of course. Last night’s conversation seemed to have disappeared into thin air and left no lasting impression; he merely snaked his arms around Aleks’ waist like he always did, pressing a kiss to the back of his neck before mumbling sleeping against his skin.

 

“Morning, baby…” Aleks didn’t respond, keeping quiet as James pulled his arms away after a few seconds, unphased by his lack of words, and Aleks heard his feet hit the hardwood floor beneath them after a few seconds, the mattress moving slightly as he did.

 

Aleks swallowed down another sigh, listening as James padded his way across the room and into their adjacent bathroom, closing the door behind him.

 

He only sat up when he heard the shower turn on, taking time in his movements so as to not be too loud. He glanced uneasily at the bathroom door, as if hoping that maybe, somehow, James would hear the voice inside his head, begging and desperate for him to listen one last time.

 

_I know I said I didn’t mind last night, but...I do. This is a mistake. The feeling never went away and I’m scared, James. This never happens. Please, let’s not do this._

 

And really, Aleks should’ve said something. It had been different the night before, when he’d thought he could just sleep it off and he’d feel better in the morning. Weakness was not something he was good at admitting; he was too prideful, too stubborn, not unlike James himself.

 

Downstairs, he heard the familiar noise of people mulling about, the house seeming to come alive as everyone within it began to start their days.

 

Aleks felt like he’d already lost, really.

 

Slow with his movements, he managed to get himself dressed right before James came back in, his hair wet and a soft smile on his face, obviously happy to see Aleks up and about.

 

“Stunning, as always.” Aleks tried to muster up a smile in return but could feel it come off as a grimace, his stomach churning as the bright morning son illuminated James’ face, bathing him in light gold and orange as he dried off his hair. “You ready for today?”

 

Aleks wasn’t sure how to respond to that, so he didn’t. Instead, he stared James down for a few seconds, holding his eye contact as the older man tossed his towel aside and began to dress.

 

“As I’ll ever be,” he mustered in response, and James paused at that. Aleks felt his heart pound anxiously as he finished slipping on his boots before standing back up, a slight frown replacing the grin that had been on his face moments before.

 

“Doesn’t sound very hopeful.” Aleks’ foot was bouncing a mile a minute beneath him, his shoe hitting the hardwood dully beneath him. He didn’t respond, still holding James’ gaze as the older man began to carefully and meticulously pull his damp hair up into a bun, long fingers wrapping the rubber band around it before he dropped his hands down to his sides, inhaling a slow breath.

 

“You still don’t want to do this.” He sounded more wary than anything, carefully tiptoeing about the obvious in the situation. Aleks could feel a migraine coming on and he raised a hand to his eye in exasperation, rubbing deeply at his eyes with his fingers.

 

“I can’t shake the feeling!” he finally admitted out loud, raising his voice as the room went silent. Yelling didn’t make him feel any better, but Aleks felt everything seeming to build up within himself and there wasn’t much else he could do to try and relieve it. “I couldn’t sleep last night, I know I said I was fine with it but I’m just not, James. Something’s not right, and I’m not fucking crazy and I know if I try and explain this to everyone else they’re gonna think I am!”

 

James was frowning now, his brow furrowed deeply as he listened, watching Aleks with slightly narrowed dark eyes. He shook his head quickly, sighing softly in what Aleks could only describe as exasperation before he was reaching out to touch his arm.

 

“No one’s calling anyone crazy,” he assured him, fingers dancing down Aleks’ now flushed skin to his wrist. “You’re not crazy. We always trust our gut feelings.”

 

Aleks stared down at James’ hand, his tanned fingers wrapped around his pale wrist and fell silent, swallowing thickly as he felt his other hand being picked up, James’ thumbs moving to press lightly into each of his palms.

 

“I just...Geoff asked you to do it, and I d-“

 

“He can find someone else,” James cut him off cooly, and Aleks let the rest of his sentence die somewhere in his throat. “I’ll call him right now and cancel, Aleks.”

 

Aleks still refused to look up, taking another deep breath that seemed to rattle his lungs and he involuntary tightened his grip on James’ hands, fingers wrapping around his arms and he felt James tense up slightly in response.

 

“I’m sorry,” he murmured miserably, and Aleks felt his eyes beginning to sting with tears as he was pulled straight into James’ chest, feeling large arms wrap around his shoulders.

 

“Baby, no…” Aleks sniffled softly, slowly letting his arms slip around James’ waist and lower back, his face going straight into his slightly damp shirt that smelled like his cologne and their laundry detergent. “Don’t be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

 

Aleks closed his eyes at that, sniffling again and feeling like an absolute idiot but enjoying James’ arms wrapped around him too much to care. The feeling in his stomach was finally starting to die down, fading away with each gentle touch of James’ fingers, his hands slowly moving down his back to his hips, cold fingertips making contact with the warm skin beneath the bottom of his shirt.

 

“I’m gonna go call, okay? And don’t worry about everyone else, I’ll tell them too.” Aleks merely nodded against his neck, letting himself relax against James’ frame as the stress and worry that he’d been carrying with him for the last week finally dissipated, his body going limp along with it.

 

“Yeah, okay…” he murmured, and he felt James press a kiss against his temple in response before he smirked against his skin, laughing softly.

 

“Baby, I gotta go downstairs…” Aleks refused to move, still clutching onto James’ waist and staying silent even as the other man giggled and shuffled him towards the bed, reaching behind himself to unwrap his pale arms from around his hips.

 

“Lay down a bit, yeah? I’ll be back in a few minutes, promise.” Aleks grunted a bit in response, allowing himself to be laid down on his back on the bed, James’ hands gentle and soft as they travelled down the sides of his body to his thighs, slipping beneath his knees. “So whiny today.”

 

Aleks cracked a smile at that, stretching his arms up over his head before snaking his legs around James’ torso quickly, giggling as he managed to pull him forward and get a surprised yell out of him.

 

“I’m always whiny,” Aleks retorted, grinning as James managed to catch himself with hands on either side of his face, hovering over Aleks’ body and shooting him a playfully grumpy look, pouting a bit.

 

“Ain’t that the truth,” he huffed, and Aleks smirked before lifting his hands up and pulling James’ face down, kissing him deeply and closing his eyes as he did. The distance between them began to close as Aleks pulled James down with his legs, slipping them effortlessly around his lower back and James groaned a bit into his mouth, tilting his face down slightly to pull his lips away.

 

“When I get back, baby…” His voice was hushed, barely above a whisper and his breath against his skin sent shivers down Aleks’ spine, James’ forehead pressing lightly into his neck for a brief moment before he pulled away, and Aleks reluctantly agreed to let go, allowing his legs to fall limply back down onto the mattress as James sat up.

 

“Don’t give me that look,” James pleaded, running his fingers through his hair as Aleks jutted out his bottom lip, reaching out to kick at James’ side playfully with his foot. “Watch it!”

 

Aleks giggled loudly, watching as James swatted his leg away before shaking his head, smirking and turning on his heel to walk out of the bedroom, hair dripping down his back as he did.

 

Aleks leaned his head back against the pillow, staring up at the ceiling as he watched golden light from the morning sun bathe the room, lifting a hand absentmindedly up above him as if trying to touch it. He wiggled his fingers slowly, smiling softly to the silver band that was on his left hand, shimmering delicately as it reflected the sun’s rays.

 

He closed his eyes after a moment, breathing in slowly and letting his arms fall back down over his stomach.

 

_It’s okay, Aleks. He’s okay._

  


**_october 23rd, 2017_ **

  
  
  
  


Aleks heard a bullet ricochet off of the column to his left, chipping the marble in the process and he flinched harshly, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment as he continued to squat against the bottom of the one he was currently behind, glancing beside him to make eye contact with James.

 

“Did they get the safe?” Aleks listened to more gunfire and yelling from a few feet away, and James lifted a hand to his ear to press a steady finger to his earpiece, his staticky voice ringing through Aleks’ ears.

 

“Is the job done?” he asked lowly, and Aleks listened to the sound of faint shooting in response, distorted sound waves that were interrupted with Brett’s loud voice.

 

“All done on our end, get out of there and get to the van!” Aleks jumped at sound of another bullet hitting the top of his column, raining down a bit of dust in the process as the marble was destroyed and he saw panic flash across James’ eyes for a moment, his gaze darting up towards the damage before he was back on Aleks’ face, nodding his head towards the other end of the room before mouthing.

 

“Count of three, okay?”

 

Aleks listened to the sound of the front door of the bank being pushed open, heavy footsteps echoing amongst the hall as they ran their way inside, all intent on making sure everyone in there was dead.

 

Aleks’ heart was pounding loudly in his chest, making him nauseous and he swallowed thickly, his fingers tightening around the handle of his pistol.

 

“Okay,” he agreed quickly, nodding his head once in case James hadn’t seen. James held his eye for a second more, his gaze lingering almost sadly back at Aleks before he turned his head again to face behind him at the oncoming cops, holding a hand up in front of him so Aleks could see.

 

“One…” He held up one finger, and Aleks could hear the yelling getting louder.

 

“Two…” Another gunshot. Plaster rained down on Aleks’ head like snow.

 

The footsteps were right in Aleks’ earshot, and his eyes flickered up to James’ face one more time before the man was yelling.

 

“THREE!” Aleks dove to the floor and felt James follow suit as rapid gunfire, his chest hitting the marble floor and knocking all of the wind out of him at once. His hands came into contact with sharp pieces of metal and plaster and he could barely feel the stinging on his palms as he scrambled to get up and whipped his head around quickly to find James, seeing a flash of black clothing before a steady hand grabbed onto his arm and began to pull.

 

“Let’s go!” Aleks managed not to stumble over his own feet as he took off to keep up with James’ pace, the two of them leaping over broken pillars and debris in their path with ease. James’ hand never once left his arm, and Aleks was very grateful for that when the older man decided to cut a sharp left turn last minute and yanked him skidding down the smooth, shiny floor, his shoes squeaking before James quickly yanked him down to the ground, behind a giant mountain of debris from part of the ceiling they’d blown in to get inside.

 

Aleks was lost, frantically looking over his shoulder towards the huge, gaping hole in the wall they’d entered in from that was only down the hall from them, a handful of sprints away.

 

“What are we doing?!” he demanded sharply, his voice a loud whisper even though he knew the barrage of gunfire from behind them was enough to hide their sound. “The exit’s RIGHT THERE!”

 

James seemed to be panicking, frantically patting himself down after he’d tossed his pistol to the ground. He wasn’t listening to Aleks, instead ignoring him before he pressed his hand against the top of his chest, freezing up quickly. Aleks watched with a furrowed brow as James seemed to relax slightly at that, closing his eyes for a brief moment before letting his eyes flicker back up to meet his gaze.

 

“I have to do this now,” he said quickly, and Aleks could feel his blood about to reach a boiling point as he pressed himself closer to the ground, eager not to be seen as another influx of cops stormed past their makeshift barricade.

 

“What can’t POSSIBLY fucking wait?!” he hissed, clenching his pistol against his waist and already edging towards the exit, the only thing on his mind the (somewhat) safe confines of their van that was waiting just outside.

 

James looked torn for a moment, and Aleks could see his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed, the sweaty skin on his throat moving as he did so.

 

“Marry me?”

 

Aleks stared blankly at him, his eyes wide in shock and his eyebrows probably disappearing into his hairline.

 

“I...what?” There was more sounds of gunfire, the building shaking around them and Aleks felt like the entire thing was on the verge of collapse, the ground beneath him trembling as James quickly yanked his arm up, pulling the necklace over his head, tugging it harshly as it caught on his bun.

 

“Aleks, I’m serious,” he stated quickly, and Aleks heard his voice jump up an entire octave as he responded.

 

“So am I!” he exclaimed in shock, watching in utter confusion as James opened his hand up and revealed the ring sitting in his palm, the silver chain it was always connected to dangling off the side. “Are you out of your fucking mind?!”

 

“Probably so.” Aleks didn’t even have time to look at his face, another loud explosion shattering their senses and bringing them back to reality. He jerked his head up quickly, peering around the column for a split second to see the crumbling remains of what used to be the front doors of the bank, dust floating thick through the air like some type of fog as more SWAT members came swarming inside, his stomach sinking rapidly.

 

“Jesus fucking Christ,” he muttered harshly beneath his breath, and he turned his head back quickly to meet James’ face, his eyes wide and almost expectant looking. His face was dirty, dust sticking to his sweaty face and he had a scrape on the side of his cheek, probably from some sort of debris that had hit him earlier. He didn’t show any intent on moving, his hand still holding out the tiny diamond ring that rested on his palm, and Aleks couldn’t tell if his hands were shaking from adrenaline or fear.

 

Aleks let his eyes dart down to the piece of jewelry for a second before back up to his eyes, and he could feel his heart beating somewhere in his throat.

 

_Oh, my God. He’s serious. He’s insane, an absolute fucking lunatic. This can’t be happening._

 

Aleks wanted to cry, and he wasn’t sure why. Probably from fear, the fact that they were about to be surrounded by cops and guns and none of their team had come to rescue them yet, signaling that they’d already been caught.

 

Or maybe it was anger, anger because their foolproof plan hadn’t been so foolproof at all and they were on the brink of being destroyed, of being arrested and thrown in jail for the rest of their lives or even being shot up right then and there, destined to die in a pile of rubble.

 

Part of him thought it was disbelief, because even though this was James fucking Wilson he was talking about, there was absolutely no way in hell he had just asked Aleks to marry him, right there in the middle of a heist, mere seconds away from having their heads blown off.

 

But maybe, that was all the reason to ask; can’t get engaged if you’re dead.

 

And maybe, just maybe, Aleks wanted to cry because James had just confessed, out loud, that there was no one else in this goddamn world that he’d rather spend the rest of his life with than him.

 

Anyone would cry at that.

 

His thoughts were moving too quickly for his brain to comprehend and he just sat there for a few seconds, struggling to find words to convey whatever the fuck was going on in his head and his heart and his chest and stomach and he would’ve sat there forever had James not suddenly lunged forward and yanked him towards his body, pulling him out of the way just in time before a bullet whizzed past the spot where his head had just been a moment before.

 

Blindly, and in a daze unlike anything he’d experienced before, he felt James’ large hand grab ahold of the front of his shirt before he was being yanked again, this time up to his feet. James’ hand slid down the side of his arm and to his hand, fingers wrapping tightly around his own before he was running, putting as much distance between them and their now destroyed safety spot, and Aleks was thankful he had enough common sense to follow suit.

 

It was a mess of bullets and yelling; Aleks somehow managed to keep a grip on James’ sweaty hand and turn his body halfway behind him to shoot as they both kept sprinting, making a beeline for the back doors they had entered through before. Aleks aimed for the head each time, dodging his way around bullets that got so close he could hear them right next to his ear, or fly through his hair right above his scalp.

 

_Please, don’t let me die. Not right now, not today._

 

James never faltered; he jerked his arm around every few seconds to hit someone straight between the eyes before he turned forward again and kept running, making sure the doorway was still in sight.

 

It seemed to take ages but was only a few seconds in reality before Aleks was stumbling down the back steps, feet nearly slipping against the newly polished marble until he made contact with the asphalt of the parking lot, gaining much more traction out here than inside. The van was parked right where they left it, the engine on and running and Aleks could see the door being shoved open, Brett’s loud voice ringing out above the chaos.

 

“HURRY UP, LET’S GO!” Aleks felt himself being shoved forward as soon as they arrived, James wasting no time on getting him safely into the vehicle and Aleks nearly threw himself in, colliding with the seats before turning around and blindly shoving his hands forward, searching desperately for James’ body before he was hoisting him inside, yelling over his shoulder.

 

“GET US OUT OF HERE, JOE!” James was barely inside the van before it was taking off, skidding loudly against the pavement as Joe jerked around a corner and made it into the street, the engine roaring loudly in protest as he slammed the gas.

 

James managed to clamber onto the seat just in time for Brett to slam the door shut, everyone dangerously close to spilling out of it beforehand. The chaos outside was muffled now, police sirens still loud but now not nearly as close, and Joe was doing a good job of swerving in and out of neighborhoods and various streets to keep them confused.

 

Aleks was panting, his heart still dangerously close to coming right out of his chest and he was sitting up on his knees at the end of the row, his hands still shaking slightly. He turned his head down to glance at James, who was lying straight on his back like a child.

 

His eyes were closed, his chest rising and falling rapidly as his hands rested on top of his sternum, his legs pulled up and knees bent so that Aleks had room on the seat. The scrape on his face was bleeding more now, pinkish blood mixed with sweat sliding lazily down the side of his neck as he tried to catch his breath.

 

Aleks was only vaguely aware of Brett and Trevor in the row behind them, boring holes into the side of his face with their stares. Joe was focused on the front, still jerking the van around with each hasty turn he took and Asher was turned around in the passenger seat, his gaze darting back and forth between the two men before he cleared his throat once, shifting around in his spot.

 

“Well, that was a close one-“

 

Aleks’ hand was making contact with James’ arm in an instant, a loud smacking noise filling the air as his palm made contact with skin and James yelped out loud in pain, everyone else in the van gasping at once.

 

“YOU’RE A FUCKING PSYCHO!” James merely groaned at that, his opposite hand flying up to meet where Aleks had smacked him, rolling slightly onto his side as he squeezed his eyes shut even tighter.

 

“I’ve been a psycho for years, why the fuck are you hitting me for it now?!” he snapped back agitatedly, and Aleks quickly dodged the way he tried to knee him in the thigh, shoving his leg out of the way in anger.

 

“Oh shut the fuck up, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about!” Aleks leaned down again and reached for his shoulders, adamant on pulling him up but he felt Brett’s strong hand yank him back before he had the chance, wrapping around his shirt collar.

 

“Aleks, stop!” he warned, and Aleks quickly shoved him away, turning his body so that he was facing the back.

 

“No, I won’t fucking stop! Do you know what he did?!” Brett’s face was stony, squinting at him with slightly confused eyes and Trevor just looked lost, his eyebrows raised as he glanced Aleks up and down wearily, holding onto the seat in front of him for support as Joe kept weaving them in and out of traffic.

 

Aleks was livid now, not really knowing why but that wasn’t the point. His blood was practically boiling, his cheeks hot and red and he clenched his hands into fists, jerking his head back towards James, who was slowly pushing to sit himself up in his seat.

 

He raised an arm towards him, pointing at his face with still shaky hands. “He asked me to marry him, IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING SHOOTOUT!”

 

The silence that filled the air then wasn’t really silence; the sound of the van’s screeching tires could still be heard, along with the angry honking from other cars and the faded sirens in the distance. The air in the van, however, was stifling.

 

Aleks could hear his own blood rushing through his ears, so maybe that’s why it seemed so quiet, at least at first. He sat there glaring daggers at James, his teeth clenched and jaw set and he became very aware of the fact that everyone else in the van was staring at him, save for Joe. They were all dead silent, mouths shut with apparently nothing to say and Aleks didn’t blame them.

 

James, however, seemed unaffected by Aleks’ meltdown. He leaned slightly against the back of the door behind him once he finished sitting up, stretching his legs out slightly so that his feet were nearly making contact with Aleks’ legs. Aleks could feel some of the attention divulge away from him and onto James, less eyes burning into the side of his face as James merely smirked slightly at him in response, sliding an arm around the headrest of his seat for support.

 

“Seemed as good a time as ever,” he responded coolly, and Aleks swore he never wanted to choke someone out more in his life than he did right then and there.

 

Aleks ground his teeth even further, already feeling the tension headache coming along and he was already mentally preparing to lunge forward once more and possibly smack that stupid smug look off of his face when James moved slightly and slipped his hand into his pocket, fingers grimy with dirt. He began pulling out the necklace a moment later, the silver chain sliding its way out of the fabric as he did, and Aleks watched as it began to dangle off the side of his palm again, swaying slightly back and forth as Joe kept driving.

 

The ring was small and delicate, a gold band with a shiny little diamond in the middle. Aleks had seen it almost constantly for the last few years, always safe in its spot around James’ neck, the one that had belonged to his mother so many years before

 

James extended his hand slightly, the ring bouncing around against the top of his palm with the movement of the van but never falling, and Aleks could feel his eyes on his face before he even spoke.

 

“I meant what I said back there, Aleksandr.”

 

And his tone wasn’t angry, or accusing, or dripping with disbelief or disgust that Aleks had been expecting. His mind was in a thousand different places at once, all of them struggling to piece together what was happening and to no avail. No, this was the voice that James saved for Aleks and Aleks only, the one that he kept locked away and hidden from the rest of the world and let it out only when they were together, when they were alone and had nothing to distract or hurt them. It was the same voice that Aleks heard in his ear at night, the one that accompanied his gentle fingers and sweet kisses that left him drowning in his own bed, relying on James’ arms to bring him up for air again.

 

 _Oh,_ Aleks thought softly to himself, still staring down at the ring in James’ hand.

 

_He’s serious. He really wants to marry me._

 

Aleks had forgotten how to speak entirely so he relied solely on trying to breathe, realizing directly after that he’d seemed to have forgotten how to do that as well. He probably looked like an idiot, no noise coming from his mouth and his breathing ragged as if he were still struggling to catch it. James’ eyes were focused on him and him only, and Aleks felt violently exposed in his gaze. Deep brown and dark pupils, large and round and full of a million different things that Aleks didn’t even want to try and decipher.

 

_How long has he been planning this? How long has he known?_

 

It didn’t make any sense at all.

 

Aleks started shaking his head before he realized what he was doing, tilting his head down as the physical pain from the morning’s events began to set in all at once like some sort of act of God. He could feel various stinging on his arms and face, fresh cuts that hadn’t been felt from the adrenaline that had been drowning his veins. His entire body ached, bruises throbbing on what felt like every inch of his skin and he didn’t even want to know what colors they were turning, was dreading the moment he got into the shower tonight.

 

It was strange, the way his mind worked; focus on literally anything else, except for the question at hand and the man sitting directly in front of you, holding his mother’s ring in his palm.

 

He closed his eyes for a moment, listening to the hum of the engine and the lack of sound from everyone else in the van, inhaling slowly before opening them again. Aleks stared directly down at James’ leg, his pants still covered in dust from the building. Joe seemed to hit a pothole in the road and Aleks felt himself being bumped up along with the rest of the vehicle, lifting his head at the brash movement before making eye contact with James again and immediately regretting it.

 

He looked panicked, his eyes wider than usual and eyebrows raised. Aleks watched his Adam’s apple bob in his throat as he swallowed thickly, bruising on his neck already beginning to color his skin before he was sitting up quickly, clasping his fingers around the necklace once more.

 

“Aleks…” he began slowly, and his voice was thick with something Aleks couldn’t quite place. Fear? Misery? Panic? Whatever it was made his blood run cold and his heart rate quicken again, furrowing his eyebrows slightly as James continued.

 

“Look, I...that was stupid, I know it was. I’m a fucking moron and anyone in their right mind would know that’s just...you don’t do that.” Aleks didn’t react to that, and James seemed to had been expecting at least something but didn’t receive it, his face crumbling a bit more as he continued.

 

“It’s not a joke. I know it might seem like it, but...it’s not. I’ve been wanting to ask you this for, God...months now.” Aleks felt his eyebrows raise slightly at that, his stomach churning nauseously at the words. James still looked worried, and Aleks could see the way he was fidgeting with the fabric of his pants how, hands resting on top of his thighs, his right one still clutched into a fist.

 

“It was bad back there, and for some reason the ring was so...heavy on my chest, like it was burning my skin and constantly reminding me that I hadn’t asked yet and this little voice in my head was just yelling over and over, what are you afraid of? Just ask him, you’ve never loved anyone or anything else in this world as much as you love him.”

 

Aleks’ head was definitely spinning now, probably swaying a lot more in his spot than was deemed necessary for Joe’s driving, which had calmed down dramatically. Still, he didn’t say a word, not that he could’ve even if he tried, and James looked all the more upset, swallowing down what was probably a deep breath for courage before he was leaning forward, his hands going straight for Aleks’ hands.

 

“Baby…” he said quietly, and Aleks nearly jumped at his touch, warm and electric and so James that it almost hurt. Aleks blinked furiously, still struggling to process as he tilted his head up a bit to meet his eyes once more and make up for the closer distance, suddenly very self aware of how ragged his own breathing had gotten.

 

James held on tightly, and Aleks could feel the cold metal chain from the necklace pressing against his palm, his face heating up once he realized it. He opened his mouth as if to speak and merely inhaled a deep breath instead, James’ face scrunching up in even more pain as he did.

 

“Aleks...I love you so much. I don’t say it enough but I do, I’m so thankful to have you and I could live for a million years and still never be good enough to deserve you. I’ve been rehearsing how to do this in my head for months, and it was going to be perfect but then we were in that stupid bank, and everything was falling apart and suddenly I couldn’t stop it from coming out.” Aleks merely stared at him, still as a statue as James squeezed his hands harder, pressing his lips together for a moment before continuing.

 

“You were sitting next to me and I saw your face and it was like the first time all over again, in that storm in the middle of the night in Los Santos and I could hear the gunshots and saw your arm bleeding and I thought, what if I don’t get another chance? Then he’s never going to know how much he meant to me.”

 

Aleks felt the corners of his eyes beginning to sting, his throat closing up as James slowly began to pull his hands away.

 

“And I know that seems shitty, like I waited until we were in a life and death situation to pop the question but it wasn’t like that, I was just so scared and the words came pouring out like a fucking fountain and Aleksandr, I didn’t want to stop them. This is everything I’ve ever wanted, and it wasn’t ideal or perfect in any way but fuck, it felt so good to say those things out loud.”

 

_You’re definitely dead. You got shot back at the bank and you died and this is Heaven, or maybe some sort of version of Hell where you never get to marry the man who proposed to you._

 

_There was no way this was happening. Not in real life._

 

_Not to Aleks._

 

He felt like a deer in the headlights and probably looked like one too; Aleks was suddenly aware of how dry his mouth was from being slightly open, still staring at James with wide eyes. His hands were still wrapped in James’ own, and he only realized they were once he felt them being moved, snapping out of his reverie in time to see James slip his fingers away and pull his hands back towards his chest.

 

Aleks watched the older man tilt his head down and open his right hand, the ring still sitting in the middle of his palm. Dirty, bloody fingers worked quickly to unclasp the chain the piece of jewelry was hanging on, and Aleks could see the way his hands trembled slightly as he did.

 

After a few moments the chain was being shoved back into his pocket and James had the ring pinched in between this thumb and the side of his index finger, staring at it with a furrowed brow for a second before he let out a slow breath, leaning back slightly on his knees.

 

The rest of the car had been absolutely silent the entire time, and Aleks only became aware of it when he felt everyone’s gaze upon his face once more. He swallowed thickly, his throat getting more and more constricted by the second and he was truly afraid that he might pass out right here, in the middle of this van that was still very much speeding down a dirt road surrounded by people he’d murdered with, people he loved and people he’d die for, his gaze held by a man who had such a tight grip on Aleks’ heart that he should be afraid of it, should be absolutely terrified.

 

James stared at him for a couple more seconds, I holding another deep breath before he moved his arm up slightly, the ring catching the early morning light from outside the window.

 

“Aleksandr?” he began slowly, his deep voice wavering slightly.

 

“Would you please...will you marry me?”

 

And really, it was no question at all.

 

_My God, you ARE in love with him._

 

Aleks threw his arms up just as James finished, taking his face into his hands before pulling him close and eliminating every bit of space in between them before pressing a kiss to his lips, opening his mouth immediately to allow him inside.

 

The tears were falling but Aleks couldn’t bring himself to care, one arm snaking around the back of James’ neck as Aleks felt himself being pulled towards the other man’s chest, hips bumping in the process. James tilted his head slightly to the side and urged Aleks in deeper, tongue sliding effortlessly in between his teeth like it was his job.

 

When Aleks finally pulled back for air, he could feel his lips tingling from sheer euphoria, his body buzzing with excitement and energy and he blinked quickly at James, arm still hooked around the back of his neck.

 

James looked almost dazed, his mouth still slightly opened and lips swollen from the kiss. His eyes were closed, and he took a moment to slowly open them again, pupils large and eyebrows raised as he zoned back in on Aleks’ face. His cheeks were flushed a dark pink color, the blood and dirt on his face seemingly unnoticeable for a second as Aleks grinned at him, nodding his head quick.

 

“Yes, of course I will.”

 

The car had seemed to roar back to life in an instant, everyone around them clapping and cheering obviously and Aleks barely heard them, tuning it out until he heard the all too familiar sound of Lindsey screeching in his ear.

 

“YES, FINALLY!” He jumped slightly in James’ grip, wincing at the sound and pulled away in time to see James yanking his own earpiece out, grimacing as Aleks turned around questioningly.

 

“How’d she hear?” he asked pointedly, and he turned his head to meet Trevor’s sheepish face, watching as he tapped his index finger against the the button on the side of his earpiece, getting a static noise in response.

 

“I had mine on the whole time, surprised you didn’t notice. She heard everything.” Aleks reached over and shoved him playfully in the shoulder, getting a giggle from his friend as James’ face flushed darker, realizing every single one of his friends had just heard his sappy marriage proposal.

 

Aleks loved every single bit of this.

 

He turned his head back and grinned at James, reaching up to wipe the back of his sleeve on his face quickly, eager to get rid of the shine on his face. “Don’t worry, everyone saw me cry, too,” he joked, and James smiled fondly at that, shrugging his shoulders.

 

“It’s okay. I should’ve done this when I first met you, to be quite honest.” Aleks felt his face heat up rapidly, his cheeks burning even in the stuffy van and James beamed at the response, lifting his hand up quickly before reaching for Aleks’ own and pulling it close.

 

“Oh, I’ve been waiting for this…” Aleks listened to James murmur to no one in particular, his voice soft and slightly raspy as he gently lifted Aleks’ left hand, tucking his fingers beneath to straighten it out.

 

Aleks’ heart was pounding in his ribs, holding his breath for no particular reason as James lifted his other hand that was holding the ring, his mother’s ring, the one that he’d kept on him for years and years and was now giving it to Aleks, trusting him with such a precious thing that it almost made him want to cry all over again.

 

But he didn’t; Aleks pressed his lips together in a fond smile as James very carefully slid the piece of jewelry onto his ring finger, sucking in a breath when it reached his knuckle.

 

“Oh my God, it fits perfectly…” he murmured softly, tilting his head up as James smirked and pulled away.

 

“Got it sized somewhere in California when I decided to propose a few months ago,” he replied smoothly, and Aleks gaped at him only for a second before he was tackling him from across the van, the two of them colliding with the fabric of the seats below and frowning themselves in a flood of giggles that made Aleks feel like the happiest person alive.

 

He still thinks he was.

  


**_february 13th, 2019_ **

  
  
  


Geoff wasn’t upset; Aleks hadn’t really expected him to be, anyway. He’d always had a soft spot for James, but he hoped that his name hadn’t been brought up out of the fear that the head of the entirely of Los Santos’ crew network might look upon him differently now.

 

Everyone else seemed more than pleased to have the day off, something that made Aleks laugh and James a bit annoyed.

 

“They dropped everything and ran as soon as I told them, can you believe that?” Aleks giggled softly, carding his fingers through James’ still wet hair after the older man had laid back down in bed and his bun had fallen apart.

 

“To be fair, we haven’t had any downtime in awhile,” he said gently, and James huffed loudly at that, his fingers dancing against the edge of Aleks’ hip, dragging the fabric of his shirt along with it.

 

“Still, they were way too excited. Lindsey and Anna just about flew to their bedroom, and everyone else went out to see their boyfriends or girlfriends. I wouldn’t be surprised if we didn’t see them for a couple days.” Aleks smirked at that, running his thumb along the edge of James’ face.

 

“You practically flew up here to see me,” he pointed out, and James smiled fondly, tilting his face up a bit.

 

“You’re special,” he responded, and Aleks felt his cheeks flush, red hot and warm and James’ grin grew, sitting up in his spot.

 

“Let’s go out,” he said suddenly, and Aleks blinked at that, raising his eyebrows at him.

 

“Go out?” he asked almost stupidly, and James rolled his eyes, pushing against his hip gently.

 

“Yes, go out, moron. Like, on a date.” Aleks’ face was burning now, still lounging against the pillows as James smiled at him, clearly enjoying himself.

 

“We haven’t been on one of those in awhile,” he continued, and Aleks opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out, his mind reeling over James’ words.

 

_What the fuck is wrong with you, idiot? It’s a date for God’s sake, with the man you’re in love with. Why are you acting like this?_

 

Still, Aleks felt like his brain had shut down and, regardless of how stupid he knew he looked, couldn’t get any words out.

 

James found this amusing, wrinkling his nose fondly at the younger, blushing man, pursing his lips slightly.

 

“Aw, come on. You really gonna make me go by myself?” Aleks sucked in a breath as James reached forward and trailed his fingertips against his lips, dragging the bottom one slightly with his index finger for a moment before letting go, still holding that smirk on his face.

 

“No,” Aleks finally managed to choke out, clearly his throat quickly as James giggled softly, dropping his hand and watching as Aleks sat up, running his fingers through his hair.

 

“I...yeah, let’s go.” Aleks lifted his gaze and stared as defiantly as he could as James, still feeling the warmth in his cheeks. “Let’s...let’s go on a date.”

 

Half an hour later found Aleks in the car with James, holding gently onto his hand as the older man drove, speaking a mile a minute like he always did. Aleks smiled to himself, keeping quiet as James rambled on about God knows what, staring down at the way their hands were so effortlessly intertwined, James’ tanned knuckles clashing with his pale ones.

 

James hadn’t told Aleks where they were going; frankly, Aleks didn’t want to know.

 

Besides; James had always been a master at surprises.

 

It was still fairly early in the morning, so traffic wasn’t its usual nightmare. Aleks kept staring out the window, people watching as he glanced at faces in cars, watching vehicles whiz past him on the highway before he heard James’ voice swim back into his brain.

 

“Aleks? Are you listening to me?”

 

Aleks blinked, turning his head around quickly to face James.

 

“What?” he asked stupidly, and James cackled loudly at that, shaking his head as he kept his eyes on the road.

 

“Clearly not,” he responded, but he didn’t sound upset. “I was just making a comment about how Lindsey and Anna must be enjoying that empty house all to themselves.”

 

Aleks smirked at that, turning his gaze back towards the road ahead of them.

 

“Yeah well, they’d better. The thin walls aren’t exactly ideal for our living situation,” he retorted, and James hummed absently at that, coming to a turn signal.

 

“Bet they could say the same about us,” he said mildly, and Aleks pressed his lips together in sheepish agreement as James turned the car.

 

Aleks had grown up in Los Santos, but he still felt like James knew the city better than he did. It was probably true; being the leader of a crew meant knowing the streets like the back of your hand, and Aleks had never really had the patience for that. They parked in a lot next to a nicer part of the city, lush flowers and plantlife decorating the edges of the streets that people were milling around on.

 

Aleks shut the door quietly behind him before rounding around the front of the car, looking around as he shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket.

 

“Where’d you take me?” he asked absently, taking in the green ivy canopy over the sidewalk they were currently on.

 

“Out.” Aleks rolled his eyes at the response, turning his body around to watch James shut his own car door, locking it behind him before shoving his keys in his pocket and offering Aleks his arm, still smirking happily. “No questions, just enjoy the day.”

 

Aleks huffed indignantly at that, reaching out and slipping his arm around James’ own anyway as they began to cross the street.

 

“Rude,” he huffed under his breath with no actual malice, and Aleks tilted his head up to see James’ smile grow, still staring straight ahead as they walked.

 

Aleks followed his lead, making sure to stay quiet as he took in everything around them. There were random shops lining the street they were currently walking down, holding things ranging from antiques and books to designer clothes and jewelry. James took his time, slowing down whenever he felt Aleks lag behind to stare at something in a window, never letting go of his arm.

 

“What is it?” James commented lightly at one particular store, stopping as Aleks turned his entire body towards the shop window.

 

“No, it’s just...I see Joe.” Aleks couldn’t help but laugh at the way James whipped around at that, immediately joining Aleks at his side and nearly pressing his face against the glass.

 

“Shut up, where?!” Aleks laughed harder, dropping his arm from around James’ before pointing towards the back of the store.

 

“There, next to the display of necklaces and shit on the back counter.” Aleks heard James hum childishly at that, like the sheer thought of seeing his best friend on a date was too much to handle.

 

“I’ve never seen her, even though he talks my ear off about her all the time.” Aleks smirked and shook his head, watching the older man crane his neck for a better look, nearly standing on his tiptoes.

 

“Yeah, you’d probably embarrass him in front of her,” he retorted, turning back to glance at the couple in the back again. “She’s pretty.”

 

James scoffed playfully at that, waving a hand towards the window as he pulled back before snaking his arm around Aleks’ waist, pulling him close.

 

“Not as pretty as you,” he stated simply, and Aleks sucked in a deep breath at that, tilting his head down towards the concrete to hide his smile and flushed cheeks.

 

It was easy to lose track of time; by the time they’d pretty much finished walking up and down the street, it was nearing the evening. The influx of people from the afternoon had begun to die out and the sky had turned a pleasant pink color, the sun well on its way to departing.

 

“Hang tight, let me go make sure I paid for enough parking, yeah?” Aleks lifted his head at that, tearing his gaze away from a bookshop as James spoke up, nodding a bit.

 

“Yeah, sure,” he responded, letting go of his arm. “I’ll be in here just browsing, okay?” James leaned in and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before departing, Aleks watching him disappear across the street with his keys in hand before turning around and going inside.

 

The shop was small, with a couple people inside busy flipping through books or curled up in an armchair reading one, the quiet static and faint music of an old radio filling the space. Aleks gave a friendly smile to the older woman at the front desk before slipping inside, shoving his hands in his pockets. He’d never been the biggest fan of reading; or books, for that matter, but this place felt strangely like home, like an old memory he couldn’t quite place stuck far behind in his brain.

 

Aleks picked up a particularly old looking book that was sat on a table in front of one of the windows, squinting slightly down at it for a moment before he saw movement from out of the corner of his eye, looking up and outside.

 

Most people were on their way out, walking towards their cars or down the street to other parts of the city save for a group of men, 5 or 6 of them all dressed in button down shirts and slacks, some with sunglasses and some without.

 

One man in particular, close to the front of the group, caught Aleks’ attention. He had sandy blonde hair and the beginnings of a light beard, dark Aviators covering his eyes. He seemed the most attentive, taking in anything and everything around him, particularly people walking past.

 

Aleks set his book down slowly, frowning a bit as the rest of the men behind him began to disperse, disappearing into various shops as the blonde man stayed outside, brushing his hand against a pistol that he suddenly noticed was hanging from his belt.

 

“Fuck,” Aleks breathed faintly to himself, shutting the cover and pushing it back on the table, taking a slow step back. The man didn’t notice his movements, still glancing around the street before he took his glasses off, revealing slightly squinted blue eyes, slipping them to hang off of the front of his shirt.

 

Aleks swallowed thickly, sidestepping his way from the window and back towards the aisle, his heart pounding rapidly within his chest as he pulled out his phone, opening his messages with slightly shaky fingers to find James’ name.

 

**Don’t come in; cops outside. I’ll get back to the car without being seen.**

 

He sent the text quickly before glancing up again, feeling his stomach sink to somewhere within his feet as he caught glance of James across the street, weaving his way through a family that was busy crossing the street, headed towards the store and passing only a few feet away from the blond cop.

 

“Shit,” he gasped out loud, ignoring the strange looks he received from the customers inside as he quickly turned on his heel and made a beeline for the back of the shop, pushing open a door that was designated for staff only. He stumbled his way down the concrete steps, rounding the corner of the building before glancing around it, eyes darting every which way to try and spot James again.

 

He was in the middle of the crowded street now, glancing down at his phone at what Aleks could only assume was his text message, frowning down at the screen. Aleks took a tentative step forward, into the alleyway that separated the stores from each other and saw the back of the cop’s head, his back turned to James and Aleks lifted his arms, waving them wildly to try and get his attention.

 

“James, please…” he breathed to no one in particular, watching as the older man lifted his head, blinking towards Aleks with a deep frown on his face. He shoved his phone quickly in his pocket, glancing around himself quickly before he began to finish crossing the street, taking time to try and blend himself in with large groups that were still filing out.

 

It felt like an eternity before he reached the other side, and Aleks had his shaking hands shoved into his pockets to try and mask the fear that had overtaken him. His eyes darted from James and the blond cop, making sure he wasn’t seeing anything and finally let out a rushed sigh of relief once James reached his grasp, reaching forward and grabbing onto his arms quickly.

 

“Jesus Christ,” he managed out weakly, closing his eyes as James immediately reached forward and grabbed ahold of his wrists, steadying him in his spot.

 

“Baby, breathe. It’s okay, we’re okay.” Aleks swallowed at that, inhaling another shaky breath as James slipped an arm behind his head and shoulders, pulling him forward to fall against his chest. “Relax, we’re gonna get out of here. Just follow my lead.”

 

Aleks nodded quickly, his face brushing against James’ shirt as he did. James’ voice was steady and calm, reminding Aleks of how he could absolutely never be the leader of any type of crew. He wasn’t like that, didn’t have that bone in his body or that part of your brain that made you fearless.

 

James very quickly but gently dropped his hand from Aleks’ wrist, spinning him around to face the back of the alley effortlessly as he slipped his arm around the small of his back, steering him to walk forward.

 

“Just keep quiet, look forward. The car isn’t that far,” he murmured into Aleks’ ear, lifting his mouth just as they rounded the corner of the alley and started making their way down the back path, dark and faintly illuminated by back lights from the buildings.

 

They were separated from the main street and that eased Aleks’ conscience slightly, staring straight ahead as he felt James turn his head as they passed by each alleyway, peering down them for a split second to see if anyone was following them, arm still tight around his waist.

 

People were talking and laughing, normal sounds that Aleks hoped were enough to distract the cops that were still mulling about the stores. They were almost towards the end of the path where the street broke into the green, leafy canopy they’d parked beneath when the backdoor of a shop a few feet ahead of them was thrown open, and James was yanking Aleks into the alley right beside them.

 

Aleks gasped and James stifled it with his large hand, covering his mouth almost instantly as he slipped his arm around the front of his stomach and pulled him backwards, out of the light and into the dark, damp shadows cast by the building.

 

They were absolutely silent, watching as the man, a larger brunette one with his pistol clasped in his hand, crept his way right past them, footsteps heavy as he crossed the opening to the alley. Aleks wasn’t breathing, absolutely still in James’ firm grip, pale hands clasped onto the front of the tanned arm that was currently holding him.

 

They waited a few moments after the footsteps had passed, faded off down the opposite direction they were headed before James slowly let go of his waist, dropping his hand from his mouth.

 

“I think he’s gone,” he whispered almost inaudibly, and Aleks dug his fingers into James’ arm before he turned around in his spot to face him.

 

“How did they find us?” he asked almost desperately, as if James would somehow know the answer to that. James shook his head quickly, still looking around them and not down at Aleks’ face.

 

“I don’t know, it doesn’t matter. Let’s just get home so we can call Geoff,” he murmured back, staring forward at the street that was now basically deserted. Aleks followed his gaze, gritting his teeth anxiously to try and see something that he was missing, but he was greeted with nothing but dim lights and a dark sky that was signaling their need to get out of there.

 

“Come on, let’s go.” James had his arm back around Aleks in an instant, turning them back towards their desired back way escape route before they both stopped dead in their tracks, coming face to face with the blond cop from earlier.

 

“Go where?” Aleks felt his breath catch in his throat, freezing in place as he felt James tense up at his side. The cop smiled at them, showing off an array of shiny white teeth. His glasses were pushed back up on his head now, pushing his light hair up and out of his face. His eyes were a light blue color, pale and sinister and paired well with the amused smirk on his face, tilting his head to the side a bit.

 

“We just got here! Well, not really,” He took a step forward and James immediately backed up, pulling Aleks with him. The man laughed a bit at that, shaking his head and resting his hands on his hips. “We’ve been here for a bit. I’m sure you noticed; you were avoiding us like the fucking plague.”

 

Aleks inhaled slowly at that, feeling the way James’ fingers were tightening around his shoulder before the older man spoke up.

 

“Bit of a fear of cops, I’m sure you understand.” The cop smiled at that, flashing another toothy grin that made Aleks slightly nauseated. James’ voice was unwavering, stoic and strong and Aleks silently admired it, staying silent as the blond man spoke again.

 

“Yeah, I get it. Makes sense, actually...a group of fucking degenerates like you would want nothing to do with us.” There was a beat then, one where Aleks felt like someone had suddenly sucked all of the air out the alley, out of the world. His chest tightened and his lungs seemed to stop working.

 

The man’s voice had turned sour, shifted into a darker territory that Aleks wasn’t too keen on exploring. His face had shifted too, the usual easy going and somewhat friendly demeanor disappearing in an instant.

 

He took another step forward and this time James didn’t move, stayed directly in place and Aleks felt how rigid he was against his side, taking this moment to study the man in front of him.

 

He wasn’t bad looking; handsome, almost, with a nicely structured face and jawline. Blond stubble decorated his chin and face, and his eyes were even more terrifying in close proximity than Aleks could’ve imagined; a sharp blue that seemed to gaze right through him like he was as translucent as glass.

 

His gun still hung almost mockingly from his belt, and each time he moved his hand Aleks found his eyes darting down to see if he was grabbing it, watching as he’d lazily brush his fingers against the handle before moving them away.

 

“I’ve been tracking you fuckers for months,” he continued darkly, raising an index finger up to their faces. He let it float between James’ face and Aleks’ own for a moment, letting his gaze linger almost uncomfortably on one before he turned to the other. “Always moving around, always hiding out. This city’s too goddamn big, but I finally got you.”

 

He drawled out the last part of his sentence with an almost sickening weight to it, a sudden shift in tone that sent the hairs on the back of Aleks’ neck bristling. James stood up straighter at that, and Aleks felt the way his hand was slowly but surely beginning to slide down his back.

 

“I’m flattered,” James responded cooly, not an ounce of panic in his voice. “No one’s ever spent that much time on me.” Aleks could practically hear the condescending smile in his words, and he silently prayed to whoever the fuck was listening right now that James’ smart mouth wasn’t about to get them killed.

 

“It’s my job, kid. Don’t be so fucking flattered,” the cop responded amusedly, although the dark tone never quite left his voice. “Let’s make this simple, I don’t want a scene, alright?”

 

Aleks barely had time to see him finally pull his gun from his waist, the silver of the shiny metal glinting only for a split second in the dim alley lightly before he felt James’ hand on his lower back suddenly shove him forward, pushing him off towards the side and up towards their exit route.

 

“GO!” James was loud and sudden and Aleks somehow managed not to stumble as he swung around the blond cop in one swift movement, barely making it past him and back towards the sidewalk as he heard James’ fist make contact with his face.

 

His heart was racing and his lungs were on fire, not only from running but from the sheer panic that was taking over his entire body. He couldn’t process what was happening, or that his legs were moving and he was running, only focused on what James had told him to do.

 

_Get to the car, Aleks. He’s gonna be right behind you. Just get to the fucking c-_

 

Aleks felt the cool metal of a pistol make contact with the back of his head, stumbling forward and crying out in pain as he skidded to a halt and whipped around, just in time to dodge another blow from one of the cops he’d seen prowling around earlier.

 

It had been a solid minute since Aleks had physically fought anyone, let alone cops, but the pure adrenaline and fear pumping through his veins seemed to trigger his memory and before he knew it his knuckles were sore and the man in question was out cold on the bricked road beneath him.

 

Aleks looked up quickly, trying to catch his breath and glancing around for anyone else that was going to come lurking from the shadows before he stooped down to pick up the fallen pistol on the ground. His body felt almost electric, his senses heightened from the shock of the situation and he took a tentative step forward, gingerly allowing his weight to fall on his foot and not make any sound.

 

A split second later Aleks saw James dart back into his sight of vision, shooting out from around the corner of the alley he’d been in, and Aleks barely had time to register his presence before he was sprinting past him, large hand grabbing onto Aleks’ arm and yanking forward.

 

“Let’s go!” The pain of James’ grip on his wrist grounded him enough to suddenly snap back to reality and he managed to get his footing on the brick patterned road before he was running right along behind him, snaking his fingers to grab ahold of the bottom of his sleeve as he did.

 

James never looked back once, practically dragging Aleks across the street and towards their car, one of the only ones left on it. Aleks watched him maneuver his way past a confused looking couple who were standing on the sidewalk, beneath the canopy of leaves Aleks had commented on hours before.

 

James yanked the driver’s side door open and leapt in in one swift movement, dropping Aleks’ wrist in the process. Aleks sprinted around the front, hearing James start the car and he’d barely made it inside before the older man was speeding off, shooting down the street like a bullet from a gun.

 

“Holy fuck…” Aleks managed to shut the door and heard the locks click in reciprocation, breathing out the first words that came to mind. “James, what the fuck was that?”

 

James was silent in response, and Aleks managed to tear his gaze away from the blurring of city lights and dark skies through the windshield to turn and properly face him for the first time.

 

His lip was busted, dark blood dripping from his mouth and down his chin, disappearing into his facial hair. His hair was a mess, sticking out every which way from his bun and he was staring straight ahead, knuckles white as he clenched tightly onto the steering wheel.

 

Aleks swallowed thickly, his hand still squeezed around the handle of his own door, tentatively releasing the plastic handle as he began to take in James’ rigid, panicked physique.

 

“James, baby...calm down.” Silence again, and Aleks heard the roar of the engine in the car increase in volume, his eyes darting out the windshield again to see them speeding past cars on the highway. “Slow down, you can’t draw more attention to us.”

 

More silence. Aleks inhaled a breath, shifting slightly in his spot before he finally felt the car begin to slow, steadily beginning to match the flow of traffic on the highway around them.

 

Aleks didn’t say anything else, sinking slightly into the back of his leather seat, feeling his body beginning to ache as the gravity of the situation began to weigh down on him.

 

“Fuck…” he breathed slowly, letting his eyes fall shut as he leaned back against the headrest. He raised his hands up to rub at his face, pressing his palms into the hollows of his eyes.

 

“I’m sorry,” James finally spoke up, and Aleks was alarmed at how unsteady his voice sounded, opening his eyes and turning his head quickly to face him.

 

“Stop, this isn’t your fault.” James didn’t react, still staring forward as he drove, slowing down as they took an exit off the highway. “You didn’t bring them here. I don’t know how they found us, but..it wasn’t you.”

 

James stopped behind the car in front of them, letting the gentle hum of the running engine fill the silence between them. Aleks watched as he slowly took his hands on the wheel, slowly moving his fingers around as if to ease the tension from gripping the cover so tightly, inhaling slowly through his nose.

 

“I don’t know either,” he said slowly, as if he were thinking of the words for the first time. “Something must’ve happened elsewhere, we’ve been fairly quiet for weeks now.” Aleks stayed silent, still glancing down as James carefully curled his hand into a fist, thumb pressing deeply into the top of his knuckles and he quickly reached over to take it, wrapping both his hands around the skin.

 

“Breathe, baby,” he murmured slowly, tilting his gaze up to look James from the side, taking in the way his face was bathed in the red glow of the stoplight ahead of them. “Just focus on getting us home, we’ll regroup and call Geoff and figure this shit out.”

 

James swallowed at that, his throat moving slightly as he did but Aleks could feel him relax, his hand gently unclenching from its fist before his fingers slowly slid their way against his palm, slipping in between the gaps of Aleks’ own hand to hold it.

 

“Okay,” he breathed in response, his voice soft and defeated and Aleks’ heart broke, instinctively squeezing his hand in reciprocation. He watched the light turn green, bathing their car in the soft glow and Aleks turned his head to face forward, feeling the motion of the car beneath him as James gently pressed on the gas, driving over the crosswalk line.

 

Aleks heard the screeching before anything else, the screaming of car brakes and horns blaring and there was a moment where things seem to suddenly stop, freeze in time and just hang there.

 

They were in the middle of the intersection when they got hit; Aleks’ scream had barely left his mouth before the sound of metal against metal was drowning him out, loud and angry. Two cars hit at once, both on either side and hitting at the exact same time, and Aleks felt James’ hand leave his grip to grab onto the wheel a split second before.

 

Aleks’ head made contact with the dashboard in front of him, his body flying forward with no seatbelt but being thrown to the side at the same time with the force of the car to his right. Glass rained down upon him like a shower, his skin stinging as the initial shock began to set in, and their car came to a skidding halt in the middle of the intersection.

 

The silence that followed the few seconds after was stuff made of nightmares, stuff that Aleks couldn’t have even fathomed in his mind. His head was throbbing, his rapid heartbeat making him almost nauseous as he struggled to open his eyes. The first thing he saw was blood, bright and red and staining the plastic frame of the dashboard he had collided with earlier, and the sight of it made his forehead start to sting. The entire right side of the car was crushed in, squeezing him against the center console and bending him towards the driver’s side.

 

Aleks inhaled a deep breath, blinking his eyes slowly as he tried to move his legs, colliding with more metal as he did. He lifted his head carefully, moving his head in the little space he had left and felt his body scream in protest, powering through it with a grimace as he turned to face his left.

 

James was out cold, his body bent forward over himself and his forehead pressed against the top of the steering wheel. The side of his face was bloody, stained shiny and red and Aleks could see a steady dripping of blood coming from the corner of his mouth, staining the fabric of his jeans. His tattooed arms were covered with what look like a thousand tiny cuts, the shower of the shattered windshield showing him no mercy and Aleks twisted his own arm up carefully, grimacing in pain as he struggled to reach forward and grab ahold of James’ wrist, pressing his index finger against his vein carefully, feeling a weak pulse in response.

 

Something seemed to shift then, the panic and horror and grief of the entire situation hitting him all at once like a battering ram and his stomach lurched horribly, feeling everything threaten to come up out of his throat again. Aleks suddenly realized how confined he actually was, both sides of the car smashed in and twisted like a fortress made to keep him from escaping, and he felt claustrophobia squeeze his dirty little hands around his throat, his breathing speeding up.

 

“James…” he croaked out, not even recognizing his own voice as he began to struggle in his spot, each movement causing more pain throughout his body. “Baby, wake up…” He moved his right foot, edging it towards the smashed in door and tried to kick, making no progress and he inhaled another panicked breath.

 

“Fuck…” Outside people were yelling, and Aleks could hear car doors opening and slamming shut. He lifted his head slightly, trying his hardest to glance through the opening from the now absent windshield, and felt blood trickle down into his eye instead, making it sting and burn and he blinked quickly, tilting his head back down again.

 

The chaos outside seemed to fade slightly, and Aleks wondered if his body was going into shock. He managed to look back up at James through blurry eyes, blinking past irritated tears to see him still unconscious and slumped over the wheel before the door behind him was being ripped open, feeling himself being grabbed by unknown hands.

 

“James?!” The arms around his waist acted quickly, swiftly yanking him out of vehicle before throwing him towards the ground like a discarded toy.

 

Aleks didn’t even have time to react, simply gasped as an involuntary response as he collided with the pavement, more glass digging its way into his palms as he struggled to catch himself, his knees skidding slightly as he landed. More blood began to drip into his eyes and he raised the back of his hand to his forehead to wipe it away, turning his body around to face whoever had yanked him out.

 

The road was empty, the streetlights harsh against the deeply dark sky above him, blinking furiously as he struggled to sit up. The intersection was sparkling with shattered glass, doused against the black pavement like confection sugar, out of rhythm and slightly erratic. His heart was still pounding, painful against his ribs and he could hear its violent nature in his ears, trying to focus on his breathing as he twisted his body around to face their car.

 

It was almost completely demolished, an unrecognizable twisted statue of black metal that looked like an ill omen to anything around it. The headlights were still on somehow, shining out into the black abyss of the road in front of it and Aleks suddenly realized he was very much alone.

 

The chaos he’d heard while still inside the car was gone, the air thick with an eerie silence that accompanied horror movies and ghost stories. Aleks could hear himself breathing, panting heavily as he tried to swallow down the lump that had formed in his throat.

 

“James?” There was no response, a gentle breeze rustling his hair instead, sending goosebumps across his skin.

 

Aleks slowly moved his legs, still glancing around uneasily for whoever had yanked him from the vehicle before he was standing up, groaning in pain as his leg throbbed, glancing down to see blood seeping through his jeans, a jagged cut opening the fabric and skin on the side of his calf.

 

Through more blinking, he became more aware that the fogginess he was struggling to see through was actually smoke, beginning to billow from beneath the hood of the destroyed car. He abruptly stepped back, coughing slightly at the thickness of it invading his lungs when he suddenly felt the cold steel of a pistol tip being pressed into the back of his skull.

 

“Don’t move.” Aleks froze, feeling the metal digging further into the skin of his upper neck and he swallowed thickly, doing as he was told.

 

With the gun still pressed against him, Aleks felt rough hands grab onto his arms, yanking them down swiftly towards his lower back and a split second later the harsh cold of handcuffs on his wrists.

 

“You’re in for it now, you piece of shit.” Aleks felt his stomach churn at the stranger’s harsh voice, stumbling back as he felt himself being pulled.

 

“Let me get James...” Aleks felt the gun make contact with his temple before he could even finish getting the words out, crying out in pain as the man scoffed.

 

“Shut up, asshole.” Aleks’ eyes darted back towards the car, struggling to see past the smoke that was now threatening to envelop the entire area.

 

“James?!” His throat hurt from the effort of yelling, ripping through his mouth like an animal as the primal panic began to set in, struggling against his handcuffs. “JAMES!”

 

A swift kick to the side of his leg that was opened and bloody sent Aleks down on his knees in a flash, groaning in pain almost instantly.

 

“I said, shut UP!” He felt heat on his face, and Aleks looked up suddenly to see fire, bright orange and red with large flames seeming to reach towards the sky, the hood of the car quickly becoming enveloped in its grip.

 

“JAMES!” Aleks wasn’t even sure how he was moving anymore, knew he had to be losing blood faster than he could imagine as he immediately lunged forward, trying his hardest to get back on his feet before he felt himself being yanked back again, this time by the collar of his shirt.

 

“Let’s GO!” Another swift hand motion sent Aleks gagging, his own shirt choking him as he was forced up on his feet, heels dragging against the pavement as he struggled to scream, trying to fight against his grip.

 

“James…” he managed to sputter out, reaching behind him with cuffed hands to weakly grab at the arm that still held onto his collar, coughing loudly when he received an elbow to the throat in response.

 

“Oh, Austin’s gonna love this…” Aleks groaned at the cop’s voice, feeling his body beginning to give out before he lifted his head again, blinking past more blood and sweat in his eyes as the car became an orange blur in his vision, unclear and fuzzy.

 

The explosion that happened seconds later was enough to send them both freezing, stopping in their tracks and Aleks felt the hand slip from his collar entirely.

 

The car was completely enveloped in flames, any sort of frame and structure it had beforehand destroyed now. Smoke billowed from it like fog rolling off a lake, taunting everything around it and Aleks felt like his lungs were full of the stuff, his mouth slightly opened in pure horror.

 

“Baby…” Aleks’ mind was flooded with the image of James in the car, slumped over the steering wheel and bleeding from his mouth, his eyes closed and his body still and Aleks could nearly feel his weak pulse against his fingertips again, and all of a sudden all he wanted to do was kneel over and throw up.

 

“No…” Aleks felt himself stumble forward slightly, not even sure how his body was even moving at this point. “No no no no no…”

 

The nausea grew even worse as Aleks felt himself being pulled back yet again, this time by the hair and he gasped in shock, sucking in a harsh breath before the man behind him scoffed.

 

“Good. One less asshole for me to take in.”

 

The fire grew smaller, and the smoke rose from a distance, and the farther Aleks was dragged away, the more he was absolutely sure that this is what it felt like to lose everything.

  


**_august 2nd, 2014_ **

  
  
  
  


August was hot in the city, despite everyone thinking that the weather usually stayed the same. For the most part it did, but considering Los Santos was next to an ocean, people tended to forget the humidity factor. Aleks got home one evening soaked with sweat, trudging up the stairs past the still broken elevator in his building. His gun was slick against the waistband of his pants, rubbing against his skin and he groaned loudly, yanking it from its spot once he reached the front door of his apartment.

 

“Fuck this place,” he grumbled to himself, reaching into his pocket for his keys until he heard the door open in front of him, James’ amused face appearing in his vision.

 

“Jesus, fall into a river on the way here?” Aleks narrowed his eyes, dropping his arm before shoving past him harshly, listening to James giggle softly in return. “Oh come on, you baby!”

 

James had been here for about 6 months, which Aleks couldn’t even fathom because in all honesty, it had felt like 6 days. Half a year had gone by in the blink of an eye and for once, Aleks wasn’t sure how to feel about it. Usually his years dragged, the days feeling like weeks in themselves and then other times Aleks would blink and he was suddenly a year older.

 

Regardless of however it happened, his life remained as stagnant and unchanging as it could possibly be, and then all that seemed to stop when James arrived.

 

Aleks heard the door shut behind him as he tossed his pistol onto the couch, peeling off his shirt almost angrily as he tried to cling to his skin before throwing it somewhere onto the floor.

 

“Fuck off,” he said haughtily, and he heard James hum amusedly behind him as Aleks all but threw himself down onto the couch.

 

“That bad of a day, huh?” Aleks grunted into the pillow, staying still as he felt the couch dip slightly down by his feet as James sat down beside him. “It’s been rough the last couple of weeks, I don’t know where these people are getting all their drugs from.”

 

Aleks chose to stay silent, his arm hanging limply off the side of the cushion as his fingers brushed against the rug on the floor, the fuzz tickling his skin as he did. It was infuriating; Aleks had been dealing since he was 18 years old, building bonds and getting customers all over the city and now at 21, almost 22, he could barely find anyone to even glance in his direction.

 

“Think there’s a new supplier…” Aleks lifted his head as he finally spoke, turning slightly so that his voice could be heard by James. “Someone bigshot further inward, away from the coast, I heard.”

 

James sighed at that, and Aleks could feel him lean against the back of the couch.

 

“So much for that, then…” Aleks pushed his hand down against the couch gently, pushing himself up so he could sit. His shoes hit slid against the side of James’ leg and he heard the older man huff dramatically at that. “Hey, get your dirty feet off of me!”

 

Aleks finally cracked a smile at that, sitting up all the way before shooting him an amused glance, tapping the toe of his shoe on his knee before James was grabbing ahold of his ankle and yanking it towards him, Aleks yelping in shock.

 

“James!” Aleks writhed in his grip, giggling loudly as James ignored him and pulled his shoes off, tossing them across the room to join Aleks’ discarded shirt.

 

“Really, Aleksandr. You disgust me sometimes!” Aleks twisted his foot slightly in an effort to kick at his ribcage, yelling again as James reached down to his bare torso. “Big mistake, blondie.”

 

Aleks couldn’t remember the last time he laughed as much as he did then, James’ fingers tickling his sides and stomach and causing him to melt entirely at the mercy of his hands. He weakly kicked at James the harder he laughed, barely able to breathe by the time the older man finally ceased his torment and pulled Aleks’ legs so that he was halfway in his lap.

 

“You son of a bitch, that’s not fair!” he cried loudly, still out of breath as James smiled fondly, reaching down to run his fingers through his hair.

 

“Don’t come home from work in a bad mood and I won’t have to do that,” he replied simply, and Aleks sighed dramatically, loud and annoying and James thumped him on the side of his head with his fingers, smirking when Aleks pretended to be hurt.

 

Well...maybe the 6 months had gone by so quickly since he was absolutely, completely, head over heels in love.

 

Aleks settled against the cushions of the couch, relaxing on his back and closing his eyes as James let his legs lay across his lap, feeling his arms come to rest of top of them gently. He crossed his own arms over his chest, enjoying the way he could feel James’ stomach move against his legs as he breathed, his fingers tracing the threading of his jeans delicately.

 

They say in silence for awhile, the sounds of the city and the breathing of the dogs lounging on the floor the only thing Aleks could focus on before he felt himself coming dangerously close to falling asleep.

 

He would have, too, had James not suddenly decided to speak up.

 

“So...I’ve been thinking.”

 

Aleks grunted a bit at that, keeping his eyes shut and yawning, stretching an arm up towards his face to rub at his forehead.

 

“Never a good idea when you do that,” Aleks joked lightly, smirking a bit at James’ hand smacking against his thigh. “Kidding. What about?”

 

James paused for a moment, tapping his fingers lightly against Aleks’ thigh before replying.

 

“A career change,” he replied simply, and Aleks huffed out a loud breath at that.

 

“Yeah, you’re not the only one.” James had been a decently good help to Aleks and the extra money helped, but it still wasn’t enough to live on, especially together. What had probably meant to be a temporary thing had ended up as Aleks’ entire career, as shady as it was. “Did you have something in mind?”

 

James fell silent again, his hand resting still on Aleks’ legs. The pause was so long that Aleks thought he hadn’t heard his question, finally opening his eyes and lifting his head slightly to glance at him.

 

James felt his gaze and turned to face him, looking a bit sheepish as he pursed his lips a bit, inhaling through his nose. “Hear me out, okay?” Aleks raised an eyebrow at that, watching him closely.

 

“Okay…” he drawled slowly, propping himself up a bit on his elbows as he watched James stop again, glancing down at nothing in particular towards the carpet before he turned again.

 

“Have you ever heard of the Fakes?” Aleks blinked slowly at that, feeling his eyebrows furrow slightly.

 

“Like...the crime lords? The huge crew? Ramsey and all that?” James nodded slowly, staring at him as if trying to read his mind, eyes slightly worried.

 

“Yeah, those ones,” he replied, and Aleks squinted at him, trying to figure out James’ motive.

 

“Uh huh,” he said slowly, leaning slightly on one elbow. “And...what about Geoff Ramsey and his collection of criminals?”

 

James stared at him then, watching him with such intensity that Aleks squirmed slightly in his spot, still keeping his mouth shut. James rested his arms across Aleks’ legs, as if subtly trying to keep him there, before he inhaled a breath and spoke again.

 

“What if I told you...I had a way to get us in with them?”

 

Aleks raised his eyebrows almost immediately, staring almost blankly at him in response. James looked tense, lips pressed together and his eyes glued to Aleks’ face, watching him carefully.

 

“...you have a way in with Geoff Ramsey.” Aleks could hear the own disbelief in his voice, stating it as more of a weary statement than anything else. James nodded quickly, arms still wrapped around his legs.

 

“Yeah, I do. Knew him when I was a kid, before all this shit took off.” He spoke carefully, as if measuring his words before they came out of his mouth, trying not to scare him away. “They’re GOOD, Aleks. They don’t get caught, don’t make mistakes, and the money is more than they know what to do with.”

 

Aleks kept frowning, holding his gaze for a moment before he sat up entirely, pressing his palms against the couch. James fidgeted with the edge of his jeans, twisting a loose thread between his thumb and index finger, still watching Aleks with big brown eyes.

 

Aleks lifted his hand to his face, rubbing his palm against his eye wearily before running his fingers through his hair.

 

“Alright…” he said slowly, tilting his face down so that he was watching James’ hands, still curled around his knees. “So...you have a way in. What exactly are you insinuating we do with that?”

 

For a few moments James was silent, and Aleks looked up to see him still staring down at his fingers, picking at the annoying little thread from the stitching.

 

“I think we could do it, Aleks.”

 

The statement was so gentle, so determined and soft despite the context James was speaking in. It was like he was trying to convince Aleks to try new food at a restaurant, not join the most elite ring of crime lords the city of Los Santos had ever seen.

 

Aleks let his words hang in the air, catching his gaze as James finally looked up again, the two of them locking eyes as Aleks stared slightly dumbfounded at him.

 

“Us. And Geoff Ramsey.” James tilted his head slightly at that, furrowing his brow.

 

“It sounds crazy, I know-“ Aleks cut him off quickly, scratching his head a bit agitatedly.

 

“It IS crazy. Have you ever even killed anyone before?” James’ face darkened slightly at that, his hands finally dropping to rest back down against Aleks’ knees.

 

“Yeah,” he said shortly, and the way his tone had soured signaled that this was something Aleks didn’t need to press further into.

 

Instead he just sighed, slumping forward a bit as he reached down and began to fidget with James’ fingers in a feeble attempt to apologize, distract from the way the mood had shifted.

 

“Look,” he began slowly, running a thumb against his knuckles. “I don’t know...we’re just drug dealers. Bottom of the hierarchy of criminals, we don’t even know how to do what they do on a daily basis.” James perked up a bit, seeming to forget the incident at hand for at least a moment.

 

“They can teach us, Aleks. That’s what they’re there for, they bring people in that they like. I really think we have a chance if we just ask.”

 

Aleks pondered this for a moment, trying not to focus on how he’d even gotten into this situation in the first place and instead listened to his words.

 

James had a point; no one (except maybe Geoff Ramsey) had been born knowing how to do this shit. People were trained, learned how to shoot and to fight and to plant bombs and blow things up and drive fast cars and sweet talk their way out of life threatening situations. Aleks had grown up seeing them on the news, their faces plastered on walls in abandoned alleys and police stations in every section of the city. They’d never been caught; they had too much influence now. They were almost fucking untouchable, really.

 

The temptation of being protected and safe was almost impossible to ignore; especially now that he had James at his side.

 

Aleks finally let out a long sigh, feeling his shoulders fall slightly as he did. He could feel James’ eyes on his profile, watching him silently as Aleks kept playing with his fingers, running his thumb against his palm before he finally looked up, holding his gaze for a moment. He’d never been one for change, but...something about this just made sense.

 

“Yeah, why not?” James’ face lit up instantly, raising his eyebrows as he blinked.

 

“Wait...really?” Aleks rolled his eyes at that, shoving his hands away playfully before he smiled a bit.

 

“Yes, dumbass. This old job’s boring me...maybe we could benefit from something new.” James grinned at that, reaching over and taking his face in his hands, kissing him happily as Aleks pretended to protest beneath him, weakly swatting at his arms.

 

“Baby, you won’t regret this,” James spoke into his mouth, pressing another kiss to the side of his cheek and Aleks felt himself blush, humming loudly to try and distract away from his pink face.

 

“I should hope not. You’re gonna be homeless again if this doesn’t work out,” he joked, and James wrinkled his nose fondly at that, moving his hands down to his waist before hoisting Aleks up and bringing him into his lap.

 

“When we’re rolling in money, I’m gonna buy you the biggest, prettiest house this city has to offer,” he murmured softly, his breath tickling Aleks’ collarbone as James rested his head against his neck, his forehead fitting almost perfectly against the curve of it.

 

Aleks couldn’t help but smile at that, cheeks heating up again as he raised his own hands, running his fingers through James’ curls.

 

“I’ll hold you to it, my love.”

  


**_february 13th, 2019_ **

  
  
  
  
  


Aleks had never been in the back of a cop car; he had always been the one in the front, after successfully stealing one from under the noses of the incompetent police force Los Santos had to offer them. He’d done this numerous times, sometimes in a uniformed disguise and other times he’d leapt inside in the heat of the moment, eager for an escape with a gun in his hands.

 

This time was different. He still bled, like he usually did; the side of his face and neck were caked with the substance, drying and sticking to his skin like paint, flaking off a bit more with every jerky movement of the car. His wrists stung as the metal cuffs dig deeper into them, shifting around uncomfortably in his seat, and he didn’t have his gun this time, the familiar feeling of it pressed against his hip nowhere to be found.

 

But most of all, this time was different because he didn’t have James here with him.

 

Aleks stayed silent the whole ride there, his brain seeming to buzz with some sort of energy he didn’t quite recognize. He still hadn’t processed the explosion; something about the large flames and the heat and smoke wasn’t registering in his mind, and the fact that James had been inside the car when it had gone up wasn’t clicking.

 

Instead he stared forward, taking in nothing as they drove through the city, the bright lights of Los Santos doing nothing to break him from his reverie.

 

_You’re going to jail, Aleks. They finally caught up with you._

 

They reached a stoplight, and Aleks glanced up towards the bright, angry red that shone down on him and illuminated his face.

 

_James is dead, Aleks._

 

He closed his eyes then, hoping that the stupid little voice in his head would just fuck off, and it did.

 

Aleks didn’t open them again until he felt the car coming to a stop, blinking as the all too familiar police station came swimming into view. He sucked in a slow breath, letting it fill his lungs as he heard the car being turned off, trying to collect himself for the nightmare he knew was about to ensue.

 

“Don’t even think about trying to sweet talk your way out of this one, asshole.” Aleks eyed the cop wearily, watching as he turned to give him a smug look, crooked smile and all. “You’ll be locked up in some hellhole of a federal prison before you can even open your fucking mouth.”

 

Aleks said nothing, watching in silence as he got out of the car and slammed his door, his voice still audible as he boasted loudly to whoever was outside.

 

“I got that goddamn Russian!” he announced proudly, and Aleks resisted the urge to roll his eyes just as his door was being opened, allowing himself to be yanked out of the vehicle.

 

It had been awhile since Aleks felt this many eyes on him at once; every step he took was being watched, the front of the station filled with various guards and other cops all sneering at him as he was escorted inside. He never met their eyes, still staring straight ahead as he was led inside and through the dimly lit maze of hallways that filled the small building.

 

The part of his brain that would usually be analyzing windows, air vent placements, the amount of weapons around him in order to find various places to escape no longer seemed to be there anymore; Aleks found himself just walking, following complicity as he was shoved around corners and finally stumbled his way into a room, painted a horrible hospital white color and illuminated by a shitty fluorescent lamp above him.

 

There was a table in the middle, with two chairs on either side and Aleks nearly ran into them as he was pushed inside, feet slipping slightly against the tile floor.

 

He turned his head around and watched the metal door shut behind him, the noise almost echoing amongst the tiny room. He let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding, feeling his shoulders fall as he did.

 

Handcuffs still digging into his skin, he turned around to glance at the table again and froze up immediately, eyes making contact with the blond cop from earlier, back in the alley who’d found them in the first place.

 

He looked exhausted, dark circles beneath his eyes and in the dim lighting Aleks could’ve guessed he’d aged 10 years in the last hour. His hair was messy now, sticking up in various directions on the top of his head and as if on cue Aleks watched him raise an arm up, bony fingers carding through the messy tangles before he dropped it again, a slight smirk appearing on his pink lips.

 

“Long time no see,” he finally said, his voice sending goosebumps across Aleks’ skin. He didn’t respond, still standing a few feet away as the older man shifted around in his seat, making himself comfortable as he leaned back slightly, watching Aleks through hooded lids. Aleks couldn’t help but feel slightly pleased at the sight of his face, his eye bruised up and lip busted from James’ surefire fist.

 

“Come on, sit down. Can’t be comfortable standing for so long...we have things to discuss.” Aleks watched as he placed his hand down on the metal table, pale fingers tapping lightly against the top in a sort of sporadic rhythm that made him uncomfortable. He eyed him uneasily, feeling some of his senses begin to come back with the registration of emotions.

 

_Do as he says, Aleks. Don’t be stupid, this isn’t the time to be some sort of hero._

 

He stepped forward slowly, his footsteps loud and heavy as he crossed over to the chair, pulling it out with his foot before sitting. He fidgeted with his hands, trying to get them comfortable behind his back before the cop was standing, humming thoughtfully.

 

“Here, let me fix that…” Aleks frowned, eyes following the man as he crossed around and behind Aleks, feeling him reach down before gently unlocking the cuffs. He slowly pulled his hands back around to his front, glancing down at the inflamed red skin on his wrists before he saw the cop standing beside him out of the corner of his eye, barely registering his presence before he saw him reach beneath the table, producing another pair of cuffs that were larger, shiner, with longer chains that extended to keep him attached to the piece of furniture.

 

“Just a precaution,” he murmured smugly, and Aleks felt his blood boil as the new ones were clamped on his wrists, trapping him there and making him feel vulnerable once more.

 

The man crossed back around and sat in his chair again, surveying Aleks with a look of pride for a moment, smiling to himself as he did.

 

“Aleksandr Marchant,” he purred, tilting his head to the side as Aleks tried his best not to let emotions take over his face, gritting his teeth painfully. “God, we’ve been after you for awhile now.”

 

“And who is we?” Aleks silent cursed himself for that, biting his tongue immediately afterwards and watched the cop sit up a bit at that, looking dramatically embarrassed.

 

“Oh God, where are my manners?” Aleks couldn’t help but narrow his eyes at that, watching him extend his hand to grab Aleks’ own until he pretended to realize that wasn’t possible, smirking subtly to himself before leaning back against the frame of the chair. “Austin Baker, FBI.”

 

Aleks snorted out loud at that, unable to keep his reaction in as he shook his head slowly, laughing dryly to himself.

 

“I’m sorry, the fucking FBI?” Austin seemed slightly offended at that, which made Aleks perk up a bit more. He raised an eyebrow towards the agent, watching him carefully. “What the hell do you want with me? Isn’t there like, terrorists you need to find?”

 

Austin narrowed his eyes at that, sitting forward in his seat as he leaned slightly against the side of the table, crossing his arms.

 

“As far as I’m concerned, you and everyone you’re fucking involved with are threats to the city. Geoff Ramsey has been near the top of my list for years.”

 

The way his tone had darkened perfectly matched the way he’d spoke to James earlier in the evening, and Aleks felt his stomach lurch at the sudden shift. The mention of Geoff’s name made him uneasy, and austin was quite obviously trying his hardest to intimidate him into shutting up.

 

Austin seemed to relax slightly after a moment, returning to his usual demeanor as Aleks fell into a tense silence, watching the older man begin tapping his fingers idly against the table again. His eyes were wandering again, scanning Aleks’ face before moving down to his neck, taking in all of the blood and trailed down to where his hands were sitting limply against the grey metal, finally speaking up after a few moments.

 

“What’s that?” Aleks let his gaze dart up slightly when he saw movement out of the corner of his eye, watching as the man gestured his hand slowly towards him. “On your finger?”

 

He felt his chest tighten up at that, all of the air escaping his lungs before he could catch it. Aleks slowly curled his fingers in on themselves, making slight fists with his hands for a moment before releasing again, the tension making his joints hurt.

 

“It’s a ring,” he spat out shortly, his face heating up in anger as he realized the agent’s motive. He knew damn well what this was on his finger.

 

The agent merely hummed in response and Aleks turned his head back down, staring at a spot on the white table, trying to slow his heart rate back down again. He swallowed shortly, listening as the man leaned back against his chair, metal sliding against concrete as he did.

 

“I mean...it’s in a pretty specific spot, isn’t it?” Aleks gritted his teeth, resisting the urge to clench his hands up again as the man kept talking, his voice as nonchalant as it could be.

 

“Left hand, ring finger...tell me, Aleks. You’re not married, are you?”

 

And even if Aleks wanted to say something, even if he wanted nothing more than to reach across the metal table he was sat at and grab this little prick by the neck and slam his face down over and over again onto the top, he couldn’t.

 

And it wasn’t just because of the handcuffs that kept him stationary, the ones that were cutting into his wrists and acting as the only thing keeping his anger from boiling over and snapping out of reality. The man’s words had stunned him, like a shock of electric volts sent straight through his body without warning, rendering him absolutely silent as he struggled to remember how to breathe again.

 

Austin smiled smugly at his response and Aleks could feel his blood boiling, his heart pounding like drums against his ribcage as he pulled his hand back slightly, letting his fingers made smudge marks against the shiny metal as he did. He reached the edge and began to tap them slowly against the side, and Aleks could feel the way his eyes were boring holes into his face, his cheeks heating up in response.

 

“See, here’s the thing.” Aleks swallowed slowly, inhaling a silent breath as he heard Austin move from his chair, footsteps heavy against the concrete as he went to retrieve something before coming back, flinching slightly when he saw a manila folder come sliding across the table to make contact with his arm, breaking his gaze from wherever he’d had it fixated on.

 

“I did my research. People like you, assholes that think they’re above everyone else in the world...you’re all the same. You’re arrogant, reckless, and you never have a lot of people in your inner circle. You don’t have many friends.” Aleks lifted his head very slightly at that, watching as Austin reached down beside him to produce something, a Manila folder that he laid gently on top of the shiny metal. He slid it forward and placed his hand on top, sliding it back slightly so that it sat in the middle of the table. Aleks watched through long lashes as he opened it carefully, and he felt whatever breath he’d had left in his lungs all escape at once.

 

“This one right here...Lindsey, isn’t it?” Aleks was completely still now, trying to keep his face expressionless as Austin placed a long index finger on the corner of a picture of Lindsey, smiling and happy from some point before she’d gotten caught up with Aleks and everyone else in the crew. “I know it’s not her you’re married to...she’s with the other girl, Anna.”

 

Aleks felt almost dizzy, blood rushing like a river through his ears and making it hard to hear as Austin moved Lindsey’s picture slightly to the left and produced a picture of Anna instead, only this time it was more zoomed out, the two women holding hands as they hastily exited what Aleks recognized as a hotel from months ago, on a heist that seemed decades old now.

 

“I don’t see them a lot, they run a lot of behind the scenes stuff, I’m sure. Both with extensive technical and computer backgrounds...makes sense. Got a bit cocky, didn’t they?” Aleks didn’t respond, merely shifting around in his seat slightly as he felt the metal of the cuffs dug deeper into his wrist.

 

Austin seemed a bit disgruntled at the lack of reaction from Aleks’ part and quickly slid the pictures far to the left, pulling the folder back towards him before pulling out another photograph, turning it around so that it was facing Aleks.

 

“Now Joe here...he doesn’t do much of the dirty work either. He’ll get in when he has to, but he’s more of the getaway driver. A fucking maniac behind the wheel, more like. I don’t think it’s him, either.”

 

Aleks took a moment to stare at the picture, slightly grainy but it was clearly Joe nevertheless, with the bright eyes and long hair that stuck out the sides of his cap and curled slightly. Austin pulled it away as quick as it came, putting it in the other pile before replacing it almost instantly with one of Asher.

 

“This blonde one and his fucking sniper...he seems too quiet for you. Keeps to himself, doesn’t involve himself unless needed. Sort of a lone wolf; not the type to settle down so young.” Aleks dug his teeth into the bottom part of his lip inside his mouth, feeling his stomach begin to somersault within him as Austin slid the next one into view.

 

“I definitely know it’s not this one...I still really don’t understand him. He’s just a fucking kid, why’d you ruin his life like this?” Aleks stared down blankly at Trevor’s face, blurry and turned over his shoulder in the shot. He couldn’t recognize where they were at, but it was fairly recent judging by the longer hair.

 

“He knows how to blow up the shit out of a building, I’ll give him that. Just a shame he didn’t even get the chance to grow up.”

 

Guilt began to seep like melted ice in Aleks’ veins, and he resisted the urge to shiver at Austin’s words as the picture was discarded and he felt his chest constrict as he revealed Brett’s face.

 

“You know, I’ve gotta say…” Aleks didn’t dare let his eyes dart up, fixating his eyes on Brett’s face hidden away with sunglasses and a hat on his head, hurriedly walking towards the outside of the shot. “I was so convinced it was him for awhile there. He’s got the brains, the power, the skill...Jesus, I’m sure he’s snapped a neck or two in his time as well.”

 

Aleks’ hands were clenched now, fingernails digging deeply into his palms and getting dangerously close to drawing blood as Austin hummed slightly, lifting the photograph towards his face for closer examination.

 

“I could see it, really. The two of you? Unstoppable.” The words hung in the air for a moment, suspended in time as Aleks’ heart began its own rampant solo against his ribs, almost to the point of physical pain.

 

He watched as Austin delicately placed Brett’s picture on top of the growing pile to his left before he moved his hand back towards the folder, taking a moment to stare at it before lifting a grainy, black and white photograph of James, holding it directly in front of Aleks’ face.

 

“It wasn’t until today, though...that I figured it out.” His skin was crawling before the words had even finished leaving Austin’s mouth.

 

“He’s the one,” Austin murmured dangerously, and Aleks felt bile rise to his throat, burning his esophagus as it did. “Your other half.”

 

And Aleks couldn’t resist the urge to lift his head up then; the sheer thought of seeing James’ face once more made it impossible to ignore and he felt his heart sink to somewhere at this feet the moment he did.

 

He looked so smug, a gentle smirk on his lips with his dimples gently appearing on his cheeks. His face was close to the camera, one hand holding onto the side of the frame and the other flipping it off, his mess of a beard indicating the time this heist had been done. His hair was slicked back into a bun save for that one stupid curl that never stayed in place, the one that Aleks had made a habit by tucking it behind his ear before every heist they did, a sort of love affection that only the two of them knew about.

 

Aleks felt his cheeks burning hot and he closed his eyes, praying to whatever sort of deity was watching him in the sky that the tears he knew were present in his eyes wouldn’t begin to spill, not here, not in front of this prick and not in a fucking interrogation room.

 

Aleks heard the picture drop onto the table and the rustle of papers as Austin opened the folder again and Aleks felt nauseous, begging to whoever would listen to stop with the pictures, no more, please.

 

“It got pretty obvious pretty fast the two of you were together...he couldn’t keep his fucking hands off of you.” Aleks inhaled a sharp breath at that, bending over slightly on the table as he squeezed his eyes shut tighter. If he thought too long about it, he could still feel the ghosts of James’ hands all over his body, delicate and soft and intimate and the tears threatened to spill from between his lashes.

 

“In the streets, in the hotels, everywhere. This man wouldn’t let you out of his sight, Aleks.” Austin’s voice had gotten softer, a sickeningly sweet tone that made Aleks’ blood begin to boil again and he inadvertently jerked against his cuffs, wanting nothing more than to reach across the table and rip James’ picture out of his grimy little hands.

 

Austin didn’t seem fazed, humming a little pityingly as Aleks finally opened his eyes again, his lashes wet before he tilted his head back up and met his smug gaze, tilting his head to the side slightly before speaking again.

 

“Did I strike a nerve, Mr. Marchant? Oh sorry, wait...should I call you Mr. Wilson?”

 

Aleks felt his knees make contact with the bottom of the table as he jerked up out of his chair, standing up in one swift movement before jerking his torso forward and spitting directly into his face, fighting angrily against his cuffs as he tried to yank them from the metal table.

 

“FUCK YOU!” he bellowed loudly, and Aleks heard the sound of the door being pushed opened as guards rushed the room, surrounding him on either side and grabbing into his upper arms with surprising force.

 

Austin didn’t seem angry; Aleks watched him reach up and wipe away his left eye with a napkin, using his other hand to haphazardly wave them off.

 

“Enough, enough. Aleks here just got a little heated, that’s my fault. He’s fine, let him be.”

 

Aleks continued glaring daggers at him, grinding his teeth together angrily as he felt the nonchalant hands of the officers begin to slowly release him, Austin shooing them away once more before they all began to filter out, leaving Aleks standing there with his hands hovering over the top of the table, hands shaking slightly and causing the metal chains to move.

 

Austin eyed him carefully, resting the side of his face onto one of his palms as he perched an elbow onto the table, never breaking his gaze before he nodded his head slightly towards him. “Go on and sit. We’re almost finished here.”

 

Aleks could still feel adrenaline pumping through his veins, the sheer ferocity of his anger still coursing through him like a drug. He narrowed his eyes slightly at Austin in return, still holding his gaze.

 

“Cut to the fucking chase, I don’t even know what you want from me,” he said icily, and Austin didn’t react, still staring at him with those stupid blue eyes that were so foreign, so unlike James’.

 

“You know what I want,” he said simply in return, and Aleks stared at him for a moment, letting silence fill the room for a few seconds before he slowly sat back down again, his arms going back to rest of the metal edge of the table.

 

Austin sat up straighter, putting his other elbow to rest on top before he scrutinized Aleks’ face for a moment, furrowing his eyebrows together before dropping his hands from where they’d gone to rest on his mouth before speaking again.

 

“Look, I’ll make this so easy for you. Prison sentence? Shortened by DECADES. Hell, maybe you’ll even have time to get out and go fix your fucking life before you die.” Aleks remained silent, his gaze never wavering as Austin pulled his hand off the table, leaning forward suddenly so that his face was near the middle of the table and closer to Aleks’ own.

 

“All you gotta do is tell me where that crazy fucking husband of yours has gone.”

 

It was almost fucking comedic. Hell, in all honesty, it was. Aleks had to resist the urge to cackle out loud at his words, his eyes widening in shock as he blinked slowly at Austin in response.

 

“You can’t be serious,” he finally managed out a few seconds later, watching as Austin seemed unfazed by his words.

 

“You can’t protect him forever, Aleks.” Aleks narrowed his eyes at that, frowning in deep confusion as he rambled on.

 

“He’s never gonna be safe forever, neither of you are immortal. Save yourself the fucking heartbreak of pushing off the inevitable; cut the bullshit and grow up-“

 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Austin blinked at Aleks’ sudden outburst, shutting his mouth as Aleks glared at him, shaking his head.

 

“Whatever joke you’re playing, if you’re getting some sort of sick kick out of this, just stop.” His words were short and harsh and Aleks hoped they were hurting him, hoped that Austin had some sort of capacity to feel guilty at dangling this over his head like some sort of leverage.

 

Now it was Austin’s turn to look confused, his face contorted into a lost grimace. He stared Aleks down for a few seconds, as if he was trying to catch him in a lie and when Aleks didn’t speak he decided to open his mouth again.

 

“What are you saying?” Aleks laughed hollowly at that, shaking his head before he lifted his head to stare at the ceiling.

 

“God, you’re just as stupid as the cops in this city,” he spat icily, staring at a water stain on one of the ceiling tiles before he tilted his head back down, staring Austin’s confused face down cooly.

 

“He’s dead, you idiot.”

 

The air in the room seemed to still at his words, the density of it all making Aleks’ chest hurt and he shifted slightly in his seat, cuffs jingling softly.

 

“If you were any sort of decent at your job, you would’ve  already known that.” Aleks let himself revel only slightly in the way Austin seemed dumbfounded, silence still hanging there for a few seconds before he began to speak again, loud and arrogant and all wrong.

 

“No he’s fucking not, there’s no way.” Aleks closed his eyes wearily at that, letting his head hang over the table as the agent kept speaking, as if trying to pull all of his thoughts together.

 

“Don’t play these fucking games with me, I know bullshit when I hear it. You’re gonna tell me where your stupid fucking husband is or every single one of your friends here gets thrown in prison for the rest of their goddamn lives, do you understand me?!” Aleks gritted his teeth at that, jerking his head up angrily to meet Austin’s face again.

 

“He’s dead, fuckface. I’m not lying, alright?! He didn’t get out of the explosion in time. Go look in what’s left of the car, I’m sure you’ll find part his body and you can hang him in your fucking house like a goddamn trophy,” Aleks spat out in response, his ears ringing from how loud his voice had suddenly gotten.

 

Austin merely frowned at him in response, not looking like he had much else left to say as Aleks turned his head back down, staring at the red blood that was beginning to drip from the cuts on the outsides of his wrists. He let his eyes dart towards the silver band on his ring finger, not as shiny as everything else in this hellhole of a room and he closed his eyes, feeling his shoulders slump down in defeat.

 

James was dead; that had been the first time he’d said it out loud since it’d happened.

 

Whatever sort of relief he thought he might’ve felt by speaking those words was nowhere to be found, the air seeming to somehow get even heavier than it already was. It was pressing on his shoulders, on his head, on every single part of his body that was exposed to the environment around him and he nearly choked on the pressure of it all, letting out a strangled sort of cough to mask the fact that he was on the brink of a panic attack.

 

Silence had filled the room once more, and Aleks couldn’t help but lift his head again, furrowing his brow in surprise as he saw Austin still sitting in his chair, looking a bit lost as he seemed to struggle to piece something together in his head. Aleks could almost see his brain at work, his light eyes staring down at the folder in front of him, as if there was something on it that he could see.

 

Finally, after an uneasy few moments, Austin lifted his head back up and Aleks was shocked at how uneasy he looked, the bruising and blood on his face more prominent in the hazy lighting.

 

“James wasn’t in the car.”

 

It was weird; for a moment, Aleks was almost certain that this had all been a dream, that he was going to wake up suddenly with a loud breath and beating heart and James was going to be fast asleep beside him, curled up beneath the comforter with his warm body pressed against Aleks’ own.

 

There was a beat, one that seemed to last a lifetime that followed Austin’s words. Aleks merely stared at him, unable to do anything else for a few seconds before he opened his mouth slowly, his throat suddenly feeling very dry.

 

“What are you talking about?” Austin seemed uneasy at Aleks’ voice, as if trying to decipher if his lost, confused tone was all a facade. Aleks could hear his heart pounding in his ears, his breathing speeding up despite his brain screaming at him to calm down, relax.

 

_He’s lying, Aleks. He’s trying to get a rise out of you, don’t let him get to you-_

 

“I’m saying that when we got to the car, his body wasn’t there. No signs of it, nothing had been burned up, no evidence he’d even been there at all. He got out of it before it exploded.”

 

Aleks stared blankly, his mouth open slightly as he struggled to process this, his hands trembling slightly against the metal table.

 

Part of him believed Austin was lying; James had been out cold when Aleks had seen him, gushing blood on the wheel and looking every bit of lifeless as could be without actually being dead. He’d still been alive; his pulse had proven that, but Aleks had been yanked out of the car only seconds later and he hadn’t seen James leave.

 

_The smoke was thick, Aleks. He could’ve gotten out. Maybe Austin’s right._

 

Aleks blinked furiously, trying to clear his head enough to think properly before he zoned back in on Austin’s face, swallowing thickly.

 

“James is alive?” He spoke almost inaudibly, his throat still dry even after swallowing and Austin merely frowned at him in response, his pained look enough of an answer for Aleks’ battered psyche.

 

“Oh, my God…” Aleks couldn’t help it then, couldn’t stop the way his eyes were beginning to sting as he painfully lifted his hands up as far as he could before burying his face into them, sighing pitifully in relief as everything seemed to hit him all at once.

 

_He’s alive. Your husband is alive. James is alive._

 

Aleks pressed the bottoms of his palms into his eyes, feeling his skin grow wet as he sniffled, inhaling sharply through his nose. The noise was pitiful but honestly he couldn’t bring himself to care, the sheer relief too much for him to handle.

 

Something seemed to click in Austin’s head then, and Aleks heard him get up abruptly from his chair, the sound of metal scratching across concrete making him cringe slightly.

 

“Get him out of my sight,” he spat nastily to no one in particular, and Aleks looked up, blinking away tears just in time to see him waving his hand absentmindedly towards his face before he felt himself being yanked from his own spot, strong hands gripping tightly onto his biceps as he stumbled backward slightly.

 

Austin had his back faced towards him, his hands resting on either side of his waist and his dirty blonde hair sitting in messy tufts on the top of his head, probably having just run his fingers through it for the thousandth time that day. Aleks scanned his demeanor quickly, feeling himself being yanked back towards the door by the guards, his shoes slick against the smooth concrete and he struggled against them.

 

“Austin!” Aleks’ voice was pleading and full of a sort of panic to it that he didn’t enjoy, one that he hadn’t heard since he’d been screaming James’ name as the cop had all but carried him away from the burning car hours before.

 

Austin didn’t respond, still staring at the wall in front of him and Aleks took another step forward, yanking his arms angrily from the grasps of the guards before he stumbled towards the table, leaning forward as quickly as he could as his voice dropped shakily.

 

“Leave him alone, please.” Austin perked up slightly at that, turning his head to the side as Aleks felt his head being yanked up swiftly, letting out a strangled yell as one of them grabbed a fistful of his hair and straightened him up, barking angrily at him to move. Aleks reluctantly followed orders, still boring holes into the back of Austin’s skull before he turned around finally, as Aleks was halfway out the door.

 

“Keep me, take me!” His voice grew louder the farther he got out, only stopping when a swift knee to the stomach knocked the wind out of him and he slumped forward, nearly falling in the process before he was being yanked to his feet again. “Don’t hurt him, please-”

 

Aleks heard the loud noise of a door being slammed shut, the noise almost deafening in the building as his hair was yanked again, forcing his face up towards the fluorescents hanging from the ceiling.

 

“You’re as good as dead, and so is the rest of your stupid little crew,” the man above him hissed, and Aleks squeezed his eyes shut, feeling cold dread begin flooding through his veins like ice water as he was dragged down the hallway once more.

  


**_december 17th, 2017_ **

  
  
  
  
  
  


Aleks stared at himself in the mirror for a few moments, his dark eyes scanning his light button up shirt, the floral print small and delicate against his frame. His collar was flat, intricate threading work from whoever had designed this particular shirt perfect along the outside edge and perfectly matched those of his sleeves, which were folded up and buttoned against his wrists.

 

He moved his hands carefully, adjusting his belt slightly on his pants as he let it sit against his waist, letting out a slow breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding in this entire time. With his lungs deflating, his frame faltered slightly and he felt tension release itself from his shoulders, a dull ache sitting in its place for a moment before it disappeared entirely, his eyes flickering back towards his face in the mirror once more.

 

Aleks wasn’t nervous; he couldn’t be, he shouldn’t be. There wasn’t anything within him that was scared of marrying James, but there was a tightness in his chest and a dryness to his throat that made him feel differently.

 

He lifted his hand slowly from his side, staring down at the diamond ring that sparkled so daintily on his finger, smiling softly to himself as he tilted his slightly, catching it in different angles of the light. The sun was beginning to set outside, casting an orange glow in the small bedroom he was currently standing in, making him feel almost physically enveloped in the golden shade.

 

There was a gentle knock on the door and Aleks looked up in time to see Lindsey’s head poke around the side, a bright smile appearing on her face as soon as she saw him.

 

“Oh Aleks, you look amazing…” She stepped inside and gently closed the door behind her, walking over as Aleks felt his cheeks flush in embarrassment, shoving his hands awkwardly into his pockets as she began to brush off his shoulders and chest, watching her quietly.

 

“Surprised myself at how I somehow managed to clean myself up,” he replied coolly, and Lindsey’s smile grew as she tilted her head up and tapped his cheeks with her hand.

 

“You did good,” she murmured simply in response, and Aleks took in the way she’d done her makeup; soft and simple, light pinks and delicate eyeshadow and rosy lips that Aleks hadn’t ever seen her in before. Her hair was half up and half down and fell past her shoulders in carefully curled waves, and she wore a lavender colored dress that fell to the floor and covered her feet.

 

“You look beautiful,” he said before he could stop himself, the words tumbling out in a sort of mess but Lindsey didn’t seem to mind. She wrinkled her nose fondly, pulling her hand away from his face to tuck a lick of hair behind her ear, humming gently.

 

“Thank you, surprised myself too. I think we all did, honestly...everyone looks amazing.” Aleks’ stomach fluttered at that, not ignoring the way she slightly emphasized “everyone” and remembering that she’d just come from James’ room on the other side of the house. Without thinking he ran a hand anxiously through his hair, Lindsey immediately huffing indignantly at him in response before knocking his hand back down.

 

“Hey, don’t touch! The hair looked perfect when I came in,” she chastised, but Aleks could hear the playfulness hidden away in her voice. He slowly dropped his hand back down to his side, watching as the door to the bedroom opened once more and Anna’s face was popping in a second later, wearing makeup not unlike Lindsey with her hair up in a neat bun.

 

“Is he ready?” she asked quietly, and Lindsey glanced Aleks over once more for a moment before she smiled contentedly and nodded, turning to face the other woman.

 

“Absolutely. Well, guess I can’t really speak for him, can I?” Aleks’ cheeks grew even hotter as the two women glanced up at him, soft eyes resting upon his face as he fidgeted nervously with his ring in his pocket, inhaling another slow breath through his nose.

 

_This is it. It’s finally happening. You’ve been waiting for this since the day you laid eyes on him. Look how far you’ve come._

 

Aleks ran his thumb along the edge of his ring gently, feeling the cool metal press against his skin before he tilted his head back up and let out his breath, the tight feeling in his chest disappearing as he did.

 

“Yeah, I’m ready,” he murmured with a soft smile.

 

“I’ve been ready for a long time.”

 

They did what they could with the resources they had, but Aleks was absolutely convinced he’d never seen a wedding as beautiful as his own. It was only the 8 of them, but that was all Aleks needed, really. These 8 people were his best friends, his family, his everything; inviting anyone else just seemed pointless.

 

The house they’d been staying in hadn’t been in the best shape when they arrived, but Aleks really couldn’t tell with all of the decorations that had been tastefully placed in its foyer. He didn’t question how it had happened, didn’t question where all of the flowers had come from and didn’t question the way the chandelier hanging from the ceiling had been dimmed, a soft glow bathing everyone in the room in a golden sort of light that made the white flowers sprinkled amongst the floor and hanging from the rafters almost glimmer.

 

They didn’t have music, but Aleks felt like even if they had a goddamn orchestra there he wouldn’t be able to hear over the sound of his heart beating loud and fast in his ears. He let his eyes wander as he waited at the end of the foyer, the loud rain outside barely even audible over his own thoughts. It had started storming earlier that afternoon, and despite the fact that their wedding was inside and James was able to get to the front door around the porch, Aleks felt like the entire thing had (literally) put a dampener on their day.

 

He was pondering this, swaying slightly on his feet as he fidgeted idly with his hands in front of his jacket before he felt the all too familiar presence of Joe to his side, his head swimming into view beside his shoulder as the shorter man floated his way over.

 

“You look like you’re waiting for a funeral to start and not your own wedding,” he commented lightly, and Aleks sighed a bit at that, staring at a spare bit of white confetti that Lindsey had managed to find for the aisle escape the ground, now floating amongst the busy air around them.

 

“I thought it’d be different,” he finally admitted, the words tasting weird but feeling right to be falling off his tongue. Joe has that effect on him; it was nearly impossible not to trust him with his true feelings. “James deserves the best, you know? And don’t get me wrong, I know that’s, like...impossible for us, and what we do, but...I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem the right way to marry the only person you’ve ever been truly sure you’re in love with, I guess.”

 

Time was ticking, and the rain continued to pour and Aleks knew there were only a handful of minutes left before James would be walking through the dingy, faded white front door and down their makeshift aisle, those beautiful dimples on his face and his cheeks pink from the entire ordeal. He glanced down at us hands again, at the way they were folded over his front and he picked lightly at his thumb with his opposite fingernail, shrugging a bit. “I just wanted to give him more, I guess.”

 

Joe has remained silent through the entire confession, taking his own time to glance around the place and take it all in. He hummed softly once Aleks had finished, and Aleks finally took a moment to turn and tilt his head towards him.

 

He looked good, his usual simple outfit of jeans and a t-shirt now replaced with dark colored slacks and a simple white dress shirt, buttoned up the front and rolled up perfectly over his small wrists. His hair hadn’t changed much, dark and curling slightly beneath his ears but Aleks could tell he’d made an attempt to comb it slightly. He almost smiled at the realization before he stopped himself, and Joe was speaking.

 

“When we were kids, James wanted to get married so badly.” Aleks watched Joe smirk at the memory, wrinkling his nose fondly and shaking his head a bit. “God, I couldn’t understand why. Girls still had cooties back then, no way I’d want to spend my life with one, you know?” He turned his gaze to face Aleks now, dark eyes meeting his own with a gentle sort of tone.

 

“And then he told me he wanted to marry a boy. Not me, of course; I’d already taken the best friend position.” Aleks couldn’t help but smile at that, watching as Joe grinned and shrugged. “He’s not my type, anyway.”

 

Joe turned his gaze back towards the front door, where it had been slightly opened to allow Anna to peek through, talking to whoever was outside on the porch as Lindsey floated around putting last minute decorations on things.

 

“He said to me; ‘I don’t know if that’s right. Boys aren’t supposed to like boys, I know that, but I can’t help it.’ I told him that I didn’t care, so everyone else shouldn’t either.” Joe paused for a moment, furrowing his brow a bit. “And he agreed, and we didn’t talk about it after that. Once we got to high school, though, he started dating girls. Wasn’t hard for him, he had a line out the door but I could tell he wasn’t happy. I kept thinking about what he’d said when we were kids, about liking boys, and I wanted to confront him about it but it never seemed like the right time.”

 

Aleks was silent now, watching Joe with a tight feeling in his chest that he realized was from holding his breath.

 

“I finally did,” Joe continued after a second, voice still soft. “I asked what had happened to his plan from before, about marrying another boy and he just looked at me and said, ‘I was stupid back then. No boy is ever gonna like me, that’s why I’ve settled on girls. It’s impossible, Joe.’”

 

Aleks felt like his throat had leapt into his throat, absolutely still beside Joe as the smaller man turned to face him, his face soft and tone suddenly much more gentle as he spoke again.

 

“Aleks, you’ve already given him everything he’s ever wanted,” he said simply, smiling faintly. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and the fact that you wanted to marry him? It’s a dream come true.” Aleks felt almost dizzy amongst his words, swaying a bit as Joe reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder, smile growing.

 

“I don’t think there’s anything else in this world that you could give him that he doesn’t already have. You were the missing piece.” Aleks blinked almost stupidly at that, and Joe laughed softly, lifting his other hand up to brush off the front of his jacket carefully.

 

“Long story short, he loves you so much, and you shouldn’t feel like you’re not doing enough. I’ve never seen him so happy in his life, I promise you that. Now wipe that dumb look off your face and marry my best friend, okay?” A loud crack of thunder outside managed to cut through the cloud that was now Aleks’ thoughts, and he jumped slightly as Joe laughed again at him, shaking his head before backing up, walking towards his spot near the edge of the foyer.

 

There was only a handful of them, so best men and best women hadn’t seemed right. Besides, if Aleks had his way he’d have every single one of them up at the nonexistent altar with him.

 

The officiating was done by Lindsey, who had somehow managed to get one of those online certifications that was probably fake but it didn’t matter anymore. As long as Aleks was alive, he was always going to be married to James. Nothing could change that, not even the lack of a church, or a priest, or a cake or a mountain of gifts or reception hall to dance in.

 

He didn’t care. He just wanted to marry the man he’d fallen in love with in that rainstorm all those years ago.

 

Aleks swore his lungs gave out when he watched Anna open the front door, the creaking soft and strangely fitting to the quiet ceremony, holding his breath before he lost it all at the first glimpse of James.

 

He looked almost ethereal, his dark curls pulled up into a tight, perfectly smoothed bun on the top of his head. He was wearing black dress pants and a dark blue button up shirt, the color contrasting perfectly with his tanned, tattooed arms that were showing beneath slightly rolled up sleeves. His collar was smoothed down with a couple top buttons opened, revealing his throat and the beginnings of his collarbone and Aleks was convinced he’d keeled over and died right there, was in Heaven and this was something he definitely didn’t deserve but would take all the same.

 

James was all eyes for him, gazing at him through those long eyelashes that Aleks had spent so many nights admiring, pressing soft and gentle kisses to. His dimples were out in full force, high cheekbones prominent as he smiled bashfully down the “aisle” towards him, his face flushed a pleasant red color that Aleks wanted to claim, to name it and store away and keep for his own selfish needs. His lips were soft and pink, shining slightly in the faded chandelier lighting and Aleks swallowed softly, finally allowing himself to breathe once more.

 

To his left, he could see Joe beaming.

 

James seemed to reach him in a matter of seconds, and Aleks wasn’t sure if he’d just managed to blank out in the span it took or if he’d just been too excited to take his time. Either way, once Aleks reached up to grab his waiting hands none of that mattered. James’ fingers slipped their way around his hand and Aleks swore it was electric, nearly matching the lightning that was constantly flashing outside.

 

On closer inspection, Aleks could see James’ face was slightly damp from the rain outside and he smiled, resisting the urge to reach up and wipe his cheeks with his sleeve. If James cared he didn’t show it, still grinning at him with his teeth beginning to show, blinking slowly and letting his lashes brush against the tops of his cheekbones.

 

When Lindsey spoke, her voice was soft and gentle, wavering slightly at certain moments but nonetheless holding in her emotions. Aleks wasn’t even sure what he wanted to do; laugh? Cry? There wasn’t a word for what he was feeling deep in his chest, he couldn’t possibly limit this to just one word. It was a mixture of things, a pleasant blur that he was sure he’d never felt before in his life and probably never would again, but that was okay. Aleks was never going to forget this.

 

When asked to repeat the vows, Aleks went first. He was surprised at how cool and collected his voice sounded, although his mind could’ve been tricking him.

 

He somehow managed to get his hands to stop shaking enough to slip his fingers into his pocket and pull out the ring, a simple gold band that slid effortlessly onto his finger and glistened in the dim lighting around them.

 

When James spoke next, Aleks felt the tears finally begun to show up. They stung at the corners of his eyes and he tried his best to inhale a slow, soft breath that came out as shaky and loud instead and James laughed, everyone else in the room joining and Aleks could see that he was crying too, the first tear spilling down his cheek and into his beard as his voice faltered as Aleks spoke.

 

“Sorry, I’m just really excited to marry you,” he said sheepishly and James beamed as Aleks heard a chorus of laughing and giggling from beside him, nodding his head a bit.

 

“Yeah...me too, baby,” James murmured softly, and Aleks felt his cheeks heat up instantly, smiling and falling silent once more.

 

When the vows were finished and the rings were on, Aleks heard Lindsey pause at his side, could feel the way her eyes darted in between the couple as they stood in silence. The room was on edge, awaiting her next words and Aleks couldn’t help but grin, watching as James giggled softly in front of him, his hands tightening their grip slightly on Aleks’ own.

 

“I now pronounce you husband and husband…” Aleks inhaled a deep breath, feeling it fill his lungs as James never let his gaze go, holding him there in beautiful silence, only interrupted by the gentle drizzle of falling rain outside.

 

“You may now kiss...well, each other, I guess.” Aleks barely had time to cackle at her before James’ lips were on his, his hands flying up to his face to hold him there, interrupting the noise entirely. Aleks could barely hear the noise of everyone clapping and cheering behind him, the audible fireworks going off in his mind too loud to hear past.

 

Aleks immediately gave in, sliding his arms around James’ neck and pulling him as close as possible, opening his mouth and deepening the kiss. James tilted his head to better fit, molding his lips against Aleks’ own and smiling into his mouth as the wolf whistling began.

 

“Some crowd, huh?” he managed to mumble against Aleks’ lips, pulling away for a breath and Aleks just grinned in response, pulling his head down slightly to envelope him in a hug, holding him there tightly.

 

“I love you,” Aleks whispered into his skin, his nose pressed lightly against James’ neck, eyes falling shut once more as he breathed in his familiar scenes, fingertips caressing the same soft spot on the back of his neck.

 

He felt James’ contented hum in his throat, listening to him respond just as quietly.

 

“I love you too, my wonderful husband.”

  


**_february 13th, 2019_ **

  
  
  
  


Aleks could barely see on his way to his jail cell, not only because of the constant flow of tears that had decided to start flooding his eyes but from the sheer panic that was taking over his body, feeling like he was going into shock.

 

James was alive. Somehow, in some way, he’d gotten away from the car and avoided being captured and Aleks was thankful for that. The cop escorting him was rough, shaking Aleks out of his dazed reverie every few moments as they walked, coming dangerously close to tripping more than once.

 

When they reached his holding place Aleks managed to zone back in again, stumbling inside as the man roughly took off his handcuffs, stepping back and shutting the barred door.

 

“Don’t even think about pulling any shit, we’ve got eyes on every square inch of you.” Aleks merely rubbed at his bloody wrists in silence, already only half listening as he turned his back towards the officer, taking in his space.

 

It was small and cramped and dirty, not unlike the building nor the city itself. There was a bed and a toilet, with no windows and the only source of light that from the hallway. Aleks took another deep breath, willing his heart rate to slow down as he carefully sat down on the edge of the mattress, hard as a rock and uncomfortable.

 

_James is in trouble, Aleks. Austin’s after him._

 

Aleks closed his eyes, grinding his teeth as he forced himself to think, clearing his brain of the panic as best he could. Austin had known he’d been alive for hours now; who knows how many people he had out there scouring the streets for James? He couldn’t have gotten far after they’d captured Aleks; Los Santos was big, but even he knew it was impossible to hide there forever.

 

His wrists stung painfully and Aleks focused on that, desperately trying to ground himself as the gravity of the situation began to sink in, swallowing down another lump in his throat. He glanced down at his hands, catching the feeble glint of his wedding ring in the dim light before he forced a weak smile, a subtle wave of relief flooding over him at the reminder of James.

 

And Aleks would’ve kept staring, focusing on the shiny silver band had he not heard a sudden loud commotion outside his cell, jerking his head up at the sound of gunshots. He jumped up quickly, hand instinctively going for his pistol but patting his empty thigh instead, frowning as the yelling and noise got louder.

 

There was more gunfire, and what sounded like an army of loud, angry footsteps and Aleks couldn’t help but step back, his fear getting the best of him as he reached out behind him to make contact with the wall, steadying his feet as he moved.

 

The shouting had stopped, and Aleks kept still as he saw shadows moving from down the hallway, squinting a bit before his eyes flew open in shock at the sight of Brett, Asher and Trevor all storming their way into his line of vision, guns in hand and extended as they rounded the corner.

 

Aleks watched their faces relax slightly, dropping their weapons as they hurried across the room and towards his cell, Brett jiggling the door with his hands.

 

“Fuck, do you know where they key is?” Aleks merely stared stupidly in response, still processing the fact that they were here before Brett rolled his eyes and took a step back, pushing the two younger men gently with his hands. “Step back, let me shoot it open.”

 

Aleks managed to understand and jumped back against the wall, flinching as the bullet opened the lock and Brett pulled it open quickly, nodding his head towards the hall behind him. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

 

As they fled the back Aleks grabbed ahold of the bag that held his things they’d taken from him earlier, sipping his gun back into his waistband and shoving the rest of the items in his pockets before tossing it onto the floor, staying as close as he could to Brett while Trevor and Asher followed on either side, protecting him from whatever might be outside the front doors.

 

When they burst through the front and started jogging down the steps Aleks managed to peer over Brett’s shoulder and could see one of their vans parked in the front, Joe’s face swimming into view in the driver’s seat the closer they got. Lindsey and Anna were in the front beside him, the two of them glancing around worriedly as they kept running towards the vehicle.

 

Brett stepped back as they reached the doors, throwing it open before urging Aleks to get inside, and Aleks followed orders and climbed through. The interior was dark, the sun lomg gone from the sky and the dim lights of the police station not doing much to help. He crawled into the backseat, keeping his head low as Trevor and Asher followed Brett into the middle, slamming the door shut. Aleks jerked forward as the van took off in an instant, throwing his hand onto the seat beside him for support and making contact with someone’s thigh instead.

 

Aleks looked up then, the sounds of chaotic sirens and police cars in the distance drowned out by the way his heart was suddenly pounding in his ears, sucking in a harsh breath.

 

“James,” he uttered softly, staring at the older man in disbelief. He was barely visible in the darkness, but Aleks could still make out his gentle smile, the deep dimples and the curve of his nose and his frizzy baby hairs standing away from his head. He couldn’t breathe, his lungs as well as most of his body seeming to shut down as James reached out and took his face in his hands, pulling him closer. His hands were rough, dirty, and his skin was bruised and bloody and Aleks could see the injuries from before, from the car crash that he’d almost convinced himself he’d made up.

 

“Aleks,” he murmured simply in response, speaking his name in such a soft and loving tone that Aleks felt his eyes begin to well up with tears once more, reaching up and grabbing ahold of his wrists for support as James leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his lips, the sensation enough to yank Aleks back to reality once and for all.

 

He barely had time to kiss him back, had only begun to taste his husband once more before they were jolted against the seats again, James grabbing onto his waist protectively to keep him from falling as he pulled away.

 

“Nearly there, Joe?” Aleks heard him agree in response from the front seat, and he finally looked out and out of the window beside him to see where they were.

 

“We’re going back home?” Aleks asked quizzically, and James merely shifted his body so that he was facing the front once more, still keeping Aleks close to his side.

 

“Briefly. We’re grabbing our things and bolting before the cops have the time to show up.” Aleks blinked at that, bumping against James’ side as they turned another corner and began speeding along the side road their safe house was on. He merely hummed in response, blinking quickly as he felt James inhale a deep breath, his chest rising and falling slowly against Aleks’ shoulder as he did.

 

Joe came to a screeching halt in the driveway, tires skidding loudly against the pavement before the doors were all thrown open again and James was barking out orders from the backseat.

 

“Get in and get out! Grab essentials and nothing else, you have a minute!” Aleks watched with wide eyes as everyone disappeared into the house, and he felt James’ strong hands around his waist begin to lift him up and over the middle seat.

 

Aleks clambered out and turned just in time to see James slam the door shut behind him, reaching down for his hand before pulling him towards the house.

 

“Run upstairs and grab our bags from the bedrooms, I’m gonna get all the weapons and money from the basement.” He spoke quickly and calmly and Aleks nodded in response, his heart pounding in his chest. He tightened his grip on James’ hand, still trying to convince himself that he was here and very much alive as James pushed the front door open with his free arm.

 

“I’ll meet you back at the v-” Aleks flinched suddenly, the loud, explosive noise of a gunshot ringing through his ears and startling him into shock. He squeezed his eyes shut instinctively for a moment, still clasping onto James’ hand before he opened his eyes again, blinking slowly as Austin’s all too familiar form came swirling into his vision, his face almost haggard looking as he held a pistol in front of him, arms extended and positioned directly ahead.

 

Aleks didn’t register what had happened first; it took him a few moments, time to glance around the room and see the way everyone else was being held at gunpoint, pistol heads pressed against their temples and uniformed arms wrapped around chests and necks as they held them back. Lindsey and Anna were on one side of him, pinned against a wall; Joe and Trevor were being choked a few feet away from them, writhing in feeble pain in the grips of their captors. Asher was on the floor, gun to his forehead and a boot on top of his chest as he was being pinned to the ground, his hands on either side of his head against the hardwood floor, and Brett was on his knees a couple feet in front of Aleks, staring at him painfully through his lashes as he held his hand behind his head, pistol pressed into the back of his skull.

 

Aleks took all of this in, eyes darting across faces for fleeting moments before he turned his head down towards his hand clasped around James’ own, his stomach lurching sickeningly at the sight of blood, dripping its way down James’ shirt like rainwater.

 

“James?” Aleks took another glance, eyes travelling up to his chest where the fabric was turning a deep crimson color, blooming across it like paint being poured on canvas. The gunshot wound had hit him square in his sternum, right in the middle of his body and Aleks could feel the trembling start back up again in his hands, fingernails digging into James’ skin for some sort of leverage.

 

_Oh no. Oh, God please...no._

 

James’ knees hit the ground as he fell, his hand slipping from Aleks’ sweaty grip and the noise startled him, falling onto his own knees beside him.

 

“James?” he repeated louder, this time for frantic. James was blinking furiously, his eyes wide with shock as he caught himself on the hardwood floor, trying to inhale a shaky breath that seemed to rattle his entire rib cage before he started to cough, splattering the floor with an array of blood that sickened Aleks almost instantly.

“No…” he breathed slowly, his hands trembling as he struggled to move, frozen in time at the sight of his husband bleeding out, struggling to breathe, dying right in front of his eyes.

 

_Not you, James. Anyone but you._

  


**_march 3rd, 2016_ **

  
  
  
  
  


Beautiful; that was the only word Aleks could use to describe it.

 

Inexplicably, wonderfully, amazingly beautiful.

 

Aleks was in awe of the house as soon as they’d pulled up, his eyes wide with shock and almost childlike wonder. His nose was nearly pressed against the glass of the window and he could hear James laugh softly at him from the driver’s seat, a chorus of gasps and chattering echoing amongst the backseat.

 

“James, are you serious?!” Lindsey’s loud voice was the first to break through, Aleks’ eyes still glued to the place as James stopped the van and turned off the car.

 

“100 percent,” he replied coolly, and Aleks heard the sounds of doors being thrown open as everyone clambered their way out. It really was youthful; Aleks watched these grown men and women rush towards the house like children at Christmas, yelling gleefully and pushing the door open to race one another inside, leaving the two of them in the still silence of the van.

 

Aleks swallowed slowly, still in shock as he felt James’ hand come to rest gently against his back, rubbing up and down along his spine gently.

 

‘You good?” he asked playfully, and Aleks could hear the smile in his voice. He didn’t respond, instead taking a moment to take it all in.

 

The house was gorgeous, tall and white with a huge porch in the front of it. The door was made from a dark wood, and had a pane of foggy glass in the middle of it that allowed you to see inside. Above the porch that took up the entire front of it, Aleks could see more windows, two large ones in the front and he allowed his eyes to wander up towards the second floor, taking in even more of them complete with delicate white shutters. The roof came to a point in the middle of the house, black shingles covering the top of it in a carefully placed pattern and completely the dreamy, almost romantic look of the house perfectly.

 

Aleks didn’t think he’d ever seen a more beautiful home in his entire life.

 

He swallowed again, feeling how tight his throat had suddenly gotten during his silence and James seemed to pick up on this, still rubbing his hand soothingly along Aleks’ back.

 

“I told you I’d get you your own house one day,” he murmured simply, his voice soft and barely audible in his ear and Aleks felt the tears that he’d been holding back finally come forward, pressing his lips together as he tried his hardest not to cry, inhaling a steadying breath.

 

“I love it,” he managed to choke out, and he felt James slip his arms around his waist from behind and hold him close, chin resting on top of his shoulder as Aleks finally allowed himself to sniffle, moving his hands down to grasp onto James’ own.

 

They stayed like that for a few moments, Aleks feeling his cheeks grow wet with more tears as James pressed tiny kisses into the hollow of his throat, resting his forehead against his skin for a minute before he lifted it back up, turning his gaze towards the house to match Aleks’ own.

 

“Today is the start of the rest of our lives,” he said softly, and Aleks smiled feebly at that, squeezing James’ hand tightly with his own.

 

“I can’t wait,” he replied, turning his face before pressing a gentle kiss against James’ head.

  


**_february 13th, 2019_ **

  
  
  
  
  


Aleks swallowed down bile that was stinging his throat, feeling his heartbeat beginning to race like nothing else and he whipped his head around quickly, willing himself to stop shaking enough to stand back up, taking a protective step in front of James.

 

“What did you DO?!” Austin was motionless at the exclamation, save for the way his shoulders rose and fell quickly to match his breathing. His gun was lowered again, pale fingers clenched around the handle and his finger still on the trigger, blue eyes staring darkly into Aleks’.

 

“My job,” he said simply, his voice sounding rough like he’d just aged a century in the last few seconds.

 

Behind him, James coughed loudly, and Aleks cringed at how wet it sounded, his shaky inhale afterwards seeming to rattle his entire body. Aleks kept his jaw set, glaring forward at the officer in front of him as he heard the familiar sound of footsteps running towards the house from outside, heavy and light and mismatched as they faltered upon arrival, fading into the depths of the room.

 

Aleks watched Austin’s face blanch, the sheer reality that he’d suddenly found himself surrounded with no backup hitting him like a battering ram. Word had gotten out; Aleks had heard Lindsey speaking frantically into the phone to let Geoff know what was going on, that they were evading the police and fleeing the house. It only made sense that they’d show up; once someone didn’t notify Geoff of getting out safely, he had no other choice but to show up and intervene.

 

“You son of a bitch,” he spat, and he heard the way his voice wavered. He wasn’t sure what it was from; fear, or anger, or misery. A combination, perhaps. Or maybe it was an emotion he hadn’t even discovered yet.

 

Or maybe it was nothing but grief.

 

It was chaos then; the doors behind Aleks burst open and he ducked down on his knees just in time for bullets to start flying, throwing his arms over James’ back to pull him close to his side, bringing his other hand to his face.

 

“It’s okay, baby,” he said frantically, pulling James’ face protectively to his chest. “Just breathe…” He slipped his arms around his shoulders, raising one hand up to his hair to clutch onto his curls. James didn’t respond, instead coughing wetly against his shirt before letting out a shaky breath, the noise of it making Aleks’ skin crawl.

 

He lifted his head then, resting his chin on James’ scalp as he zoned back into what was going on, watching frantically as everyone rushed inside, swarming in past him and James in the doorway.

 

They didn’t stand a chance; the handful of cops that had come with Austin were overridden before any of them cold call for backup, all pinned against the walls and floor while Aleks watched everyone else scramble to their feet. Geoff had Austin by the hair, kicking him behind his knees so that he fell down onto them, grunting out an angry stream of profanity as he came to rest a few feet away from Aleks.

 

Aleks frowned deeply at him, watching the agent writhe aggressively in Geoff’s grip before he heard James cough once more, gasping out a labored breath and catching his attention. He tilted his head back down, taking in the way James’ hand was pressed against his own wound and how the blood was still coming, seeping through his fingers and showing no sign of stopping. He never lifted his head from Aleks’ shirt, his breathing short and painful as he struggled to stay upright and Aleks felt his blood begin to boil, jerking his head up to glare directly into Austin’s eyes.

 

“You son of a bitch,” he growled, and Austin stared back almost threateningly despite his lack of leverage, tilting his head down slightly.

 

“You lost, Aleks.” Aleks narrowed his eyes at that, keeping his mouth shut as Austin smiled despicably at him, jerking forward in Geoff’s grip and raising his voice.

 

“You’re done for! No leader, no fucking direction, no HUSBAND!” Aleks felt his stomach churn again, his chest aching painfully as his breathing became harder, his words as heavy as lead. Geoff swiftly brought down his free hand and pressed a pistol to his temple, digging the tip deeply into the side of his head as a warning but Austin seemed nonplussed, smile fading away.

 

“Bad guys never win, Aleks,” he said darkly and Aleks inhaled a breath, ready to unleash hell before he was watching Austin’s head exploding, a bullet entering the middle of his forehead and going straight through to hit the wall behind him.

 

Aleks jumped instantly, nearly losing his grip on James in shock as Geoff leapt back, his arms coated with a splatter of his blood before he was looking up, everyone’s gazed flying to behind him.

 

He glanced down quickly, alarmed to see James’ bloody hand drop his pistol onto the floor with a loud clatter, letting his head hang for a moment as he struggled to speak.

 

“What a dick,” he breathed out quickly, and Aleks was alarmed at how raspy he sounded.

 

_‘No leader, no sense of direction...no husband.’_

 

Austin’s words echoed in his ears like an alarm, tearing his eyes away from the bloody gun before he turned his body slightly, lifting James’ head with his hand delicately, as if he were made of porcelain and was going to break at any moment.

 

He had lost all color already, his usually rosy cheeks pale and his mouth slightly opened as he attempted to breathe. Short, raspy breaths seemed to be hurting his chest, the effort looking painful but his eyes, those beautiful brown windows into Heaven, they were all for Aleks.

 

He could feel the blood beginning to seep through his pants, thick and wet against his skin. It pooled around James like a puddle, shining faintly in the dim lighting and Aleks’ fingertips made contact with his face, dragging along his skin as he feverishly attempted to keep him awake.

 

“Help me get him up…” Aleks spoke to no one in particular, still all eyes for James but the room immediately woke up,; there was a loud scrambling then, and Aleks quickly reached forward to press his hands onto James’ own, trying not to focus on how badly he was shaking.

 

“Get them out of here.” Geoff’s voice was loud and severe and Aleks heard the people he’d shown up with begin to escort the rest of the police out, exiting through the back door as the older man crossed over to Aleks, kneeling down and clapping his hand gently against James’ neck.

 

“Stay strong, you’re gonna be okay.” James’ eyes were barely opened now, struggling to blink as he nodded feebly at Geoff, inhaling another bone rattling breath before Geoff was standing once more, hurrying out to deal with the mess they’d created.

 

Aleks watched him disappear through the door before he was tilting his head back down towards James, swallowing thickly as he very carefully began to lay him down, flat on the hardwood floor.

 

“Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you help, we’ll get to a hospital, they can fix this…” Brett lifted his shoulders, slipping a hand beneath his armpits and Trevor and Asher grabbed his legs, lifting him in one swift move.

 

James cried out loudly at that, squeezing his eyes shut and Aleks watched as Joe ran forward and pushed the door open, revealing the thunderstorm that had finally begun to unleash hell outside.

 

He stumbled forward, making a beeline for the front steps as he pressed his hands to his husband’s wound, keeping as much pressure as he possibly could to his chest as everyone followed him, loud footsteps echoing through the house.

 

James began shaking his head as soon as they hit the porch, coughing again for a moment before he began to speak again, even raspier than before.

 

“No, stop...put me down here, God please…”

 

Aleks felt everyone begin to slow behind him, the cold rain hitting them all at once and soaking their clothes within seconds. He continued forward and nearly ran into Trevor, blinking in shock as he turned his head back.

 

“What are you talking about?!” he demanded loudly, his already slick hands growing wetter in the storm. “You need a doctor, James!”

 

Aleks’ hair was drenched already, sticking to the sides of his face and dripping into his eyes. He blinked furiously, watching as James’ face began to swim into his vision, his voice looking even worse in the light, white skin glistening with water.

 

He was staring at him again, but this time it was different. This time his gaze didn’t hold its usual warmth, the kind that Aleks had grown to associate with James. His eyes weren’t bright with the wonder that was James Wilson, the sheer beauty and joy that emanated from him at any given moment.

 

They were dark, and cloudy. His usual smile was gone, his lips pursed into a sort of frown, and Aleks watched as a thousand different emotions swam across his face, his restless mind clear as day in his expression.

 

“I’m not going to make it to a doctor.”

 

Thunder crackled then, loud and booming and making its presence known for miles and miles. Aleks suddenly felt so insignificant then, like he was nothing but a drop of blood in the horror scene he’d just found himself in.

 

He shook his head quickly, his chest seeming to cave in on itself and on all of his organs within it, lungs struggling to breathe and his heart throbbing with pain.

 

“No…” he murmured softly, and he felt the way his hands were beginning to shake against James’ frame once more. James kept quiet, his eyes still glued onto Aleks’ own.

 

They stayed that way, even as Aleks watched his body being slowly lowered down, his back falling to rest against the front of their house. His legs were slowly placed onto the concrete, and Aleks had no choice but to let his hands go, watching as James’ bloody body left them to hover in the air, watching in sick silence at what was happening.

 

_Please, no. Not him._

 

Aleks barely registered everyone backing away, James’ face still cloudy in his vision as he felt hot tears beginning to join the water in his eyes. His entire body was soaked now, his skin freezing cold and James’ hands were pink now, a horrible mixture of water and blood staining his skin and clothing.

 

Aleks’ knees seemed to give out then and he managed to stumble forward a few steps before he was falling, catching himself on the floor to James’ left with unsteady palms. The noise was lost to another echo of thunder, and Aleks sniffled softly as lightning began to accompany the grey sky.

 

“James…” His voice broke instantly and he closed his eyes, the tears finally escaping onto his cheeks as the reality of the situation finally began to sink in. He felt gentle hands reach forward to grasp his own, familiar fingers slipping their way around his own to give a gentle squeeze.

 

“It’s okay, baby…” Aleks choked down a sob, scrunching his face up in pure pain at the sound of James’ voice, his dying, choked up, raspy voice.

 

He inhaled another shaky breath, sniffling once more before he opened his eyes slowly, meeting James’ beautiful wonderful face, void of color and the last little glimpses of life barely visible in those big brown eyes.

 

His hands were cold, gripping onto Aleks like his entire life depended on it, and maybe it did, and maybe Aleks just didn’t have the power to save him this time.

 

And maybe this...this was it.

 

Aleks kept quiet, watching as James painfully raised a hand up towards his head, his thumb resting against his cheek and the rest of his fingers slipping their way over his face and behind his neck, so familiar and so sad all at once. He whimpered softly, resisting the urge to close his eyes again and just leaned into the touch instead, winding so desperately his touch was warm again.

 

James smiled softly at him, his head resting against the wall behind him. His hair was wet and curls stuck to his face, delicately decorating his temples and cheeks. His lips still held that wonderful pink color, the same one that Aleks dreamed about for a million years and the one he’d dream about for a million more, even after all of this. Water droplets clung to his eyelashes until they grew too heavy to stay and dripped onto his skin, sliding effortlessly down into his beard and neck.

 

Aleks carefully lifted his own hand, still slick with his husband’s blood and smoothed his hair down gently, starting at his forehead and pushing back, letting his thumb brush against his skin and towards his temple. James seemed to calm at that, his body relaxing further into the house behind him.

 

“I love you, Aleksandr.” The words had barely escaped his lips before Aleks was crying, shaking his head again and closing his eyes, hating himself for every second of it.

 

“Stop, please…” he whimpered, barely recognizing his own voice. “Don’t do that, James…”

 

He felt James’ thumb swipe delicately over his lips, resting on his bottom one before moving to his chin, tapping it lightly.

 

“Look at me, Aleks.” This wasn’t fair. None of it was.

 

Aleks didn’t respond for a few seconds, listening to the rain instead before he finally obeyed, inhaling a deep breath before he did.

 

James simply stared at him, that same gentle smile on his lips as he moved his thumb to stroke his cheek gently, letting his eyes scan his face briefly.

 

“You’re so beautiful.” Aleks sniffled again, his hand slipping slowly down from James’ face and to his neck, his fingers feeling the way his pulse was beginning to fade away.

 

“You gave me the most amazing life I could’ve asked for, do you know that?” Aleks felt more warm tears slip from his eyes and slide down his neck, onto James’ fingers and hand.

 

“You made me the happiest man alive, Aleks. You gave me the life I never thought I was going to get, the one I’d dreamt about for so long, and I can’t ever thank you enough for that.”

 

And then he was coughing again, loud and violent and Aleks suddenly wanted to pull him close, into his arms to guard him from this cruel world, this horrible fucking universe that was taking him away so young.

 

He resisted, instead waiting for James to finish, more tears coming at the sight of his blood stained mouth, hand trembling against his neck as James managed to swallow weakly.

 

“Don’t die with me, Aleks,” he said softly, his hand still resting on his cheek. “Let me go, baby. You have a whole life ahead of you, and I know it should be me and you but it’s just not, life isn’t fair sometimes.”

 

Aleks couldn’t help it then, a loud sob escaping his lips before he could stop it and James immediately reached up with his other hand, gripping Aleks’ face with what little strength he had left.

 

“Please, my love,” he managed out, forcing Aleks to keep his head forward and Aleks cried again, choking slightly on it as it fell from his lips miserably.

 

“Go on, you can do this without me. You’ve got so much ahead of you, but don’t you ever forget for a second that I loved you until my dying breath. I loved you from the moment I met you, and even before that, and I’ll love you until we meet again, I promise you that.”

 

Aleks leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his lips, crying against James’ mouth as he slipped a hand delicately behind his head. James let his hands fall back into his lap, kissing Aleks back and Aleks savored this, savored their last kiss that was tainted with the taste of blood and water and tears.

 

“I love you, James,” he managed to choke out, still holding the back of his head while the other one moved to grab ahold of a hand in his lap, ignoring the way his fingers slipped against the slick blood on his palm. “I love you so much, I’ve never loved anyone as much as you and I never will, never again…”

 

It shouldn’t have been their last. Aleks had planned on kissing James until they were a hundred years old, when James was finally allowed to leave him, because it meant Aleks was going to follow right along behind him.

 

It shouldn’t have been their last kiss, but it was.

 

James’ breathing was shallow and messy, his lips barely moving against Aleks’ own before he spoke again, whispered his last words into Aleks’ mouth like a prayer to the heavens.

 

“I love you too, Aleks. I’ll see you again, I promise.”

 

He breathed once more, and then stopped entirely, and Aleks felt the gentle rhythm of his pulse in his neck cease to exist once and for all.

 

The rain seemed to get a little bit harder then, loud and rampant against the house and the porch and the back of Aleks’ head. James’ hand was limp in his grip, only being held there by the way Aleks was still squeezing onto it, and his eyes darted down to see the way it trembled, feeling his body slowly beginning to go into shock.

 

It was a weird feeling. He’d seen so many people die in his life; people he’d known, people he’d just met, people he’d killed himself, they were all the same. They existed within this world and lived their lives, worked for some sort of purpose. They breathed like Aleks, spoke like Aleks, loved and hated, won and lost.

 

Aleks blinked slowly, clearing his rapidly blurring vision from the rain once more before he slowly lowered his hand, dropping James’ gently onto his lap once more, watching blood seep in between his fingers for a moment before he let his eyes dart up to his face, feeling what little breath he had left in his lungs escape his body.

 

James looked like he was asleep, his eyes closed and his head slightly tilted towards the side, chin resting against the top of his shoulder. His face was calm, serene almost, his pink lips pursed gently into a pout, and Aleks got a violent flashback to him waking up in the mornings to James’ squished face on the pillow beside him, sleeping away the worries and cares that the day always brought him.

 

Only this time, Aleks couldn’t wake him up. He couldn’t lay there and run his fingers through his hair, couldn’t gently coax him out of his reverie and press soft kisses to his eyelids and cheeks.

 

Aleks moved his left hand gently, motioning to move it away from his neck and saw the gentle flash of his wedding ring on his finger, and felt the weight of the entire world come crashing down on him at once.

 

His husband was gone.

 

The thunder was loud and violent now, shaking the entire frame of the house as Aleks leaned forward and pulled James into his arms, wrapping them tightly around his shoulders and head. The crying wouldn’t stop now; loud, angry sobs that seemed to come from some place within him he didn’t know existed. He squeezed him as hard as he could, his limp body pressing against Aleks’ own as he buried his face in his neck, the sobbing getting louder the closer the storm got to them.

 

“Oh baby…” he cried pitifully into his skin, one of his hands flying up to card his fingers through his hair, cherishing the way his curls felt against his skin. “I’m so sorry…”

 

This was pain. Everything Aleks had ever felt up to this point wasn’t even close to this kind of heartbreak, and it fought its way out of his body, ripping through his throat and mouth with a force that almost made him dizzy, barely able to breathe through the burning in his chest.

 

And above him, the rain never stopped.

  


**_may 11th, 2014_ **

  
  
  
  


It was different that night, from the beginning. Aleks couldn’t quite place his finger on it,but the air had changed between them.

 

James was beside him in Aleks’ large bed; it became evident after the first couple of days he stayed with Aleks that he didn’t do well sleeping alone. The dark circles beneath his eyes had alarmed Aleks one morning, the sleepy look in his eyes causing him to frown as soon as he’d walked into the living room that morning.

 

“Jesus, James. Why didn’t you just tell me you weren’t comfortable on the couch instead of not sleeping?” Mishka had already leapt onto James’ makeshift bed on the couch, intent on cheering him up in any way possible and James was admirably complacent, petting her gently on the top of her head as he looked up at Aleks with wide brown eyes.

 

“No no, it’s not...it’s not that. This is better than any bed I’ve slept in, believe me.” Aleks raised an eyebrow at that, pausing questioningly as James continued to busy himself with Mishka, scratching behind her ears as he averted his eyes, staring down at her furry face before almost hesitantly speaking up.

 

“It’s the, ah...sleeping alone part, actually.”

 

_Oh._

 

One too many nightmares was more than enough of an excuse for Aleks to let James into his bed.

 

And maybe...well, maybe Aleks wanted someone to sleep with, too.

 

And they weren’t _sleeping_ together. That was a line that was drawn in the sand and Aleks knew this, and he never tried to cross it. James was too good to lose, too sweet to hurt and too important to Aleks to risk fucking all of this up.

 

And that had been after 3 days.

 

James had been there for almost a month; really, it hadn’t felt like any time at all. James fit almost perfectly into Aleks’ life and that scared him. He knew Mishka like the back of his hand after a week, knew which cries meant she needed to go outside and which ones meant she was hungry. He took over dish duty and Aleks had never questioned it because there was something about James standing there at his sink, hands all soapy and curls falling from the top of his bun that looked so surreal that Aleks didn’t dare try and alter it.

 

Aleks hadn’t shared a bed with anyone in years, at least long term wise. One night stands and rare boyfriends and girlfriends had peppered their way into his life as he’d grown, but none of them had lasted. Aleks kept them around for some sort of guilty pleasure, he supposes. But there was always that morning after that he’d wake up and look at them and realize...this wasn’t going to work.

 

It stopped surprising him after a while; turned more expectant than anything.

 

But now James was here, and he took up most of the bed because he liked to move in his sleep and Aleks couldn’t fucking care less because the more restless he was, the closer he’d end up curling next to Aleks in the middle of the night. One morning he’d woken up to James’ face buried in the middle of his shoulder blades, breathing softly against his bare skin with his arms folded up underneath his body like a child and Aleks laid there and relished in that feeling for an entire after until he finally woke up, never moving once to stir him from his sleep.

 

This game was dangerous, and Aleks knew that.

 

He just couldn’t find it in him to care.

 

That evening, James was talking about something, his motions animated as he explained whatever it was to Aleks beside him in bed, his face sleepy but his eyes vibrant and awake, reaching up and pushing back some of his loose hair that had fallen from his bun in the midst of him speaking.

 

Aleks let his eyes wander down his face, from the lock of hair he’d tucked back into his bun down to his face, taking in his large brown eyes and soft skin, trailing across his beard and finally down to his mouth, his lips pink and moving as he kept talking, entirely oblivious to Aleks’ staring.

 

It clicked then; frankly, Aleks didn’t know how it hadn’t clicked before.

 

Or maybe it had, and he’d just been ignoring it like he did everything else.

 

_Not anymore._

 

It was then that Aleks realized James wasn’t speaking anymore, that words had stopped flowing through those lips that he’d been fixated on for what felt like hours now. He felt his face flush almost instantly, Aleks’ eyes flickering up to meet James’ perplexed eyes.

 

“I’m sorry,” he managed out, the heat in his cheeks moving its way down to the back of his neck as he blinked furiously. “I was...yeah, go ahead, I was listening.”

 

“No, you weren’t.” James sounded amused, a slight giggle escaping his mouth towards the end of his statement. Aleks fell silent, trying his hardest not to react to the way James was smirking at him, tilting his head to the side. “It’s okay, I can forgive that. But didn’t your mother teach you not to stare?”

 

Aleks couldn’t help but crack a smile at that, his face still burning but he managed to ignore it for a moment, scrunching his nose up a bit before shrugging.

 

“Yeah, probably so. But I wasn’t much of a listener, if that’s not obvious.” James smiled again, showing off his teeth and dimples and Aleks felt his heart rate speed back up before he could stop it. “I’m not really an overall...decent person, I suppose.”

 

He didn’t expect James’ face to fall like it did then, his smile disappearing and replacing itself with a frown before Aleks could even blink, brow furrowing slightly as he kept staring Aleks down, from across the bed.

 

“Don’t say that,” he said quietly, and Aleks was suddenly very aware of how intensely he was looking at him now, large brown eyes locked onto his own as he spoke as serious as Aleks had probably ever heard him. “You’re the most decent person I’ve ever met.”

 

Something changed then. It was like someone had sucked all the air out of the bedroom at once, making it hard for Aleks to breathe and his chest tightened in response. The familiar noises of Los Santos outside seemed absent, his ears filled with a rapid fire heartbeat instead. The roar of blood in them drowned out everything else as Aleks swallowed thickly, never taking his eyes off of James’ for a second.

 

“Yeah?” he replied ever so softly, his own voice unrecognizable, running his tongue against his lower lip. “Don’t think anyone’s ever said that to me,” he joked hollowly, watching as James inhaled a slow breath then, shoulders rising slightly as he did.

 

“They should,” he replied, and Aleks felt like he was going to pass out as he saw James began to turn his body towards Aleks, sitting up on his knees and twisting himself to face him, still never breaking their gaze. “But...I don’t think anyone else has ever seen this side of you.” He stopped moving then, and Aleks held his breath as James’ face loomed closer to his own, watching his Adam’s Apple bob as he swallowed.

 

“I think I’m special.”

 

James’ whisper sent a shiver down Aleks’ spine that he couldn’t have hidden even if he’d tried, his hands automatically clenching around the comforter that was resting over his legs and lap. James didn’t respond, still holding his gaze and Aleks felt absolutely fucking exposed, like James was able to see anything and everything he wanted about him.

 

Slowly, almost infinitesimally, Aleks managed to push his hands down on the mattress to move, turning himself towards the older man so that James could continue to read him like a damn book, the flush in his cheeks returning. James remained silent, letting Aleks situate himself before the two men were sitting directly across from one another, James with his hands pressed against the mattress on either sides of his knees and Aleks clasping his in his lap.

 

Aleks merely held his eyes for a moment, the air in the room thick with a tension that hadn’t been there before.

 

Or, maybe it had been there all along.

 

Aleks inhaled a slow breath then, letting his lips open slightly as he did and he watched James’ eyes flicker down to his mouth before they were back up to his eyes again, silent still as Aleks spoke.

 

“I think you’re right.”

 

And suddenly the air was electric, buzzing with an energy that Aleks couldn’t comprehend. It was unlike anything he’d ever felt, but similar to the way the world felt before a giant storm. There was promise there, an assurance that something big was about to happen, something powerful and potentially disastrous and terrifying but also the potential to be something amazing and life changing at the same time.

 

But whatever happened, it was going to be goddamn beautiful.

 

And Aleks had never been able to say no to beautiful things.

 

James was reaching up with his hand, his movements slow and Aleks barely realized what was happening before James’ fingers made contact with his forehead, pushing up a stray piece of blonde hair that had fallen against his skin and Aleks’ own hand was flying up grab his wrist before he could stop it, squeezing his fingers gently.

 

James looked surprised, blinking a few times with raised eyebrows and Aleks could feel his heart in his throat, threatening to leap out at any moment right into James’ lap, into James’ hands for him to mold, to squeeze and hold and protect and destroy.

 

Aleks had never been one for leaps of faith. There was always too much at stake, too many excuses he found himself making in order to avoid taking a risk, but ever since James had shown up in his life that was all he’d been doing. Everything about James was risky and unknown and Aleks had let himself get attached anyway, let himself study the way he spoke and walked and smiled and laughed and breathed and slept and everything was James and it didn’t feel wrong at all.

 

Still holding his wrist, Aleks held his stare, trying his hardest not to swallow as he felt himself burning beneath James’ gaze, lungs hurting as he slowly inhaled a deep breath, letting it fill every crevice of his body.

 

_He’s special, Aleks. Take the leap. Have faith in him._

 

In an instant Aleks was dropping his wrist and leaning forward, body colliding with James’ own as his hands flew up to his face and he kissed him, eyes falling shut and lips moving against James’ own before his brain could talk him out of it.

 

And Aleks couldn’t even describe the feeling. If you’d asked him then, if you asked him today, if you asked him 50 years from now; there weren’t words. It was like everything and nothing all at once, so overwhelming that it scared him but at the same time he’d never felt so comfortable in his life.

 

It just...made sense.

 

Aleks’ mind was spinning a mile a minute and he felt himself stiffen in place, his hands still gripping onto either side of James’ face, palms pressed against his beard. He quickly pulled his lips away, feeling as they dragged slightly against soft pink skin and he pulled his head back, still close but giving himself a few inches to study his face.

 

“James, I–“ Aleks gasped in surprise, cutting himself short as he felt James’ hand suddenly grab onto his waist, yanking him swiftly into his lap with one movement. Aleks could barely keep up, managing to just grab onto his shoulders for help before James was kissing him now, large hands resting on his thighs, keeping a firm grip on him as he kept him close.

 

Aleks was in shock but not enough to deter him from what was happening, quickly sliding his arms around James’ neck in order to better arch his body and tilt his head back. James grunted slightly at that, hands slipping down to below his thighs once more before he was pulling him even closer, eager to close up any and all space between the two of them.

 

Aleks was dizzy when James finally managed to pull away, their lips making a sinful popping noise as Aleks reluctantly let him go, eyes flying open immediately as he inhaled a sharp breath, trying to remember how to breathe again.

 

James was doing the same, his mouth slightly open and shoulders moving up and down as he did, holding Aleks’ gaze with wide eyes. Aleks wasn’t sure if the silence between them was nerves or the fact that neither of them had caught their breath yet, and then finally James spoke up and broke it.

 

“Why weren’t we doing this before?” Aleks couldn’t help the breathy laugh that escaped his lips then, fingers tightening around the collar of James’ shirt as the older man grinned at him, dimples and all, and the flush in Aleks’ face felt like it was never going to go away now.

 

“I don’t care, all I know is that I wanna keep doing it,” he responded quickly, and the glint in James’ eye was all the answer he needed.

  


**_february 19th, 2019_ **

  
  
  
  


The funeral was held later that week; it was a Tuesday, Aleks thinks. He wasn’t sure anymore. Each day since his death seemed to pass painfully slowly, and each morning when Aleks woke without James’ warm body at his side caused him to bury his face in the pillow and stay that way for hours.

 

Time didn’t really seem to matter anymore.

 

He managed to get himself together in time, took a shower for he doesn’t know how long and let the warm water run over his skin until his fingers were pruning and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could stand there with his forehead pressed against the cold tile.

 

He didn’t wear black; not entirely, at least. Black pants and a simple red button down shirt that he’d forgotten he even had and his fingers trembled as he tried to finish up the buttons, staring at his hands in the mirror in the bathroom.

 

Lindsey had been passing by when he’d been finishing up, pausing in the doorway for a moment and Aleks saw her in the corner of his eye, swallowing thickly and hoping to God his eyes weren’t as red as they felt.

 

He didn’t even realize he was crying until Lindsey’s hands were on his face, thumbs swiping gently along the spaces beneath his eyes, giving him a soft, slightly miserable smile.

 

“I know, Aleks…” she murmured softly, and Aleks sniffled a bit, sighing through his nose as she moved her hands down to the front of his shirt, finishing the two top buttons as he dropped his hands. “It’s gonna be hard. And I know that you hate crying in front of people, but...it’s okay, you know.”

 

Aleks let his eyes flicker up towards her face, watching as she finished with his shirt before tilting her own head back up, pursing her lips slightly. “No one’s gonna blame you.”

 

Aleks was sick of crying, in all honesty. All he did was cry; cried himself to sleep, woke up with headaches from crying, saw the ring on his finger and cried some more. He knew that grief came in various stages and it hadn’t even been a week since James had died but he felt like it’d been years already, and he’d aged right along with it.

 

He didn’t respond, instead letting his eyes fall down towards Lindsey’s neck, staring at the necklace Anna had given her so long ago that she’d worn ever since and nodded a bit, swallowing quickly.

 

“Yeah, I know…” he murmured, feeling as Lindsey dropped one hand and moved the other upward to cup his face, running her thumb against his cheek delicately.

 

“I miss him too,” she said simply, and Aleks’ eyes darted back up to meet her sad ones instantly, holding her gaze for a few seconds before the older woman dropped her hand and turned away, walking out just as quietly as she had entered.

 

They buried James in a cemetery in the northern part of the city, right next to his mom. Every single person from all of the other crews showed up and Aleks wasn’t quite sure it it was helpful or not. It was a sea of familiar faces bathed in misery; Aleks felt their gentle touches on his shoulders and arms and he heard himself acknowledging their murmured apologies, but he didn’t really register them.

 

Geoff was the one to speak; he usually ran all of the funerals of fallen members across the city, part of his job, Aleks guesses. It made sense; he did a really wonderful job.

 

Everyone within their small crew spoke; Aleks forced himself to listen to everyone’s little speeches about James, starting with Lindsey and all the way down to Joe. His hurt the most; he’s not sure anyone gathered outside wasn’t crying after he finished.

 

Aleks went last; he was nauseatingly nervous and felt his stomach churning as he slowly made his way towards the shiny marble gravestone that now stood in the ground, bright sunlight reflecting off of the front.

 

The area was silent, save for the faint noises of cars and sirens that was always present in Los Santos, no matter where you were. Aleks’ hands were shoved awkwardly in his pockets, index finger tapping nervously against his thigh as he lifted his head and looked around at their faces, feeling his heart rate quicken slightly.

 

It was sunny today; not a goddamn cloud in the sky, no sign of rain to be seen.

 

It was almost ironic, really; when he’d first met James, the heavens were pouring. When they’d gotten married, same thing. When he died, soaked to the bone.

 

And when he was finally laid to rest? None of it.

 

Aleks inhaled a slow breath, a feeble attempt to calm himself down but it didn’t do much. He knew he didn’t need to speak; honestly, no one probably expected him to. They understood what this had done to Aleks, or at least they thought they had. Everywhere he looked he got pitiful smiles and miserable looks in return, all of their hearts aching for this poor man, this poor widow who’d lost his other half.

 

It made Aleks want to throw up.

 

And he nearly did; he came substantially close to turning on his heel and walking away entirely, to literally anywhere else but here at this funeral because the air was suddenly stifling and he felt like God had sucked out all of the oxygen on the planet. He swallowed again, feeling the tingling sensation that always came with his anxiety attacks begin before he let his eyes float over to the headstone at his side, reading James’ name etched into the smooth, grey marble.

 

_God, I miss you. I wish you were here again._

 

Aleks stayed like that for a second, furrowing his brow a bit before blinking slowly and opening his mouth, inhaling another slow breath before he spoke.

 

“I’m not...gonna sit here and talk about how great of a person James was. You already know that.” Silence answered him, the air substantially tense as Aleks paused for a moment, still staring at the marker. “He loved everyone so much and put them all in front of himself, still as selfless as the day I met him.”

 

His heart was still racing within his chest but his fingers were no longer numb, slowly pulling his hand out to reach them out and brush against the cold marble. Aleks stopped again, frowning softly before he turned his head quickly towards the crowd of people.

 

“I’m just...I’m gonna talk to him for a moment, if that’s okay.” He slid an index finger along the carved “W” in his last name. “It’s okay, I don’t mind if you listen; I want you to. I guess it’s just easier for me to speak through him.”

 

No one said a word but Aleks could see the soft smiles that appeared on everyone’s faces, the heaviness of misery seeming to lighten slightly as Aleks turned his head again, staring down at the headstone.

 

“Hey, baby…” he began slowly, letting out a gentle sigh through his lips afterwards. “It’s uh...it’s almost been a week, and...I miss you.” His voice threatened to crack and he closed his eyes quickly, feeling the all too familiar onslaught of tears fill them.

 

“I do. I miss your sleepy smile in the mornings, and the way you’d always roll over and hold me until we both needed to get up. I miss your loud laugh and dimples and that stupid curl that never stayed behind your ear, the one I always had to tuck in before a heist.”

 

There were sniffles behind him and Aleks tried to ignore them, sniffling himself before continuing.

 

“There’s a lot of things I miss, but...I’d be here all day if I wanted to name them all, and I don’t think everyone here would like that.” He paused, lifting his head slightly. “I’m not the only one that misses you. You should see the crowd here; or maybe not. Your ego really doesn’t need that.”

 

The sound of quiet laughter calmed Aleks slightly, the shaking in his hands stopping as he relaxed a bit, moving his thumb to run against the rough edge of the marble.

 

“When we got married...in the vows, we both said ‘‘Til death do us part.’” He swallowed again, feeling his throat starting to close up slightly. “And despite what we do for a living, I didn’t...realize then that it’d be so soon.” There was a breeze then, one that ruffled Aleks’ blonde hair gently and tickled the back of his neck and for a moment, he could feel James’ lips there.

 

“You told me when you were dying that you weren’t done loving me,” he said carefully, gripping a bit tighter onto the headstone. “You said you were going to love me even after you were gone and I just wanted to tell you today that I’m going to do the same thing.”

 

“I’ll move on with my life; you asked me to do that, and I promise I will. But what our love was...it wasn’t something that’s gonna stop. Once it started, it never stood a chance of slowing down, and even though you’re gone it’s still as strong as ever.”

 

The silence had fallen over the crowd once more, and Aleks moved his other hand to rest against James’ name, fingernails digging into the crevices of the letters.

 

“James...what you and I had was irreplaceable. And I’m not telling you this so you’ll be upset; I’m going to be okay. You already gave me everything I wanted out of this life, you gave me enough happiness to last a lifetime. I just...never got to thank you for it.”

 

He blinked a couple times, a few tears streaming down his cheeks so he could better clear his vision before he smiled faintly, shaking his head.

 

“You’re the only one for me, baby. And I miss you so much it hurts me every single day and that’s never gonna go away, but...I’ll be okay. The sun will rise tomorrow and the world will keep going on without you, and as unfair as that is, we just have to live with it. You’d want me to, I know that.”

 

Aleks watched as his fingertips danced their way along his name, taking in the neat font and the small dates beneath it, the paragraph of words that said “loving husband, loving friend, and a force to be reckoned with.”

 

Aleks lifted a hand and wiped his eyes with the backs of his sleeves, sniffling a bit and letting his other fingers linger for a few more moments.

 

“I’ll see you again,” he said softly, and then he pulled away entirely.

 

The rest of the afternoon seemed blurry; it went by quickly and Aleks remembered the colors of the flowers being placed at his headstone, bright and vibrant amongst the grey stone and faded green grass. People walked up to him almost reluctantly, as if they weren’t sure if it was okay and Aleks let them all do as they pleased; shake his hand, pull him into a hug, kiss his cheek. The faces never quite swam into view, anyway, so he didn’t really care.

 

He kept to his spot a little ways away from James’ grave, knowing that he should probably leave it for people to visit but that almost felt like abandoning him. He managed to step away a few feet as time passed, and people filtered through in random lines to drop flowers and touch the shiny marble with shaking fingers.

 

It was all very sad, and yet Aleks felt more numb than anything else.

 

The sun was beginning to set, a deep red glow weeping across the now orange sky when Geoff approached Aleks, his hands shoved in the pockets of his slacks as he slowly meandered to his side.

 

“I’m glad it didn’t rain,” he commented lightly, tilting his head up towards the sky and squinting slightly.

 

 _It’s ironic,_ Aleks thought to himself. _On the day the world should be crying, it’s not._

 

Aleks scratched his head awkwardly at that, letting his fingernails drag along his scalp above his neck. “Yeah,” he agreed shortly, deciding on if he should continue before he did anyway. “It rained the day we met, rained the day we got married, and it rained the day he died.”

 

He took his own turn in glancing up, a few stray clouds having flown in during the afternoon. “Guess the sky was tired of it all.”

 

Geoff didn’t respond to that, instead letting a silence fall between them. It wasn’t awkward, but it still made Aleks feel a bit uncomfortable; what for, he wasn’t sure. He didn’t know what he was feeling most days anymore.

 

People had started leaving a while ago and now there were only a handful left, most of them lingering around their cars and speaking to each other in the parking lot, voices soft and gestures small. Aleks watched Lindsey and Anna from afar, taking in the way Anna held Lindsey in her arms and stroked her hair, the two of them leaning against the hood before Geoff was speaking again.

 

“What now?” _What now, indeed._

 

Aleks didn’t respond, didn’t even acknowledge that he’d spoken, which was probably rude but he didn’t know how to answer that. Geoff continued anyway.

 

“You have an out here, you know.” Aleks listened as he paused for a moment, like he was letting the words sink in. “This career, this life? You don’t have to keep doing it anymore. You can quit, find something else to do, move on. All of you can. Without a leader it’s just…” His voice faded, and Aleks wondered if he had refrained from saying James’ name on purpose.

 

“There’s no point, I guess.”

 

Now there was something Aleks had heard, something the voice in the back of his head had been repeating since the moment James had died in his arms back at the house.

 

_There’s no point. He’s dead. What’s the use in living anymore?_

 

Aleks let his eyes wander slowly, away from Lindsey and Anna and a few cars down to where Joe was, sitting alone in the driver’s seat with his hands clutching the steering wheel and staring straight ahead, as if focused on something. The car was off, and even from there Aleks could see the emptiness in his eyes.

 

Geoff hadn’t spoke again, and Aleks didn’t really think he had much else to say, anyway. He was right; without a leader, what could you do with a group full of followers?

 

Swallowing down a sigh, Aleks turned on his heel so that his back was halfway facing Geoff, looking down at the headstone for the millionth time that day. It never changed, still looked as clean as it did when Aleks had first seen it, sunlight reflecting off of its shine in an almost patronizing way.

 

_You can do this without me._

 

James’ words were still fresh in his memory, etched deeply into some part of his brain that he was sure was full of things he’d never forget. It sure didn’t seem like he could, not with the way his chest felt like it was caving in on himself and how much he’d been crying for the last few days.

 

His ring felt heavier on his finger now, and Aleks kept nervously twisting it with his thumb as he squinted down at the writing, reading James’ name over and over again in his head like a mantra.

 

_He wasn’t supposed to die. Yeah, Aleks’ nickname was Immortal but James was the one made of stars; bright and powerful and too entirely short lived. These things were supposed to last forever._

 

Aleks started to shake his head slowly, watching Geoff out of the corner of his eye as he straightened up a bit at the movement. He glanced down at his wedding ring, watching as it reflected against the light for a moment before he lifted his head and turned to face the other crew leader head on.

 

“I’m taking over,” he stated simply, letting the words hang there for a moment. Geoff merely blinked at that, looking a bit surprised but nonetheless kept quiet, letting Aleks continue.

 

“James told me not to die with him, and I’m not. Believe me, I wanted to, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t contemplate it, but we need each other.” Geoff’s face seemed to soften at that, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jacket as Aleks began to fidget with his own, inhaling slowly.

 

“We don’t...there’s not much else left for us out there. I’ll give everyone the chance to leave, I’m not forcing anyone into anything but I know they need something, some sort of stability. I’m not gonna give up on them, I know James wouldn’t and...I think he’d want me to do this. To be there for them.” Aleks frowned slightly, tilting his head down a bit to stare at a patch of faded grass in between them, still messing with his ring. “I knew him better than anyone, I knew how he ran things, I observed from his side for years…” He let a slow breath out from his nose, feeling his shoulders fall forward as he did.

 

“I don’t know. I just don’t want him to have died for nothing. For all of this to end with him, it just...it’s not right. This was his little family he created, he took care of us for so long, and now...now I think it’s my turn to.”

 

It felt good finally saying everything out loud. His thoughts hadn’t really made much sense to him until he’d started talking, and Geoff was one person that Aleks knew would listen to him. This wasn’t something he could’ve discussed with anyone in the group, and frankly he hadn’t been up for much talking the last week, anyway.

 

James’ slick, bloody hands against his own were something Aleks was never going to forget, nor were the words he spoke and the way he’d slowly let out his last breath. This all couldn’t have just been for nothing. Austin’s merciless pursuit and eventual disgusting success were not going to be the memories Aleks left the group behind with.

 

They didn’t deserve that. Aleks knew they deserved more than him, but it was all he had to offer right now.

 

Silence had fallen again, and this time it was thicker than before. Aleks shuffled a bit in his spot, reluctantly letting his eyes wander up towards Geoff again before he met his softly smiling face, head tilted gently towards the side as he gazed at him.

 

“I think you’re absolutely right,” he said simply, and Aleks blinked at that, raising his eyebrows.

 

“You do?” he blurted out before he could stop himself, and Geoff’s grin grew as he nodded slowly, humming in response.

 

“Yeah, I really do. You’re the only man for the job; and I think you’re right about James wanting you to. He’s definitely smiling down right now.” Aleks swallowed thickly at that, feeling an achy but warm sort of feeling fill his chest at Geoff’s words. He didn’t really know what to say to that so he simply nodded instead, finally letting his hands rest and putting his arms to his side again, turning to face James’ headstone once more.

 

“I won’t let you down, baby,” he murmured quietly, shoving his hands into his pockets.

 

Above him, a single drop of rain fell to rest on his cheek.

**Author's Note:**

> yes, i cried like a BABY writing this. if you did as well, i'm so sorry LOL. 
> 
> as always, my tumblr us uberhaxorslut and don't be afraid to talk to me on there! i don't post a lot, but i'm usually on there just fucking around. 
> 
> comments/kudos are very much appreciated, no matter if you loved or hated it. i'll take any responses i can get. 
> 
> HOPEFULLY i will see you all again soon; i can't wait to see where else these two boys take me.


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